I’ll Say It Again: Lesbian and Gay Parents Are Not Better, Just Different

Here we go again. More than two years ago, I wrote about a flurry of media coverage in the wake of the publication of Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children: Research on the Family Life Cycle, by Dr. Abbie Goldberg of Clark University. In the book, Goldberg discusses a number of strengths that lesbian and gay parents tend to exhibit, as shown in her work and that of other researchers. But both mainstream and LGBT media covered it with headlines like “Are Gay Parents Better Than Straight?”

Now, an article from LiveScience (also published at HuffPo) asks again, “Gay Parents Better Than Straight Parents? What Research Says,” also citing Goldberg, among others. But as Goldberg clarified for me in an e-mail back in 2009: 

It is interesting that the media has suggested that the “take-home message” of my book is that gay parents are “better.” In fact, I would not make such a generalized statement—just as I would never say that heterosexual parents are ‘better’ (and nor should anyone else, in my opinion). Rather, the take-home message is that sexual orientation per se does not have much to do with one’s ability to parent, and the similarities between lesbian/gay and heterosexual parents outweigh the differences. Yes, there are some differences, and some could be interpreted as favoring same-sex couples ON AVERAGE—but it is important to emphasize that many of the characteristics that make (some) same-sex parents “special” (e.g., encouraging flexibility with regards to gender roles; engaging in a great deal of thoughtful preparation before becoming parents) also occur in some heterosexual parents.

The fact is, the LiveScience article, by Stephanie Pappas, is not as provocative as the headline. She writes, “in some ways, gay parents may bring talents to the table that straight parents don’t,” and quotes Goldberg as saying gay parents “tend to be more motivated, more committed than heterosexual parents on average, because they chose to be parents.” And because gay men and lesbians are unlikely to become parents by accident, Pappas quotes Goldberg, “That translates to greater commitment on average and more involvement.”

But let’s face it, commitment and involvement don’t always translate to “better,” and neither Goldberg nor Pappas says it does. In fact, sometimes being too involved may blur into being overprotective and smothering.  (I’m not saying that necessarily happens with gay and lesbian parents, just that it could happen to any parent who isn’t careful.)

There is also research, Pappas says, that while children of gay and lesbian parents “show few differences in achievement, mental health, social functioning and other measures,” they “may have the advantage of open-mindedness, tolerance and role models for equitable relationships. . . . [and] gays and lesbians are likely to provide homes for difficult-to-place children in the foster system.”

But Pappas tempers this by noting, “Of course, this isn’t to say that heterosexual parents can’t bring these same qualities to the parenting table.”

So why the edgy headline? Well, headlines drive traffic. Pappas may not even have written the headline herself, since editors often handle that task. But as a journalist, I want to caution other journalists and editors to restrain themselves from being edgy in this way. As I said two years ago, no one has proven lesbian and gay parents are better, so let’s not imply that we are. At best, we can say that there are certain areas in which, on average (but not exclusively), we tend to have strengths. While it very much behooves us to repeat—loudly—the findings that show our parenting is no worse than that of any other parents, and is in many ways very similar, there are three very good reasons not to overstate matters. (I’m adding one to my original list.)

Number one, LGBT-equality supporters often, and with good cause, bash the right for their sketchy science about LGBT families, or the sketchy conclusions they draw from good science. We need our science and our conclusions to be rock solid. Research shows that children  of lesbian and gay parents turn out to be just as well-adjusted, on the whole, as children of straight parents. (There has been less research on children of bisexual and transgender parents, but the little there is indicates the same.)

Number two, it is a waste of time to ponder the question, “Who makes better parents, LGBT or non-LGBT people”? It sets us up as competitors rather than as fellow travelers on this grand journey of parenting.

Number three, as several commenters on my original post noted, feeling like we have to be the best in order to reflect the LGBT community in the best light puts pressure not only on us as parents but also on our children. That’s not good for us or them.

A better question than “Who is better?” might be, “Where are the strengths of different groups of parents, and what can we learn from each other?” That question, unlike the first, has the potential to benefit our children—and that’s really what it’s all about.