A Mom by Any Other Name

What do our children call us? This is a recurring topic on several of the lesbian-mom blogs I read, and has popped up as a question on Mombian as well. Most recently, the Faggots on the Third Floor blog has asked whether “mommy” tends to be used for the bio mom, and “mama” for the non-bio mom, and if one implies a closer bond. Reader comments show a variety of usages and thoughtful comments on the subject. Back in April, The Other Mother also had a thread going on this. Diary of a Lesbian Step Mother has a related thread on choosing a child’s last name. A non-blog bulletin board hosted by BabyCenter has a number of similar postings, too

My situation is that I donated an egg, which my partner carried (using donor sperm), so instead of bio/non-bio, we’re gestational/genetic. I’m Mommy and she’s Momma, for no other reason than that she thought it would sometimes be fun to refer to herself “Big Momma,” since she’s the bigger of us. (Not that that takes much; I’m 5′ 0″ in my bare feet.) Being the primary caregiver was not at all a part of our name choice–as it turns out, we’ve each spent time as the stay-at-home mom.

Our son said “ma-ma” for both of us until about 18 months, since that was all he could verbalize. At a very early age, though, he could correctly point to “Mommy” and “Momma.” Now he has no problem saying the names properly, despite their similarity. I wouldn’t be surprised if “Mommy” evolves into “Mom” as our son gets older and “Mommy” seems too childish, but ultimately, it’s up to our son.

Interestingly, when we petitioned the state of New Jersey to put us both on our son’s birth certificate without an adoption (which they did), they would only do so if we were both listed as “parent,” not “mother,” since this would open a can of worms in other cases. For example, in the case of a straight couple using a surrogate, the surrogate and the mom wishing to raise the child could then both claim they were her/his mother. In the well known New Jersey case of Baby M, the state maintained that the surrogate, if she wanted to keep the child, would be its only legal mother. The state therefore feels it has a valid reason to claim that there can’t be two legal “mothers,” though there can be two legal “parents.” I can understand that, although I’d like to think the state can distinguish cases of two lesbians who want to raise a child together from those of two women competing over a child. (For that matter, let same-sex couples marry and solve the whole problem.)

Regardless of what our son calls us now, I suspect we’ll both become “Hey” once he reaches the teen years–as in “Hey, when’s dinner?” and “Hey, stay out of my room.” Still, I will continue to love my child/son/boy/offspring/kid no matter what we choose to call each other.