(Originally published in Bay Windows, August 6, 2009.)
It is August now, and for many parents, that means the all-too-swift descent towards back-to-school time. It seems apt, then, to take another look at the ongoing issue of including discussion of LGBT families in classrooms.
Many ultra-conservatives warn that our schools are being invaded by nefarious homosexual activists with an agenda to turn America’s children gay or teach them about gay sex. They seem to forget that children of LGBT parents are already sitting in those classrooms. (LGBT children may be there already, too, although they may not yet be fully aware of their identities.)
The conservatives argue that elementary students are too young to learn about “such things.” The fact is, my son has known he has two moms ever since he was born, and it hasn’t seemed to bother him—or his many friends with straight parents—a bit. What the conservatives really mean, of course, is that these children are too young to learn about sex. I agree.
We’re not talking about sex, though. We don’t talk about it when we discuss families headed by opposite-gender parents, and there is no need to do so when we discuss families headed by same-gender ones. (Not only that, but because opposite-gender parents usually create their families by having sex, and same-gender parents don’t, shouldn’t conservatives be more concerned with children learning about sex when they discuss opposite-sex parents?) It is simply a matter of supporting all children in the community by acknowledging their families in classroom discussions and activities.
Some say that it is all well and good to discuss LGBT families, but parents should have the right to opt their children out of such discussions. That argument might work if the discussions could be contained. The problem is, from the very first assignment of many a school year, “Tell us what you did during summer vacation,” many teachers will be hard pressed to avoid acknowledging that some students have LGBT parents. “Mommy and Momma and I went camping,” my own son might write. “My dads got married,” another might pen, pasting in pictures of the happy couple and herself as flower girl. “My dad’s name is now Brenda,” a third might explain.
If the students share their stories in class, as many do, then the word is out. There’s also the common classroom assignment of drawing a family tree, or coloring cards for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Each brings LGBT families into the classroom regardless of the curriculum guidelines and regulations. School districts may implement opt-out policies, but parents should be aware that they cannot constrain all discussion.
Preparing teachers, administrators, and other parents to be supportive and inclusive of children from all family backgrounds is thus not a matter of caving to some distant organization of political activists. It is a matter of creating a learning environment in which all children may thrive. Luckily, there are a host of new resources available to help, including the Welcoming Schools guide from HRC (welcomingschools.org); the Safe Schools: Cultivating Respect program from PFLAG (community.pflag.org); educational films and curriculum guides like That’s a Family, It’s STILL Elementary, and Straightlaced from Groundspark (groundspark.org); and, for religious congregations, All In God’s Family, a multimedia curriculum from the Institute for Welcoming Resources (welcomingresources.org).
More than formal programs or diversity seminars, however, it is the personal connections people make that will create positive change. It is a willingness to be inclusive with a respectful, “What do you call each of your moms?” an inquiring, “How should we approach your son about the Father’s Day project?” or even, “Would you or John be willing to bring a salad to the class picnic?” that will make the most difference in the lives of LGBT parents and our children.
It is not, however, solely the school’s responsibility to make sure this happens, nor solely that of the straight community. Those of us in the LGBT community must spend at least as much time educating our friends, or potential friends, as we do chastising our enemies.
I think we sometimes forget this. It is hard, when news of marriage equality rallies and protests grab the headlines, when a radio host urges violence against transgender teens, or when someone wants to remove copies of LGBT-inclusive picture books like And Tango Makes Three
And we should call bigots to task, especially on matters related to children. At the same time, there would be less fertile ground in which bigotry could spread if we sowed it first with seeds of understanding. It is easy to lash out; harder to be proactive in educating those who want to be helpful but don’t know how. It is easy to dismiss someone’s deeply held beliefs or simple misconceptions as bigotry, just as it is easy to dismiss someone based on media images of their supposed “lifestyle.” It is harder to take the time to see where they’re really coming from, find common ground, and work from there.
LGBT and not, however, we must try to make time for those conversations, even though time is one thing parents of all types tend to lack. The future of our children—all the children—depends on it. It is this environment of respect, inclusion, and community building that will help them develop to their full potential and become the kind of citizens our country needs.
Pingback: Back To School Time | Green Dads