New year, new endeavors! For some, this may mean taking the first steps towards parenthood—so I want to revisit some of the tips I found most useful as my spouse and I began our own journey.
This is not a guide on how to create a family (there are too many options to explore in a piece of this length), but rather some suggestions for what you may want to do first in order to start weighing those options.
Talk with each other. For anyone planning to parent with a spouse or partner(s), this is essential. My spouse and I talked over many months about whether we wanted to start a family, how we wanted to do so, and the type of relationship we wanted with the sperm donor and potential donor siblings. We also discussed how we wanted to raise our child. Would one of us stay home with them and for how long? What values did we want to convey and what experiences did we want them to have? How did we feel about toy guns, Barbies, screen time, allowances, and other topics? We didn’t always agree, but we tried to accept our differences. The point was not to plan out everything in advance (an impossible task)—but rather to confirm that we would be compatible and constructively complementary as parents. We also shared stories of our own childhoods, favorite children’s books, and family vacations, which I found invaluable for helping me reflect on how I wanted to raise my own child.
If you are considering using a known gamete donor or surrogate, you may want to start having initial conversations with them as well—but if you don’t have someone in mind yet, don’t sweat it. Having the above conversations may lead you to better determine who you want to ask.
Talk with confidantes. Both single and married/partnered prospective parents should reach out to trusted friends, neighbors, or relatives who can share their experiences as parents and offer constructive insight. Even if they’re not queer, they may have some insights because of other overlapping identities—or just because of the many universal aspects of parenting. These people may also form the core of a support network (for babysitting or simply emotional support) once you become a parent.
Reach out to other LGBTQ parents. It can be both informative and calming to socialize with other queer families. If you don’t know any, you can try to find a local and/or online LGBTQ parents’ group through Family Equality (which also hosts one-off online events for prospective parents). Also useful are the various online forums (such as Facebook groups) for LGBTQ parents and prospective parents, which can be found with keyword phrases like “queer parents” and “lgbtq parents” (or various subsets thereof).
Read. There are a growing number of books that delve into further details of LGBTQ family making and early parenthood. See my post on “Recent LGBTQ Parenting Books: Which Ones Are Right for You?” for some key ones to consider; visit my database for even more parenting guides and memoirs.
You may also find that some general-audience books on specific topics, such as single parenting, adoption, infertility, and multi-racial families, are relevant to your needs, even if not perfectly inclusive of LGBTQ families. Read widely, but don’t be afraid to set something aside if it doesn’t feel like a fit.
See a doctor. If you or a spouse/partner are considering a biological connection to your children, this should be an obvious move, if only to assess physical readiness. Your general practitioner may also be able to answer basic questions about fertility procedures and refer you to a specialist. Even if you will be a nongenetic and nongestational parent, however, it is useful to identify and address any potential health issues of your own before you start the marathon of parenting. Ask friends or members of LGBTQ parenting groups for names of local LGBTQ-friendly doctors, if you need one, or search for providers through the LGBTQ+ Healthcare Directory or HRC’s Healthcare Equality Index.
Consult an attorney. A family lawyer can answer legal questions you may have about donors, adoptions, and surrogacy under your state’s laws. For couples where one of you will bear the child, you may also want to get medical powers of attorney for each other before you start down the road to pregnancy. This will allow you to make medical decisions for each other in case one of you is incapacitated. Wills and advanced medical directives are likewise a good idea for any couple.
A lawyer trained in LGBTQ issues can also help you to secure your parentage so that all intended parents of your child have the fullest rights possible. Simply being married is not necessarily enough. Visit “LGBTQ Paths to Parentage Security,” a guide from GLAD and myself, to learn more. You can also search the LGBTQ Bar Association’s Family Law Attorney Director to find an attorney in your state. or tap into queer networks as above for recommendations. Many lawyers are happy to do free initial consultations. You can also seek lawyer recommendations and ask questions at:
- GLAD Answers Legal InfoLine
- Lambda Legal’s Help Desk
- NCLR Legal Information Hotline
- The Transgender Law Center
Review your finances. Parenting, particularly for many of us queer folks, brings with it a host of financial issues. Know the funds you have available and what medical and legal costs your employer(s) will cover, if any, both for creating your family and afterwards. Reassess your monthly budget (including health insurance) if one of you will be stopping outside employment. If you plan to use daycare, determine how much that will add to your expenses—and see if your employer offers a pre-tax daycare spending account.
Enjoy the journey. These tips may raise as many questions as answers, but I think every stage of parenting is like that. Keep notes, make lists, laugh at the many absurdities, and enjoy the exploration. Remember, too, that despite all the advice and opinions, you must ultimately choose the answers that feel right for you. Best wishes to all who are beginning the adventure this year.
(This is an updated version of a piece originally published as my Mombian newspaper column.)
