Coming out is often described as an ongoing journey. As parents, we take the journey with our children.
Coming out as an LGBTQ parent can mean many different things. For same-sex couples, even if we were out before having kids, parenthood can bring a new level of visibility as our kids call “Mommy! Mama!” in the grocery store or chat about their families with teachers and friends at preschool. When this happened to me, I reminded myself that being unflinching in that moment was vital to instilling pride and self-confidence in my son rather than shame or hesitancy about his family. At other times, though, I found myself coming out to other parents who mistakenly assumed I was straight, something that single queer parents or queer people parenting with different-sex partners may encounter even more often. And for those who come out after having kids, the experience of coming out to one’s kids can vary depending on the child’s age and related circumstances, e.g., does the coming out involve just a recognition of identity or a separation from another parent? For parents, too, the coming out process is often colored with concerns about our family’s safety and our ability to provide for them in a country that still does not offer full non-discrimination protections for LGBTQ people.
Each of these situations may lead to different questions. I can only speak from my own experience, but here are a few places with advice from various perspectives:
- General advice: “How LGBTQ parents can handle coming out to their children,” by Lauren Rowello in the Washington Post.
- For coming out about sexual identity: “Coming Out to Your Child,” from Family Equality
- For coming out about gender identity: “Going from “Daddy” to “Mommy”: What Will I Tell My Kids?” by Trystan Reese, from Family Equality
- “How Do Bi Parents Come Out to Their Kids?” by Lux Alptraum at Self
- HRC’s Coming Out resources, while not specific to parents, are nevertheless helpful
Many of the books in my database may also be useful as starting points for talking with children about various identities and types of families, which may be useful for coming-out conversations. (Try the tag “Family types,” the ones for different queer identities, or “Pride.”)
It is important, too, to remember that our children, no matter their own identities, also have a coming out process about their families. I first realized this from reading Abigail Garner’s 2004 book Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is, and I think the lesson still holds true today. We can set examples of living openly and authentically and hope that our children will speak honestly and proudly about their families as well, but we should realize that like our own coming out, it is a process, perhaps especially for children who are older when their parents come out.
- COLAGE remains the best starting point for resources aimed at children (particularly older children and young adults) of LGBTQ parents.
Coming out is a personal choice with both personal and public ramifications. It is not anyone’s place to tell another when or how to come out. Yet I do believe that the more comfortable we parents are in our own identities—LGBTQ or otherwise—the more comfortable our children will be in theirs. And our collective visibility has a wider impact for the awareness and acceptance of LGBTQ families as a whole. For parents coming out, there are resources and communities of support (in person and virtual) to help ease the way. You’re not alone. Generations of LGBTQ parents and our children have been there before. And we’re happy to have you on the journey.
Happy National Coming Out Day!
