I first asked the titular question in 2011, and nearly 340 of you have responded since, along with many wonderful stories about how your parental names came to be. Here’s an updated summary of the LGBTQ Parental Names Project (and a chance to add your own names and stories)!
Perhaps my favorite recent response is from the person who explained, “When my wife and I transitioned the kid switched to calling me Parent! I add the exclamation because it’s always spoken emphatically and with joy and is a reflection of their humor and joy as well as acceptance of my non-binary trans masculinity.” Creative, joyful, evolving, and often with input from the kiddos—those themes run through many of these names.
Below is a selection of new responses—ones added since I last posted a summary of the answers a year ago. Please go read last year’s post, too, which includes even more responses from the first decade of this project on the themes below (and a few others). You can also view the full results spreadsheet.
If you haven’t yet submitted a response, I invite you to do so through the form at the bottom of the post. Results are public but are anonymous unless you choose to share your personal name(s). Things are a little mom-heavy right now, but I encourage parents (and grandparents) of all genders to participate!
My bold below.
Chose Definitively
- [Father, Dad, name; Father, Dad, Name] Instead of coming up with ideas, we keep it original. The kid knows we’re both fathers, but he uses our names because it’s less confusing.
- My wife and I are adoptive parents of a daughter named Elisa and we needed separate names for us so I am Mammy that’s what I called my mother and my wife wanted to be called Mummy so that’s what we did.
Let the Kids Choose
- Baba morphed into Bob when one kid was about 11.
- Mommy, Mother, Mama, my first name; Mommy, Mama, and her first name. We always agreed we would let our son decide what he wants to call us and we are fine with any of the names he chooses.
- Our kids are teens now. They mostly refer to both of us as Mom, and refer to us by our names (Jen and Roo) when trying to distinguish between us.
- We tried to influence our first but she chose Mama and Mommy – she was very rigid about it too. Now she can call me either but Mommy is never Mama. It could be confusing with two Mommy’s, but I’m bossy and always answer first. Our second came up with Mama-na and Mommy-ni, no idea where but it’s cute!
- UU or yuyu. It was supposed to be mama and mama Lou. Then my nephews called me Lulu. Our first son couldn’t say lulu and started saying you you and it stuck. The triplets also call me yuyu and their biological mom is mama or honey.
- Mom, or sometimes my oldest refers to me as Mother when he’s trying to be formal. I call myself Mama when I sign cards to them and such. I tried to get Baba to catch on when my partner and I moved in together, but my son was already 12 and he wasn’t having it. My other son had already moved out when [first name] moved in, so it just made sense for him to call them by their name.
Drew on Their Heritage
- Ima is Jewish for mom and my son and I are Jewish. Our kid sometimes calls me Ima Mama and his other mom Mama mama.
- Mamtad is a combination of the Welsh words for mother and father. There are quite a few words in Welsh which smoosh two words together to create a new meaning. The social workers refused to introduce me to my child as Mamtad (or Papa – short for parent – which was my backup choice). They said my child was too old at 7 to start out calling me a parental name. I suspect that if I’d wanted to be called Mum or Dad they wouldn’t have objected. However, I was introduced to my child as my first name. They quickly started calling me a nickname based on my name. Once I told them that I had wanted to be called Mamtad, they gradually switched to calling me that.
Created Something New
- Mama Rita is both a tribute to my grandmother named Rita and a shortening of “Mama Preferida,” which my wife came up with during a time when our young toddler son was heavily attached to me. Mama Muscles was a joke said by my wife one day after she carried something heavy that just stuck! Our son seems to be switching to Mom for both of us as he gets older, but otherwise he and all the people in our families and neighborhood use Mama Rita and Mama Muscles pretty consistently.
- We use mama and baba which are based off our first initials but also happen to be words small children can say. But we chose Pear and Plum as our official names when they are able to say them. My spouse is NB and wanted something neutral but not so official sounding as the word parent. Pear worked and Plum sounds like mum so we kept with the fruit theme. Our oldest is almost 3 and knows both but still mostly uses mama and baba.
- I have striking red hair so my partner affectionately named me Mama Red and it stuck. She wanted to be “Mommy” so we decided on “Mommy T” (her first name starts with “T” and we also joked that “T” stood for “titty” since she was breastfeeding him at first). When our little one started talking he called my partner “Ma-T”. We thought it was adorable and loved that he chose her name so for now, and forever, she is “Ma-T.”
