I’ve had a number of women contact me over the past couple of years to ask about the procedure Helen and I went through to have our child. We used my egg and her uterus, making things a tad more complicated than the usual assisted reproduction. I’ve e-mailed back a version of the below to those who’ve inquired, but never got around to posting it here. Consider that rectified, by popular request.
Please note that I’m not a doctor or a lawyer, so this is not a recommendation for anything—just a description of my own experience. If you have an aversion to needles or lawyers, stop here and come back tomorrow. If not, read on.
The egg-donation process is a type of in vitro fertilization (IVF). It began with physicals for both of us. Depending on the fertility clinic one uses, there may also be age limits, especially for the egg donor. (This can be slightly higher for a known donor than for an unknown one—at the clinic we used, it was 38 for a known donor and 36 for an unknown.) Something to keep in mind as you discuss who’s carrying and who’s donating.
We also saw a lawyer at this point to make sure none of the paperwork we needed to sign at the clinic would waive either of our rights. Very often, clinics only have paperwork for donors who are either anonymous donors or are giving up their parental rights (e.g., to help a friend or sister conceive). We also made sure our regular stack of same-sex relationship paperwork (wills and powers of attorney) was up to date. I seem to recall we made sure it covered the weird, scary cases like what would happen legally to the child if Helen fell into a coma during pregnancy, was declared brain dead, and then the child was born.
Helen then needed to go through hormone treatments to prepare and thicken the lining of the uterus to receive the egg. I needed to take hormones to produce many eggs at once (instead of our usual one/month).
Helen first went through one “test cycle” of hormone pills to make sure her uterus responded appropriately. Then I went on birth control pills in order to synch my cycle with hers. Yes, the first time I ever went on birth control in my life was in order to have a child. Hee.
We then began our respective real medications, this time as injections. All of the injections for me were with tiny needles, the kind used by diabetics to take insulin. I gave them to myself in the belly, just below the navel. Pretty minor as needles go, though there is a mental barrier to get over. There were about three different types of hormones I took at various times. Towards the end, as my ovaries grew appropriately, I felt bloated, with a little discomfort if I pressed my belly, but no real pain.
Helen started with a hormone given with small needles, and then needed another hormone for a week or two, given with a 2″ needle in her backside, which I had to give her. This was in a thick, sesame-oil base, and caused some soreness.
We both went to the clinic every other morning between 6 and 7:00 a.m. for blood tests and ultrasounds, to make sure things were progressing normally. Not only that, but both of us had cut out caffeine for the duration. We figured it was good training for the tiredness of new motherhood.
My final injection was to “release” the eggs. It had to be timed so the eggs would be ready for retrieval at the precise moment of my scheduled appointment at the clinic. The first time we tried, I was in the middle of a business meeting, and had to excuse myself to go to the ladies’ room and shoot up. I felt like I was doing something rather illicit, under the circumstances.
Exactly 36 hours after the injection, I went under general anesthetic for about 15 minutes, and woke up with the eggs removed. (They stick a tube up the vagina and make a tiny hole in the uterus to reach the ovaries.) No pain, although I was apparently babbling nonsense for a few minutes after the anesthetic wore off.
The clinic fertilized the eggs with donor sperm that we’d purchased separately and had delivered to them. Based on how the embryos developed, they would call us back in either five or six days to implant a certain number. The insertion is done without anesthetic, though it’s done in the surgery room of the clinic—they basically put a tube in and shoot the embryos through it.
They always implant more than one, if they can—this apparently boosts the chances that any one will take. More mean a better chance of pregnancy, but also of multiple births. That was the most difficult question we faced, after choosing our sperm donor. The doctors make a recommendation for the number to insert, based on how the embryos are developing, but ultimately, it’s up to the client.
We then waited for the results. Note that over-the-counter pregnancy tests won’t work in this situation—something to do with the hormones the carrier’s been on. We had to go through this whole process twice (though we didn’t need the test cycle the second time) before we had a pregnancy. Unfortunately, we were not able to freeze any of the embryos from the first attempt, so we had to start from scratch the second time.
