In honor of Lesbian Visibility Day, here are some inspiring quotes from lesbian parenting books published in the 1980s through early 2000s. While these books are in many ways outdated, they still convey something of the spirit and long history of lesbian parenthood, and are reminders of those on whose shoulders we stand.
These are certainly not the only books that existed, just a sampling—and there were also plenty of homemade guides about options for family building that were created by and shared among the lesbian (and broader queer) communities even before these books came out. The grassroots nature of early queer family building is an important part of our history, too, although less accessible without visiting distant archives.
The books below have largely been superseded by a new crop of books about starting and raising families as LGBTQ parents, which are more up-to-date on medical, legal, and social matters, and more inclusive of nonbinary and trans parents—but as you can see from the quotes, the desire to build our families and raise our children well has long existed, and there is still inspiration to be found in these earlier works.
Considering Parenthood: A Workbook for Lesbians, by Cheri Pies (Spinsters Ink; 1985, 1988). This book helped innumerable queer women become parents during the “gayby boom” of the 1980s. It evolved from two influences: Pies’ work in the 1970s as a health educator for Planned Parenthood, where she was running workshops for straight women contemplating motherhood, and her own experience becoming an adoptive parent in 1978 with her then-partner. With little guidance, and few other lesbian parents to turn to for support, Pies realized that she and other lesbians considering motherhood could benefit from group workshops, too, she explained in the book’s introduction. She held the first one in her living room in the fall of 1978 and 25 women attended, attracted by fliers put up in the nearby women’s bookstore and other local congregation points for queer women. (Read more in my obituary of Pies from last year.)
As a lesbian considering whether to be a parent, you are not alone. You are part of a movement of women which continues to grow, supporting the right of any woman to choose whether she wants to be a parent…. Although we may face financial, social, cultural, and racial barriers, as lesbians we do have the reproductive right to have children or not have children, the know-how to conceive, and the legal right to adopt children who need good homes.
The Lesbian Parenting Book, by D. Merilee Clunis and G. Dorsey Green (Seal Press; 1995; 2003) is a classic by two lesbian therapists and parents, with a wide scope from family creation to raising kids.
Lesbian families are everywhere. We live in cities, towns, suburbs and the country. We attend Little League games, religious services and parent-teacher conferences. We change dirty diapers, comfort our children when they have an “owie,” ride out the storms of adolescence and beam with pride at graduations.
And we have always done so. Yet, because of homophobia and the very real threat of losing custody of our children, lesbian families have been invisible—until recently….
While we don’t claim that lesbians do a better job of parenting than anyone else, we do think that our families have particular strengths because they are lesbian families.
The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians, by Rachel Pepper (Cleis Press, 1999, 2005), was the first book for lesbians that focused on conception and pregnancy. Even the second edition is dated now, but this was an essential book for a generation of lesbian parents (including my spouse and I).
There is no reason why, with a bit of forethought and a lot of planning, any lesbian cannot realize her dream of becoming pregnant or having a family through adoption, surrogacy, or foster parenting…. Sure, there will be tough moments, but nothing that you, a lesbian who so badly wanted a baby, can’t handle.
For Lesbian Parents: Your Guide to Helping Your Family Grow Up Happy, Healthy, and Proud, by Elizabeth O’Connor and Suzanne M. Johnson (The Guilford Press, 2001), was by two developmental psychologists who were also co-parenting two children. Its focus was less on starting a family and more on raising one.
Your child is, in many ways, very lucky to have a lesbian mother. Children of lesbian mothers will have a different set of experiences, values, and expectations than most other children. Your child will grow up knowing that women can do anything; that there are many kinds of people in the world; that being different is okay; that love is the most important thing there is. Your child will have, as a mother, someone who is true to herself, regardless of what others think. Your child will see you demand respect from others. You can, and should, be proud of what you are doing, and the lessons you are teaching your child.
The [New] Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth, by Stephanie Brill (Alyson Books, 2002, 2006), the co-founder of Maia Midwifery and a queer parent herself, was originally published without the “New” in the title, but later updated.
Because lesbian and bisexual women must reach beyond mainstream models and definitions of family, we have the opportunity to create profoundly new models of family…. Children and parents alike are well served by a woman’s ability to choose the number of parents in a family as well as how the roles of parenting, home keeping, and income earning will be divided…. The multitude of ways in which queer people are building families speaks to how unique each of us is. Along with our diversity, we are fundamentally united in knowing that, ultimately, love is indeed what makes a family.
Want more? See my earlier post on Some Highlights of Lesbian Mom History.
