Iron Chef Mommy

I was watching Iron Chef America the other night. Chef (and out lesbian mom) Cat Cora was cooking a dozen different things with ostrich, the episode’s “secret ingredient.” I have to admit, I love Iron Chef. The exaggerated, sports-style commentary, the kitsch . . . it’s entertainment at its best, with a few real cooking tips hidden under the sizzle.

I got to thinking, though: Cooking with a small child in the room presents its own set of challenges. What if Iron Chef commentator Alton Brown and floor reporter Kevin Brauch provided color commentary for my meal preparation the same way they do in Kitchen Stadium on the show? I imagine it would sound something like this:

Alton Brown: Here we are in the Rudolph household, getting ready for tonight’s supper. Kevin, what’s on the menu today?

Kevin Brauch: Well, Alton, Dana went grocery shopping today and came back with chicken breasts, tofu, green beans, broccoli, bananas, milk, and a bag of egg noodles. No word yet on what she’ll make with these items, or if she’ll use all of them for supper tonight.

AB: Thanks, Kevin. That’s all part of the suspense here at Kitchen Rudolph. Dana is now taking out a large sauté pan and pouring in some olive oil. What’s that noise in the background?

KB: Dana left the cabinet door open, Alton, and her son is now banging two pot lids together. Dana seems unphased, however, and has taken the chicken out of the refrigerator. She’s going to the sink to rinse the beans and chicken . . . and now she’s trimming the fat from some of the breasts.

AB: Nice to see she’s health conscious.

KB: Wait, Alton. We have a development here. Dana’s son has dropped a pot on his foot and is now crying. She’s turning to help him . . . no, she’s turning back to the sink to wash her hands.

AB: Oh, what a dilemma for Dana today! She wants to help her son, but knows that raw chicken can carry salmonella. She saw that her son wasn’t seriously hurt, though, so she’s going for the safe route of washing her hands first.

KB: And you know, it’s important to wash for 15 to 20 seconds. This is one step she can’t rush. But her son’s cries are heartwrenching.

AB: Looks like she’s done now, and is calming down her son. A close call here today in the Rudolph household.

KB: Dana has given her son a plastic serving spoon and he seems happy now. He’s pretending to cook, stirring the spoon around an empty pot.

AB: Dana is dashing back to the counter to put the chicken on the stove. She washes her hands again, and now turns to trim the green beans. But oh! Her son has come up behind her and is banging her legs with the spoon. Not a pleasant sensation, I imagine. Now she’s lifted him up and is sitting him at the table. She goes back to fetch the bowl of trimmed beans. What is she up to, Kevin?

KB: She’s putting the bowl in front of her son, and telling him to snap the beans into smaller pieces.

AB: A very clever solution for our cooking mom today. Enlisting her child to help in food preparation. Now, the beans won’t be as evenly sized as if they had been cut, of course, but for a family dinner, that shouldn’t matter. It even adds a nice rustic feel to the meal. Now Dana seems to be searching in her cabinets for something . . . she’s turning around . . . ah ha. She’s picking up the pot her son was using, and is filling it with water. It joins the sauté pan on the stove. I assume this is for the noodles. Normally, I’d say it’s a little late to get a full pot of water boiling for pasta, but we’ll see how it all ends up for Dana and her family right after the break. . . .