With Father’s Day coming up this weekend, it’s appropriate that this week’s Family Voices interview is with gay dad Jeff, who lives in New York City with his partner John and their son Marcus. He talks of adopting from Cambodia, being active in his son’s school, incorporating multiple religious traditions into their lives, and more. As with lesbian moms Erin and Samantha, whose interview appeared here last week, they are members of the Family Pride Coalition’s OUTSpoken Families program, and committed to speaking with their local communities and media (and the occasional blog!) about their lives and the need for LGBT equality.
1. Tell us a little about your family. Who is in your immediate family? Anything particular you’d like to share about yourselves?
Family consists of John, my partner of 36 years, myself and Marcus, our son seven years old. I’ve wanted to be a Dad for many years; my partner, not so keen. At 50 after many years devoted to career in theatre, it was NOW or never and he agreed. Best decision we ever made. We are all in love. And we three got married together in Toronto.
2. How did you create your family? What advice would you give to other couples taking this route? Any resources you found particularly helpful?
In 2001 adopting from Cambodia was a direct and expedient path. Now international adoption is much more complicated for same sex couples as well as straight. We tried other countries and domestic agency first. Seemed like it would take forever. Domestic agency in Orange County, CA, built a website for me that was a total fabrication of who I was after sending them $7,500 (non-refundable). Walked away from that quickly. Good resource was to attend same sex family building weekend in upstate NY and other forums to hear overview of possibilities and advice from medical, adoption, legal experts and other parents.
3. What has been the most challenging thing you’ve faced as a parent? How did you handle it?
Among the challenging things: Discovering that the one year my very healthy son was in an orphanage had some effects that are appearing later in his development. At two years we started play and occupational therapies to address the deficiencies of the first year. Under the broad umbrella of “attachments” he has some aloof behavior that we are working on. On a daily basis, we are aware of his need to control because he had caregivers who were not in control that first year. He could not count on anyone but himself. In spite of this, he is a great kid.
4. How has your child dealt with having two dads? Has s/he experienced any negative reactions at school or elsewhere? Any particularly positive ones? What was your response?
Nothing negative. His first grade project drawing his family tree—included pictures of 1 Mom and 3 dads. He considers his Mom in Cambodia as a real entity which he plans to visit “someday”. When it comes up with his friends he has no problem explaining his four parents—Mom and dad in Cambodia and 2 dads in NYC. One school parent recently told us her seven-year-old son and his best buddy were in the back seat of her car and overheard them say—”someday we can get married like Marcus’ dads.”
5. Dustin said you are raising your child as Buddhist/Jewish. Would you tell us how you came to this decision, and why it is important to you that religion is part of your child’s life?
We are secular Jews, celebrating the culture and some traditions. I am much more spiritual than my Jewish heritage and have real interest and belief in higher powers. In an attempt to bring some of this to Marcus we have attended Sidha yoga meditations and talk about the role of God in our lives. He was born Buddhist and we are keeping the lines open for his discoveries in this area.
6. Why did you choose to be part of Family Pride’s OUTSpoken program?
Because most people do not know anything about two-dad families and it’s important to share this. Education is the only way others will see that our family is just like theirs. (Maybe better.) We stress family value at home and look for ways to raise Marcus as a responsible, global citizen.
7. Dustin said you are active in your child’s school. In what capacity, and why?
Serve on committees, prepare food for school dinners, took on major project of making a heirloom quality quilt for the auction. Reading to the kids, becoming friends with faculty. I too am looking for conenction with other parents. Playdates are very important. Takes a village….
8. How else, if at all, are you involved in your community or in LGBT activism/politics?
Member of Family Pride and participate in Gay and Lesbian Center Kids events. I am looking to connect with local gay dads/mom for playdates and common interests. Very few have come responded to my email posts and local outreach. Surprisingly, there has been no response from my elementary school parent body email solicitation. 500 kids in west side public school.
9. What’s your favorite: a) family activity; b) children’s book?
We love getting out of the city, and visiting friends with kids in the country. Evening cuddled with popcorn and a movie…at home or at theatre. I love books with morals and lessons.
Recently discovered Pinky and Rex series. Books that stimulate conversation and reflect good behavior.
10. If you had a parenting motto, what would it be and why?
We have a few:
Food tastes better when it’s shared.
People are more important than things.
Parenting is an art form. Be creative.
Pick your battles.
Have lots of fun together.
