Hot on the heels of Lesbian Visibility Day, today is Donor Conception Awareness Day, a time for raising awareness of all families, LGBTQ and not, who started via donor conception. Here are a few great new, LGBTQ-inclusive resources for both parents and kids—and a little about my own family story.
For Parents
Just out this week is Baby Making for Everybody: Family Building and Fertility for LGBTQ+ and Solo Parents, by Marea Goodman and Ray Rachlin (Balance), two queer “millennial midwives” with extensive experience in queer and nontraditional family building. The language throughout this highly informative book is inclusive of all family structures and genders, and I particularly appreciate the authors’ repeated acknowledgment that “Queer people and single people have always been parents” and that “we stand on the shoulders of our queer ancestors.”
The book goes into a fair amount of physiological and medical detail about how everything works, but assumes no prior knowledge. The authors also encourage prospective parents to get in touch with their hopes and intentions around parenting before proceeding. Throughout, everything is viewed through a queer lens, which means the inclusion of important but often overlooked topics such as supporting yourself as the nongestational parent after your partner/spouse has had a miscarriage; talking to our families of origin about our family-building choices; or looking at how systemic discrimination may play a part in how we interact with medical and/or social service systems.
The initial print edition of the book unfortunately contains a few errors with regard to securing one’s legal parentage, but I have been told these will be corrected in the digital version and future print editions. As always, you should consult an LGBTQ-competent lawyer in your state to double-check the legal information in any LGBTQ parenting book.
See my full review for more details about this volume.
There are a number of other good, fairly recent books that cover assisted reproduction for LGBTQ families. I also like:
- Queer Conception: The Complete Fertility Guide for Queer and Trans Parents-to-Be, by Kristin Liam Kali (Sasquatch Books), which similarly digs into the details of fertility and reproduction;
- We’re Here! A Guide to Becoming an LGBTQ+ Parent, by B.J. Woodstein (Praeclarus Press), aimed at both LGBTQ+ prospective parents and new parents, as well as professionals working with them (doctors, nurses, midwives, doulas, social workers, lactation consultants, etc.);
- LGBTQ Family Building: A Guide for Prospective Parents, by Abbie Goldberg, which covers assisted reproduction as well as adoption and draws heavily on important social science research about LGBTQ families (but also has an error in its legal information, as I explain at the link).
For Young Kids
A number of LGBTQ-inclusive picture books explain (with varying degrees of success) creating a family via assisted reproduction. Some of my favorites are:
- What Makes a Baby, by Cory Silverberg, illustrated by Fiona Smyth (Triangle Square), not about assisted reproduction per se, but providing a valuable baseline of all-gender-inclusive information on reproduction generally;
- Zak’s Safari: A Story about Donor-Conceived Kids of Two-Mom Families, by Christy Tyner, illustrated by Ciaee, in which a young boy explains his moms’ relationship, donor insemination, and what makes a family.
- You Began as a Wish, by Kim Bergman, illustrated by Irit Pollak (self), a simple explanation of assisted reproduction, inclusive of same-sex, transgender, and nonbinary parents;
- Maisie’s Blueprints: A Donor Conception Story for Two-Mom Families and
Hudson’s Blueprints: A Donor Conception Story for Two-Mom Families, by Sharon Leya, illustrated by Janne Maru (Orange Puffin Playgrounds). Leya also has versions for families that used embryo donation and dual egg and sperm donation. - Before You Were You, by David and Jonathan Shmidt Chapman, illustrated by Diane Nelson (Brandylane Publishers), in which two dads tell the story of starting their family by surrogacy.
For Older Kids
There are now several good, LGBTQ-inclusive middle-grade titles about bodies and puberty, which sometimes explain the basics of human reproduction. To the best of my knowledge, though, the brand-new Roads to Family: All the Ways We Come to Be, by Rachel HS Ginocchio (Twenty-First Century Books), is the first middle-grade book that delves deeply into the many ways of family creation and gives youth a detailed look at the ways they may have been created or might someday use to create their own families. It is mostly successful, although there is one dangerous error that give me pause, but that will be corrected in the upcoming paperback edition (August 2024).
Ginocchio covers the biological elements needed to create a baby; what is involved in insemination, in vitro fertilization (IVF), and surrogacy; the perspectives of donor-conceived people (including one with a trans parent); and foster care and adoption. She is inclusive of all genders and sexualities throughout and includes LGBTQ individuals in the many stories of actual families that are woven into the book. While she mentions that sex is one way that some people may have a baby, she does not position this as the only or standard way of doing so.
The one dangerous error is the assertion, “In the US, a birth certificate establishes parentage—who a child’s legal parents are.” No. As I have written numerous times (and checked with numerous LGBTQ legal experts), a birth certificate is not a court document and does not legally establish parentage. Lambda Legal explains, “Ultimately a birth certificate is only evidence of parentage; in and of itself it does not conclusively confer a legal parental status.” This is why nongenetic and nongestational parents in same-sex couples are advised to get a confirmatory, co-parent (second-parent), or stepparent adoption in order to secure their legal parentage. Being on our children’s birth certificates is not enough, as a recent Oklahoma case has shown. Ginnochio is not talking about same-sex couples when she writes the above sentence, but rather discussing how an adopted child’s original birth certificate is sealed, and a new one with their adoptive parents on it is issued. Nevertheless, her statement is an incorrect and dangerous assertion, especially given that kids with LGBTQ families and LGBTQ youth themselves (and their grown-ups) may be reading it.
That aside, this is an otherwise helpful and LGBTQ-inclusive book. It offers a combination of clear explanations without being patronizing, useful diagrams, and engaging profiles of real families. Middle-graders whose families were created via assisted reproduction (including surrogacy), foster care, or adoption, or youth who may feel that one of these paths might be theirs in the future, should find much value in it.
“Donor Conceived: A Guide for People Who Have LGBTQ+ Parents and Were Born via Donor Conception and/or Surrogacy” from COLAGE, the national organization for people with LGBTQ parents, is a revised version of the organization’s 2010 guide specifically for donor conceived people (DCP) with LGBTQ+ parents. That dual focus is important. As the new introduction notes, “Although we acknowledge there are many DCP born to straight parents, the experience of DCP with LGBTQ+ parents is unique and presents specific challenges and joys. We recognize that DCP with straight parents may not agree with or understand our perspectives on these issues—this guide is for us, by us.” This guide is essential reading for middle graders and up who were donor-conceived by LGBTQ parents, but also includes “Advice for Prospective and Current Parents” and for educators, who would gain much from reading it as well. See my longer piece for more about the Guide.
My Family Story
My spouse Helen and I created our own family via reciprocal in vitro fertilization (RIVF), using my egg and her womb, plus donor sperm. Here’s our story, which I wrote about for a previous Donor Conception Awareness Day. I’ll note that although we needed some outside help to form our family, for which we are forever grateful, we’ve never felt like anything but a family, bound by love. I wish you and your families joy and love in your own journeys.