My partner and I have always agreed not to allow toy guns (or real ones, for that matter) into our home. I’m not even sure our three-year-old knows what they are. An incident today, however, highlighted the hurdles we’re up against in raising a boy who will not glorify guns and violence.
We were taking a hike in a nearby state park. Our son was holding two short sticks, as he often does when out in the woods. He simply seems to enjoy collecting and carrying them—I suppose because they’re easily portable and rather interesting to the touch. Sometimes he uses them to drum on tree stumps. Today, he was grasping both sticks in one hand, while he held my hand with the other. A woman passed us on the trail, smiled at him, and said, “I see you have both a gun and a sword. You’re well armed.” Now, our son wasn’t doing anything with the sticks that would have implied guns or swords. No waving or aiming.
My partner, thinking fast, said, “No, they’re just sticks.” The woman replied, “Oh, I have a seven-year-old boy. Just wait a few years.” We went on our way.
Is it true? Will he develop a penchant for guns and swords just because he’s a boy? Or is it a self-perpetuating behavior, when we tell any boy with a stick that it must be a gun or sword, and that it’s somehow commendable to be “well armed”?
I’m not a total pacifist. I have a black belt in taekwondo, and I was a competitive fencer for many years. You want to know how to use a sword? I’ll show you. I shudder, however, at the idea of encouraging such things for children too young to distinguish self defense and sport from inappropriate and harmful behavior.
Someday, our son will learn about guns, and swords, and the side of human nature that makes such things part of our world. In the meantime, a stick is just a stick. And that’s enough.
We feel the same way about guns and other violent objects. We’ve decided to be careful about not only the toys, but the films as well…this means Toy Story and such is out. My nephew is not allowed to have violent toys and it’s amazing to see the number of people who “forget” and buy him guns and holsters and such for his birthdays!
We had a similar plan – no guns or weapons at home.
One day we were in the park with Thomas and a small friend and they had sticks and were leaning on a fence. A woman came up and said what have you got there boys and thomas said ‘a saw'(he was three and obsessed with tools and fixing) and she said ‘a sword how fabulous you will save the day’
I have stood firm against the play guns in the house (he is now 7) but I have to say that my resolve was weakend somewhat by a couple of things – 1 almost everything comes with swords or guns. Lego (a complete favourite in our house) has little Police men in the boat or car sets with guns in them they are almost impossible to avoid.
Secondly, and mainly, it was a conversation with Thomas at about 4 when he said ‘You know Mum, these are only toy swords and guns, they aren’t real. I know you don’t like guns and swords cause they hurt people. I don’t like them too – these are pretend.’
He was also taught at pre-school and school not to even pretend to hurt ‘real people’ so instead there are ‘pretend baddies’ who he fights – these days mainly with lego after spending hours building a city or a boat or a tower. There are disasters and end of the world events and there are good guys (usually the person called Thomas in the game!) and bad guys (called things like evil dragon). Usually I notice that ‘Thomas’ is stopping people from hurting each other or saying nasty things.
In the end I have sought have just gone with it. Talking lots about about kindness, respect and care of others who might not be as strong or resliant as another person.
It is a long journey between three and seven!
Our wee one’s (a) just under 2, and (b) a girl, so I can’t offer any insight. Just strong support for those of you trying. My mom insisted my sister and I never play with guns, or even pretend to shoot each other with our fingers. I, as a tomboy, was certainly interested (always wanted the classic “cowboy” holster & plastic pearl-handled shooter, like all the other boys). But the significance and adamance of her ban has stayed with me my whole life (she was hugely affected by the loss of so many in her generation during WW II).
My sister has thrown her hands up and long since stopped trying to limit guns/violence infiltration of her own sons, but I consider that a significant loss for them as much as for her. I have to believe that those of us who are staunch pacifistscan hold fast to those beliefs in the home, all the more critically so if our kids are of the sex that is going to be bombarded with the propaganda that they are innately antipacifist or attracted to violence. My brother-in-law will quickly say that the strongest lesson he ever got from his father comes from his prison sentence as a Quaker conscientious objector during the Vietnam War.
Again, I don’t know this path as a parent, but as an auntie–admittedly a very different story–I have been a hardliner. Not even play guns or knives in or around the house, no pretend pointing and going “Bang bang.” My nephew reads my face more closely than he does for any other response, when he “tests” my beliefs on this, and I have to believe it matters that he keeps hearing the same adamance I heard from my mom. I’ll know in another 15-20 years.