Helen kept going to the fertility clinic every few days for the next couple of weeks, until we had a confirmed pregnancy. Shortly thereafter, they cast her loose to see her regular OB/GYN only every couple of months. This was an absolute eternity to us after we had gotten used to being at the fertility clinic so often. We did end up going back to the clinic regularly for a prospective lesbian moms’ group they had started, and were tempted each time to sneak in the back and fire up the ultrasound. (We managed to restrain ourselves.)
The adventure had a legal side as well. In NJ, where we lived, I would have had no parental rights when the child was born—except that we successfully petitioned the state to grant them to me. I was thus a legal parent from the moment of our son’s birth. This had a practical side—there was no lag time between birth and adoption, so if I was hit by a truck, he was guaranteed my Social Security benefits. It also had an emotional one—I probably would have been surly about needing to go through the process of home studies and such in order to adopt my own genetic son. Each state is different, though, so check with an attorney. (Note also that some employers will cover adoption expenses, but not expenses for parentage orders.)
Some states (CA, NJ, and MA, I believe, if you’re in a DP/CU/marriage) will also now put both partners’ names on a birth certificate from the start, without needing an adoption or court order—but the National Center for Lesbian Rights suggests getting one of them anyway, for better federal protection and when traveling outside those states. Again, check with your own attorney.
IVF like this is hugely expensive, about $20,000 per try. My employer’s insurance covered most of it, however, except the sperm, which was about $300 each time. Legal fees for our birth order were about $2500, comparable to an adoption.
It’s not an easy process, but it felt right for us, and we were lucky enough to be in circumstances that allowed us to do it. I hope that by sharing this information, I’m passing along a little of that luck to others who may follow the same path.
Did you subsequently do a 2nd parent adoption? If not, are there circumstances that make your child’s birth certificate different from a CA, MA, or (current) NJ b.c.? Just curious.
(And SO jealous that your insurance covered partner-partner donor egg essentially in full!!!)
My partner and I have a DP in Oregon (giving us all the state rights of a legal marriage), but are currently in the process of filing a 2nd parent adoption as well. We were told that even though my partner and I are on the birth certificate, only a 2nd parent adoption would guarantee that our parental rights extend beyond the state.
Yes, just putting my name on the birth certificate would not have been enough–the difference was that we also had a court order stating that both Helen and I were the legal parents. This meant we didn’t need to do a second-parent adoption. The advantage was that we got the court order before our child was born; adoptions can’t be done until afterwards, and sometimes take several months to happen.
My understanding (and I’m not a lawyer) is that states will recognize either an adoption or a court order from another state, but not a birth certificate alone.
When we travel, we bring both our son’s birth certificate and a copy of the court order (and the POAs Helen and I have for each other). Then we pray we never have to use them.
I am wondering how the IVF with donor egg was presented to your insurance company. Was it considered infertility treatment? What questions did you ask or do you suggest asking of an insurance company to see the extent to which they might cover a similar (IVF with partner’s egg) procedure?
Yes, technically, this was infertility treatment. Insurance companies seem to require that it be “medically necessary.” I’d recommend taking an assumptive approach: “We’re going to do this because as a couple, we’re not medically able to have a child that comes from both of us without going through this procedure. You’ll cover it in that case, right?” This may work best, of course, if you’re using insurance through an employer that provides DP benefits and has a good track record of support for LGBT employees.
It’s been a few years now, but I seem to remember that the first insurance service rep I spoke with didn’t know the answer to whether it would be covered, and had to discuss with a supervisor. I’d recommend not being set back by an initial “no” or “I don’t know.” Don’t be afraid to ask for a supervisor if needed–and get the name of the rep(s) you speak with and take notes, in case there are questions later.
No guarantees, of course. Also, note that most insurance companies, even the one we used, will only pay for up to three tries at IVF per person per lifetime. We got lucky and got pregnant at #2.
Thank you Dana!
I used Fertility Ties http://www.fertilityties.com for IUI options and non-bias details. :)
Not a lesbian perspective but not-not either. :)
My ex-partner and I did almost exactly this same thing to conceive our children in Minnesota. After we broke up, we petitioned the courts to have both of us listed on our twins birth certificates and a court order recognizing us both as legal parents. They agreed! No problems at all! (luckily) I had a hard time thinking I needed to adopt my own children, so this is the route we took.
