Happy Father’s Day to all of you who are fathers, have fathers in your lives, or use Father’s Day to celebrate one of the parents in your family in whatever fashion works for you. Here are some things I like to keep in mind as a lesbian mom on Father’s Day.
- Some two-mom families celebrate one of us on Father’s Day; others pile both moms onto Mother’s Day. Sometimes, Father’s Day is used to honor a donor or birth father (though see #2 below). For teachers, it’s important to be flexible about Father’s Day and Mother’s Day class activities, and to tell all students that they can make their creations for whomever they choose. (This is also valuable for children who may have lost a parent, who are being raised by grandparents, or who have some other “non-traditional” family structure.)
- It’s true that for many two-mom and single-mom-by-choice families, a donor is not the same as a father and does not have the primary responsibility for childraising. Often the child never meets their donor or only does so at the age of 18. In some families, however, this person is more than a donor and plays a more active role in their children’s lives—so it’s always a good idea to ask a family how they refer to their donor (assuming you have reason to refer to the donor at all, and aren’t just being nosy). For different perspectives into the role of donors, check out Jennifer Berney’s “What a Father Is, and Isn’t,” in Brain, Child, Anne Penniston Grunsted’s “An Open Letter To My Son’s Sperm Donor,” in Role Reboot, and Julie Childs’ story at the Task Force site.
- Some of our children do have fathers, however, either a birth father, a father coparenting with us, or from a mom’s former relationship. Whether they choose to celebrate them on Father’s Day is another individual choice.
- Some children have one parent who is a transgender woman, but who still thinks of herself as their father. As Brynn Tannehill wrote a few years ago in USA Today, though, that’s not the only option. Dawn Ennis, another trans woman, also offers her perspective on being “a mom whom my kids call ‘Dad.’” Conversely, other children started with two moms, one of whom transitioned and now identifies as a dad. There are lots of possibilities; the bottom line, in my opinion, is the celebration of our parenting roles and relationships, labels be damned.
- Even when our children don’t have fathers themselves, their lives are full of fathers in other ways. Many of us LBT moms have at least one, if not two, grandfathers to our children (although some of us have two moms ourselves). We may have brothers and other relatives who are fathers or father figures, and we know fathers of our children’s friends. We often know gay, bi, and trans dads who (along with many straight, cis, dads), remind us of the various ways of being a father today.
- Just because many of our children don’t have someone they call “Dad,” therefore, doesn’t mean we and they don’t value the many people in this world who claim that title. My dad died almost seven years ago, and not a day goes by that I don’t miss him.
I wish the very best to all who are celebrating this weekend, however you do so and whomever you honor!