Here’s this week’s post in my Family Voices series. COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere) member Asha talks about being second-generation queerspawn, how to survive when families get “messy,” and why COLAGE matters to her.
Tell us a little about the family in which you grew up. Who was in it? Anything particular you’d like to share about yourselves?
My family is really a melding of both biological and chosen family. I’ll start with my bio family. Like many COLAGE families, my mom came out later in life. Until I was 16 I lived with both my bio Mom and Dad who were married. Our family consisted of my Mom, Dad, and brother. At that time, my parents separated and it was a couple years into the separation that my Mom came out. Both of my parents have re-married after their divorce. My Dad and stepmom have had two children so now I’m blessed with two baby brothers! My chosen family includes my chosen sister, her bio mother, and some precious friends. I am second generation, being the queer daughter of a lesbian mother. In total, my family makes for 4 moms (3 are gay!), 1 dad, and three brothers, and many heart friends. I am an artist, drag king, femme, southern belle, sex radical, and drama queen. At heart though I’m a queer activist and have had the good fortune to work in the LGBT movement for the past 10 years.
What has been the most challenging thing you’ve faced as the child of (an) LGBT parent(s)? How did you handle it?
One challenge is when other adult queers freak out when they realize I’m second generation and ask me whether I think my mom contributed to my queerness. I feel like this reaction is an example of internalized homophobia. Why shouldn’t queerspawn end up with many different sexual orientations or gender identities? I really see my sexual orientation as immutable fact. I don’t think the sexual orientation of my many mothers are responsible.
What, if anything, did your parent(s) do to help you understand their sexual orientation or gender identity, or to help you deal with any issues this raised at school or elsewhere? Any resources (groups, books, movies, Web sites, etc.) you found particularly helpful?
My mom just talked to me lots and was really honest about what she was feeling. I’d say there were movies that helped me come out like The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love which happened to hit me at the exact right time.
Anything you wish your parents had done differently in terms of the above?
I wish my Mom hadn’t come out to me while she was driving. I felt trapped in the car—but then I guess that was the point, as I was a bit of a squirmy teenager. I also feel really caught on the idea of family, as in my mom sometimes had really poor taste in women, women who should not have been role models for me and were not good for her. I felt forced to interact with them and their families. I often felt that family in this way was forced upon me. I learned to chose my family and that every partner or girlfriend my mom had would not be my family, just the important ones. Also, my parents were in the middle of a messy divorce. My mom was afraid she wouldn’t get custody of my brother if my Dad knew I was queer. She asked me not to come out to my Dad, and I respected her wishes for a year. It was a mistake. I felt I had cut my Dad out of my life because I couldn’t talk to him about the most important thing in my life at that time. I also experienced a lot of hostility from my dad for being too much like my mom. Basically, families get messy sometimes but our love and relationships have been able to survive and heal past the hard times.
How does having an LGBT parent affect you in your adult life? Or how has the experience of having an LGBT parent shifted in adulthood?
Having lesbian moms really makes for an amazing life! We have such a strong and beautiful family. I feel extremely close to my mother and my other chosen “moms” as well. I feel held and appreciated knowing that I have so many strong women to turn to in any situation life might throw at me.
What are the ways that having an LGBT parent has made you into who you are today?
I am absolutely a product of my mother. She birthed me, shaped me, and watched over me so carefully. I’ve always been myself, but her intention and protection has allowed me to be the very best version of myself I could possibly be. My mom also raised me as a feminist, to be an activist to see the world as something that can be changed, improved.
What advice would you most like to pass on to other children of LGBT parents? To the parents themselves?
To the children: Live loud and proud of being the queerspawn that you are!
To the parents: Think ahead! Have a plan for the racial, class, cultural, sexual orientation, gender identity difference that your children may have from you.
Why did you choose to become involved with COLAGE?
Well, I’ve always been claimed as a COLAGER! I’m involved with COLAGE because it’s a radical organizing seeking to support, educate, and inspire the children of queer parents. I’ve had the opportunity to teach and learn with COLAGE and it’s an inspiring process full of connection.
How else, if at all, are you involved in your community or in LGBT activism/politics?
Queer activism and a commitment to social justice is the personal and professional passion of my life. It is both my paid work and heart passion. I’ve had the opportunity to do many incredible things and already have witnessed monumental changes. I have faith that we will see more change in my lifetime than my mother’s. I’d like to think that all my hard work will in some small way contribute towards that change.
Please share a favorite memory of being a COLAGEer or having an LGBT parent.
My favorite time with COLAGE was being a staff member for the Provincetown camp this summer! It was amazing to get to work with some many other queerspawn and learn about what young COLAGErs today are up to. It was an amazing time of action, tiredness, community, and learning. Everyone should go to camp!