Happy Trans Parent Day to all transgender parents! May it be a time of joy and love. In honor of the occasion, here are some recent readings and a movie that showcase just a few of the many lives of trans parents.
Frighten the Horses, by Oliver Radclyffe (Roxane Gay Books), is the memoir of a trans man who came out at age 40 after marrying a man and having four kids. Radclyffe shows how being our true selves helps our children be theirs, and affirms that queer joy is possible, even when it comes late. Here’s my full review.
Radclyffe’s essay in the LA Times, “I’m a trans parent. Here’s what I tell adults who worry when kids are gender-nonconforming,” is worth a read, too, for its exploration of the fluctuating nature of gender and how shifting the terms we use can help us reframe our perspectives.
Our Dad, Danielle is a documentary about trans woman Danielle “DJ” Healey, a renowned patent attorney in Texas, who also transitioned late in life, after marrying and having two children. It follows her and her family as they navigate this transition and Danielle applies her legal skills to helping other trans and queer people. This is the story of one woman and her family, but it is also the story of a community of people helping each other to be themselves and feel safe and loved, even in a location where one might not expect such support and joy. It is not every trans woman’s story (no single story could be), but it is an important one, told with compassion, insight, and moments of gentle humor.
The film won the Best Documentary Feature Jury Award at the Manchester International Film Festival, the LGBTQ+ Voices Jury Award & Audience Award at the Portland Film Festival, and the Audience Award at the Vail Film Festival. Watch it now on demand through almost all major platforms. Here’s my full review.
In Special Topics in Being a Parent: A Queer and Tender Guide to Things I’ve Learned About Parenting, Mostly the Hard Way (Arsenal Pulp), author, activist, and educator S. Bear Bergman offers his advice on everything from whether one is ready to have a child, to dealing with children’s strong opinions about food, to helping kids grow up with a sense of social justice, and much more. The content is informed by Bergman’s own identity as a married, White, Jewish, trans dad, but incorporates insights from others with different identities, and recognizes that each person’s identities may position them differently with respect to the topics addressed and the solutions that work for them.
The book isn’t just about caring for our children, though: it’s also about caring for and being forgiving to ourselves so that we can best accomplish the former. The illustrated nature of the book, and Bergman’s skill as a writer and storyteller, make it highly readable even as it packs a powerful impact. It will be a rare person of any identity who doesn’t gain something useful from the wise, judgment-free, gently humorous, and delightfully illustrated volume.
In “Notes on Trans Motherhood,” at Medium, Kasia A Sosnowski writes, “I may stand out from other mothers due to my transness but I don’t feel like an exceptional mother. I’m just a mom trying to do her absolute best to take care of my kids and my partner and occasionally myself, often failing at one or all of those things, and always thinking I could probably be doing just a little bit better.”
She also observes, “Stories of happy transmasculine pregnancy and family-making have been increasingly visible, albeit often sensationalized and mishandled in the media. But I’m still searching for stories of transfeminine parenthood that progress past the stage of trans maternal longing or resolve with something other than family breakdown and alienation.” She hypothesizes, “One theory as to why we don’t hear from a lot of trans mothers is that we’re too busy being mothers to enter into the public discourse.” Extra thanks to her, then, for taking the time to share her thoughts with the public. Her piece is well worth reading in full.
In “How to Get Through the School Year as a Trans Parent,” at HuffPo, Lara Americo offers both practical tips and wisdom like, “Any child with a transgender parent is lucky. Their childhood is a gift that most children will never experience. They get to live with a person whose experience encompasses a life without boundaries.”
I recognize that all of the above resources are about White trans parents. Recent articles about trans parents of color are scarce, but you may wish to look back at the 2023 piece, “I’m a transgender dad. Here’s what people get wrong about me,” by Kayden Coleman at Today, and the 2020 HuffPo piece “What Fatherhood Means To A Trans Dad Raising Black Sons,” by Al Donato, interviewing Avi Magidsohn.
If you’re looking for additional books by and about trans parents, for either kids or adults, please visit my Database of LGBTQ Family Books, where you can filter by transgender women/parent, transgender men/parent, and transgender nonbinary adult/parent (and further by target age range and more).