Chose to Reflect Their Gender Identity
- Mama/Mom before coming out and then Parent! Our kid’s other bio-parent and my sweet wife transitioned and our kid started calling her Momz pretty early on after she came out. I’m the bio parent of my kid but always felt ambivalent about being Mom. The kid referred to me by my first name till they were four then switched to Mama and then mom… When my wife and I transitioned the kid switched to calling me Parent! I add the exclamation because it’s always spoken emphatically and with joy and is a reflection of their humor and joy as well as acceptance of my non-binary trans masculinity. My wife is a transwoman who came out after our kid was born, she was always the more maternal of the two of us from the start, we really let the kid decide what honorifics they wanted to bestow on us.
- My parent name (Aba) means dad in Hebrew. Before I was out as trans/genderqueer, I assumed my parent name would be “Ima” which is mom in Hebrew, and once I came out as enby I considered “Iba” as a combination of the two. But ultimately, Aba just felt right. Especially since I’m still read as female most of the time, having a more masculine coded parent title helps be a counterpoint to the song of constant misgendering when other people refer to me as “mom” or some variation.
- JoJo’s middle name is Jo. She identifies as a parent, not as a mother or father. Our kiddo (4) is still making sense of who is a mom, a dad, a boy, a girl, a Jojo, etc. some days kiddo says Jojo is a girl and some days a boy. But it’s always clear that a JoJo is a loving parent.
- I am a lesbian mom and I am more masculine I would just think it be easier for the child to call me DAD. I am a lesbian mom and I and we’re not scared. I would just think it [would] be easier for the child to call me dad.
- [I am a] Transgender woman, bioparent – divorced. As the years go on, “DeeDee” has become difficult for me – I am wanting to say to the wider world, “I am a mom whose kid’s call her DeeDee ” – so that I can more easily communicate who I am to strangers and/or when filling out paperworks with the MUM/DAD checkbox system.
- I’m a nonbinary person who uses they/them pronouns and dabbles in both masc and fem presentation. The kids’ other parent is a pretty straight passing cisgender man. When I first got pregnant we joked that I would be “Daddy” and my cis male partner would be “Mamá.” My biological father wasn’t around much and my lesbian mothers started dating when I was in preschool. It took a while for people to catch on that my parents were gay because I called my butch stepparent “Daddy.” After I gave birth I got worried as none of the titles for nonbinary parents felt right. Eventually I went with my gut and now I’m Dad (both children called me Dada for the longest time but more recently it’s been Dad) and my Latino partner is Papá.
- [I am a] genderfluid solo parent to a toddler. my gender expression depends on how i feel in the moment. when pregnant i dressed femininely as it was easier to exist like that as a pregnant person in public, so i got a lot of ‘mom’ comments. that gets tricky fast and i didn’t want to be presenting heavily masculine on a certain day and have to explain to teachers or doctors that yes, my kid calls me ‘mommy.’ i liked ren (taken from ‘parent’) well enough. baby still has trouble with ‘r’ sounds and hearing her call me ‘wen‘ is adorable so that’s a plus.
Names for Donors
“Donor” or first names are popular, but also:
- The sperm we used was anonymous, so the kids refer to him by the serial number or we refer to him as “R2D2” jokingly because it sounds similar to the serial number.
- I’m from a Cajun French so she calls her donor Parrian which means godfather.
- “The Sperm donor” (ID consent donor from a Sperm Bank)
- First name, or bio dad
- I’m still unsure what my child will call their sperm donor parent as i am unsure what relation i will have with the person or what connection they will want with the child.
- Uncle [donor’s name], he is not related to us in any way but all my close friends are referred to as baby’s aunts/uncles/auncles.
Names for Extended Family
- I now have a nonbinary child-in-law, as my son’s wife (still the term they prefer) came out as nonbinary a few years ago. I mostly refer to them as my son’s spouse or just his wife. It gets a little confusing when I talk about them to other people if I say wife and then use they/them pronouns – I usually get a strange look until I explain, so for me it seems easier to just say spouse and then quickly tell the person I’m speaking to that they are nonbinary, using they/them pronouns up front. Of course a lot of people are still clueless about agender or nonbinary pronouns.
My ongoing thanks to all of you who have already shared your information and stories! If you haven’t yet participated and would like to, just fill out the form below. Again, the results spreadsheet is here, so you can go look through the entire list of responses.
