Before You Were Born: Our Wish for a Baby is a book series by registered nurse Janice Grimes, who works in an IVF (in vitro fertilization) clinic and is an IVF mom herself. The series is intended to help parents explain genetic origins to children conceived by assisted reproduction. Each of the sixteen volumes explains a different approach—donor egg, donor sperm, surrogacy, etc.—in the context of various parental relationships: opposite-sex couple, same-sex couple, single mom, and single dad. This review will focus on the volume “A Baby Conceived for Female Partners.”
The sixteen-page story takes us through a scenario in the life of a little bear and his/her mother. The little bear says, “Please tell me the story about your wish for a baby,” and the mother does. The whimsical illustrations depict the two bears getting dressed and going through their day as the story is told. This particular bear child, we discover, was conceived through artificial insemination with donor sperm. I found the explanation accurate but not overly detailed, and thus age appropriate for three- to five-year-olds. What shines through more than the medical details, however, is the desire and love with which the family was created.
Is the book perfect? By its author’s own admission, no. Grimes wrote to me of one concern some readers had:
When the artist was painting the pictures, we always for some reason, referred to the parent as the mommy bear. We wanted to keep all the bears as gender neutral as we could. Unfortunately, some people don’t see it that way. The biggest complaint I have is “the bear looks like a man.” Until I received that first complaint, it didn’t dawn on me that anyone would see it that way (since in my mind it was always a mother!) I have even been accused of making the bear a “dyke.” I felt really bad about that. It was my intention to provide a book that would fit all situations. In order to financially afford that, I needed the illustrations to apply to anyone. (That’s why I chose to use a cartoon character, rather than people.) We geared the book towards the very young child (ages 3-5.) We had 10 parents read the book to their 4 and 5 year olds and then ask them which was the mommy bear and which was the daddy. They gave all different answers, so we thought we had done a good job.
With all that said, it is my intention to eventually have a version that fits every family situation. However, I won’t print any more female versions until I can have the pictures altered in some way. Since I fund these books myself, I have no idea when I will have enough money to print different books.
If you look at the sample book on Grimes’ Web site, XYandMe, you can see what she means and decide for yourself. (The sample book is the version for straight parents using egg donation, but the illustrations are the same. The text has just been tweaked for that particular situation.)
I admire Grimes for listening to her readers’ feedback and wanting to make changes, but in fact, I’m not sure how much of a problem this really is. Yes, the mother bear does look a little masculine to me, but that might actually be a bonus for butch parents. Would ribbons, earrings, pink clothes, or a skirt on the bear help identify it as female? Perhaps, but does that perpetuate other stereotypes? Breasts and hips might help—but bears don’t really have them.
The one other point I should note is that the text is written as if the “Mommy” bear was the pregnant one. Families where “Mama” (or “Baba,” or “Mama J,” or . . .) is the gestational mom will have to swap in the appropriate name. (It appears on only two pages, though.) This isn’t really a criticism, just a heads up. Grimes had to choose something. If it was this or waiting until she had the money to print all conceivable (!) versions, I would have gone with “Mommy,” too.
I’d recommend this book for lesbian couples who used simple AI, and who don’t mind the illustrations as is. Those who went through IVF or donated eggs from one partner to the other will find it’s not entirely accurate for them (though they may like it as a starting point for filling in their own details). Let’s hope more people buy Grimes’ books to allow her to come out with future variations that will fit even more of our families.
If you want to buy it yourself, you can do so directly from Grimes’ Web site. The major online booksellers (Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Powells) aren’t carrying the series.