Serious Spells for Sapphic Belles

The room was dark. “Lumos!” said the witch, and a glowing orb of light illuminated the bookshelves. The woman searched for a few minutes and then cried out in surprise. Behind a well-thumbed, leather-bound volume of Hogwarts: A History and a fraying copy of Parent Hex, was a tome covered in cruelty-free fabric (woven by a local witches’ cooperative out of organic fluxweed), written on recycled paper using soy-based inks, and promising that 10% of profits from all sales would go to the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare.

She read the first few lavender-hued pages and knew she had found it: a copy of the long-lost Serious Spells for Sapphic Belles, by Sofie T. Ball.

Herewith, an excerpt of the top 13:

• Vehiculumotum Spell: Causes the appearance of a large vehicle for transporting household goods. Most effective when cast after the Dentispurus toothbrush-creating spell.
• Ex Hex: Makes the victim view all women but the spell caster as irredeemably ugly. Side effects include fits of remorse and bouts of uncontrollable sobbing.
• Dormamortis Revivo Charm: Brings a bed back to life, as it were.
• Processus Finito Spell: A cure for the Processus Adinfinitum curse.
• Nail-Trimming Charm: For last-minute grooming.
• Nail-Growing Jinx: Causes a person’s fingernails to grow to unnatural size. Often used in conjunction with the Ex Hex.
• Bigot-Bogey Hex: Causes the victim’s nasal excretions to grow and become cemented across his or her mouth. Effective against the Defenso Matrimonium curse.
• Defurreo Charm: Removes cat hair from one’s robes or furniture.
• Scriberosie Spell:
  casting this spell
  will make u
  or ur victim
  write like this
• Sensibilio Charm: Transforms uncomfortable footwear.
• Mensumsensum Spell: Causes the victim to become incapable of casting hexes, jinxes, and curses while PMS’ing.
• Etheridgeridoo Spell: Increases the victim’s musical prowess. Side effects include the desire to hang out with ex-members of the Ministry for Magic and talk about climate change.
• Fantasia Gymnasia Charm: Causes the victim to transform her appearance to resemble your fourth-year Quidditch coach.

(With apologies to J. K. Rowling and MuggleNet. No Harry Potter stuff tomorrow. I promise.)