Parents Share Stories of Biology, Community, Society

(Originally published in Bay Windows, May 22, 2008.)
Photo (L to R): Jarrett Barrios, David Trueblood, Rick Wellisch, Polly Crozier, Kelly Lawrence.

“You cannot figure out being a parent by yourself,” asserted David Trueblood, a gay dad and director of public relations for the Boston Foundation. He was speaking at the Cambridge Center for Adult Education (CCAE) on May 14, as part of a panel designed to help LGBT parents and prospective parents figure it out together.

“CCAE has historically been a welcoming space for LGBT folks,” said the Center’s assistant director, Will McMillan. “This panel is simply a continuation of that spirit of inclusivity.” Some of the 30 or so people who attended were parents already, as was clear from the baby stroller parked in the back. Others were still in the planning phases, asking questions like, “How much does it cost to get pregnant?”

The panelists represented a range of family structures and experiences. Moderator Kelly Lawrence, a lawyer with the U.S. Attorney’s office and a biological mother, began by asking the panelists what parenting advice they wished they’d received. “God, why wasn’t I told about the teenage years?” said Jarrett Barrios, former state senator and now president of the Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts Foundation. He is the father of two adopted boys, ages 12 and 16. Later, though, he reassured the audience: “I always have anxieties. I suspect you will, too. It’s completely normal.” All of the panelists spoke with a similarly candid tone. This was, however, no panel of parenting experts, although they were prominent for other reasons. These were parents who had simply been there before.

Rick Wellisch, a Mt. Auburn Hospital internist also on the Harvard Medical School faculty, has a three-and-a-half-year-old daughter and 18-month-old twins, all born through gestational surrogacy. He said he wished he’d been better informed about the whole surrogacy process, especially about how many attempts might be needed. He also spoke frankly about life with children, saying, “The first few weeks and months, particularly with twins, is hellish.” Like Trueblood, he affirmed, “There’s no need to do it alone.” Parents have to develop “a sense of trusting you know your kid better than anybody else knows your kid,” but also learn who to ask for assistance and advice.

Family lawyer Polly Crozier, of the Law Office of Joyce Kauffman, and the non-biological mother of a two-year-old girl, said that in retrospect, she might have given more consideration to known or willing-to-be-known sperm donors. She thinks that finding daycare was the task she and her partner were most unprepared for after their daughter was born, because they didn’t know a lot of families with two employed parents.

Trueblood, who had started down the road to parenthood more than 20 years ago, wished he’d learned it was okay to make mistakes. “There was an enormous pressure to have [parenting] be wonderful because there were plenty of people who were willing to be critical of us for doing it at all,” he said. He also wished he’d built a better network with other gay parents, difficult at a time when there were fewer to be found.

Lawrence then focused on one of the biggest questions for many LGBT parents: how biology plays into the family experience. Again, the panelists offered varied perspectives. Their common message, however, was that parenting can transcend biology, but for their children’s sake parents cannot ignore the biological facts of their creation.

Wellisch and his partner each donated for one of their surrogate’s pregnancies. He worried whether he would bond with his non-biological child but realized, “You can’t not love a child you are raising.” He added, though, that it is important to talk through any feelings of competition between partners. Parents should also be prepared to discuss with their children the details of their creation.

Even though she never had a desire to be a biological parent, Crozier admitted she felt a little competition with her partner, who gave birth to their daughter. She was hurt, too, by comments from her partner’s family about how much the child resembled her partner. As her confidence in parenting grew, however, and she was able to communicate her feelings to her in-laws, the tensions eased.

Barrios, as an adoptive parent, reflected, “There’s always the imagined parent who is perfect. Working through that is proof that parenting isn’t about biology, it’s about love.” At the same time, he said, “There is a desire to understand one’s biology. . . . It’s not right to dismiss those feelings and deny your child their biology.” On a related note, Barrios, who is of Cuban descent, said it was important for him to adopt Latino children; his sons are Puerto Rican. “One’s culture, one’s experience and upbringing, language, in this case, is particularly important, and connected to those memories which they associate with their mother.”

For Trueblood, the bigger challenge “wasn’t biology, it was sociology.” He had parented together with a lesbian couple, and noted, “There’s a closure you don’t have when you’re not part of an intimate relationship, but you are intimately connected.” At times, he said, they had to learn how to stop focusing on each other and their relationship, and focus on their child.

The panelists also discussed how LGBT-headed families relate to their local communities, and how children themselves will begin to discuss their families. Barrios said he and his partner tried to give their sons other role models of two-mom and two-dad families, as well as other adoptive families, so even if they weren’t a majority, they were a norm. When asked if a two-dad family was an issue with the boys when they were adopted at ages seven and 11, Barrios said it was only after the first few meetings that they clued in to the fact that there were no moms. The dads explained that all families were different, and the boys took it in stride. “Kids have fantasies about what a family is going to be,” he said, “In our case, it wasn’t a gendered fantasy. What was important was that we were going to throw a baseball with them and go places and do fun stuff.” The bigger hurdle was that for their initial pre-adoption meetings, the dads always took the boys somewhere exciting. Once they settled down as a family, Barrios said, it was hard to explain why they weren’t going to Six Flags every weekend.

On the question of what the children call their parents, the general consensus was that although parents may have a preference, “It’s the kids’ choice for sure,” as Lawrence put it. Barrios is “Papi,” reflecting his Latino heritage; his partner is Daddy. Crozier said she and her partner are also drawing from their culture with her partner as “Ima,” Hebrew for mother, and herself as “Mom.” Wellisch and his partner are “Daddy” Rick and Daddy Cary. Trueblood said his son has alternated between “Dad” and “David.” The question of what to call parents of the same gender is not unique to LGBT families, though, Lawrence observed. She faced the same issue trying to figure out how to distinguish her divorced parents and stepparents.

Crozier also offered some legal tips for LGBT parents, urging them to have paperwork in order, including wills, powers of attorney, and healthcare proxies. Even if you don’t have a lot of money, she said, a will is important because it can state how you want your minor child taken care of in the event of your death. The most important thing, though, is to do a second-parent adoption, even if the parents are married and both are on the child’s birth certificate. Parents could otherwise face difficulties when traveling outside the state. If the non-biological parent dies before the child is 18, too, the child would not receive her or his Social Security benefits without an adoption.

The audience laughed at the panelists’ humorous anecdotes and asked a range of questions, including one about how to respect an adopted child’s relationship with her birth mother, “the most non-functional adult we’ve ever met;” how to protect children in case of a parental breakup; what to do when extended family isn’t supportive; and how to find a co-parent of the opposite gender. The panelists offered examples from their own experiences, but also conveyed that there is often no one right answer.

Wellisch summed up the evening when he related some advice a social worker once gave him about starting a family: “It is complicated, it is a crazy ride no matter which option you decide to go after. It is stressful, it is a roller coaster – and when you get to be a parent, it is amazing. She was right.”