Pingback: Mombian » Blog Archive » “She Got Me Pregnant”: Episode 27
Pingback: Queercents » Blog Archive » Got kids? Are You Legally Protected?
My partner and I just went to a fertility clinic here in DC (Shady Grove fertility Clinic) that WILL NOT even consider doing partner donation IVF unless regular donor insemination doesn’t work (i.e. it’s “medically necessary”). Wonder how many clinics are taking this position? Strikes me as nothing more than a pretext for discrimination.
Pingback: Mombian: Sustenance for Lesbian Moms » Blog Archive » Iron Chef Cat Cora Has a Bun in the Oven
Pingback: Offsprung > Mombian » Iron Chef Cat Cora Will Be Cooking for a Crowd
Would you be able to tell me anything about the cost of going through this process? We have been considering different options and we like the idea of using my uterus and her egg, but it seems like it could potentially be very costly. I am sure the costs would vary for many different reasons, but any information would be helpful. I have been having difficulty finding much information about the subject, and any help would be greatly appreciated.
Vanessa: The cost very much depends on a) Whether your medical insurance will cover IVF and consider your situation one of medical necessity; and 2) How many tries it takes you to get pregnant. Even insurance companies that cover IVF usually don’t cover more than three attempts. (We were lucky and did it in two.) Otherwise, it can run $10-20,000 a try. Sperm is almost never covered, regardless, and can be about $3-500 per try. Plus lawyer’s fees–and I would always recommend working with a lawyer in your state to ensure your rights as a couple and if (heaven forbid) you ever separate. I want to say those would run about $2500-3000, but may depend on whether you’re doing a second-parent adoption or trying to get a court order, and may vary from state to state. Some corporations cover adoption fees for employees as part of their benefits package. Might check into that, if your employer is big enough.
Thanks for your referral from @mombian – This blog post was very helpful for me.
@GayParent
Pingback: Mombian » Blog Archive » Congrats, Cat and Jennifer!
Pingback: Mombian » Blog Archive » Happy Birthday, Louise Brown!
Stuck in DC- we also heard this from Shady Grove. We found a Dr. in Baltimore who would work with us. Shady Grove was not helpful and we found them rude…. but what we later found out is that many clinics won’t do 2 donor ivf, which is technicaly what this is. You can call fertility doctors in DC and specifically ask if they will do 2 donor ivf. Good luck! Let me know if you want our doctor’s info.
Pingback: Mombian » Blog Archive » Cat Cora on Cover of Working Mother
Pingback: Mombian » Blog Archive » In Vitro Fertilization: A Nobel Cause
I live in California and just put my name on my son’s birth certificate. Our attorney is working on the rest of the details now for my son’s adoption.Thanks for sharing your story.
I live in Ohio. I have 2 daughters but my partner would like to have a biological child of her own which I would carry for her. I would like to know the time frame on the start of the process to birth on your second try. I’m 37 and would like to have the baby before I turn 40, is that realistic? I’ve never had a problem with conceiving, will that help the process. Thanks so much for sharing your experience with those of us who want to do it too but cant get answers to questions.
Alysia: I can share our experience, but please keep in mind that everything depends on your health, doctor’s preferences, etc. It took us about a year for first try, failure, second try, and our child’s birth. Many couples find it takes more than two tries, though. (Not trying to be pessimistic; just realistic.) Good luck!
Dana,
My partner and I are embarking on this as we speak. We have not done any legal work, however and need to get on it apparently. I have a major question about how you petitioned the state of NJ. We also live in a state, Virginia, where second-parent adoptions are not granted. Can you give me tips, pointers, steps you took to make this happen?!
Thanks so much,
Sarah
Pingback: Mombian » Blog Archive » LGBT Parenting Roundup
Thank you for the information and personal insight. My partner and I are taking the steps to go through the process ourselves. It is beneficial to know the “insider’s” point of view. Best wishes to you and your family!