Father’s Day is this Sunday—a holiday that might seem to exclude children with only moms. The reality is a little more complex.
Here are some things to keep in mind:
- Some two-mom families celebrate one of us on Father’s Day; others pile both moms onto Mother’s Day. Sometimes, Father’s Day is used to honor a donor or birth father (though see #2 below). For teachers, it’s important to be flexible about Father’s Day and Mother’s Day class activities, and to tell all students that they can make their creations for whomever they choose. (This is also valuable for children who may have lost a parent, who are being raised by grandparents, or who have some other “non-traditional” family structure.)
- It’s true that for most two-mom and single-mom-by-choice families, a donor is not the same as a father. He does not have the primary responsibility for childraising. Often he is someone the child never meets, or only meets at the age of 18. Some known donors do play a more active role in their children’s lives—but it’s always a good idea to ask the family how they refer to him. For two perspectives into the role of donors, check out Jennifer Berney’s “What a Father Is, and Isn’t,” in Brain, Child and Anne Penniston Grunsted’s “An Open Letter To My Son’s Sperm Donor,” in Role Reboot.
- Some of our children do have fathers, however, either a birth father (in the case of an adopted child), a father from a parent’s former relationship, or a co-parent or known donor whom the child considers a dad (though again, in most cases, a donor is not considered a dad). Whether they choose to celebrate them on Father’s Day is another individual choice.
- Some children have one parent who is a transgender woman, but who still thinks of herself as their father (although as Brynn Tannehill wrote recently in USA Today, that’s not the only option). Conversely, other children started with two moms, one of whom transitioned and now considers himself a dad.
- Even when our children don’t have fathers themselves, their lives are full of fathers in other ways. Most of us LBT moms have one—grandfathers to our children. Some of us have two. We may have brothers and other relatives who are fathers, and we know fathers of our children’s friends. We often know gay, bi, and trans dads who (along with many straight, cis, dads), remind us of the various ways of being a father today.
- Just because many of our children don’t have someone they call “Dad,” therefore, doesn’t mean we and they don’t value the many people in this world who claim that title. My dad died almost four years ago, and not a day goes by that I don’t miss him.
I wish the very best to all who are celebrating this weekend, however you do so and whomever you honor!
