Starting the Journey

(Originally published with slight modification in Bay Windows, May 3, 2007.)

Prospective LGBT parents often ask me “Where do I start?” Because there is no established tradition for how we create our families, it is easy to feel like a stranger navigating Boston without a map. While no two people follow the exact same path to parenthood, here are some suggestions for how to begin the adventure.

Talk with each other. For those parenting in a couple, it’s not enough to know you both want kids. Use the resources below to research the legal, medical, and emotional aspects of the ways you could create your family—bearing your children, adoption, or surrogacy—and discuss the pros and cons for each of you. What kind of relationship, if any, do you want with biological parents (if you adopt), sperm or egg donors, or surrogates?

Make sure to go beyond family creation and talk about how you want to raise your children. Will one of you stay home with them, and for how long? What are the values you want to convey? What experiences do you want them to have? How do you feel about toy guns, Barbies, children’s television, allowances, and other controversial topics? You don’t always have to agree, but you have to be willing to accept the differences. My partner and I also found it invaluable to tell stories of our own childhoods that even after ten years together we had not yet shared. Talking about our favorite children’s books and family vacations led to a deeper understanding of how we wanted to raise our own child.

Talk with your confidantes. Many of us have a small circle of friends, relatives, and mentors whom we rely on to advise us on important life issues. Career coaches often talk about creating a “personal board of directors,” but the concept applies to other areas of life as well. Go past the casual acquaintances who simply tell you, “Oh, you’d be a great parent.” Who will give you no-holds-barred advice on what it’s like to be a parent or what they think of your strengths and weaknesses as a prospective one?

Reach out to other LGBT parents. Find a local LGBT parenting group through the Family Pride Coalition’s Web site or Meetup.com. (Start at pridefamilies.meetup.com.) Most are willing to include prospective parents in their activities, and you can ask members to share stories and advice. You may also want to try various online forums for LGBT parents. (See the list in the Community section of my own Mombian Resource Directory.)

Read. I won’t recommend specific books here, because the list would either be overgeneralized or too long to fit this column. Different people will find different books helpful. Some may want ones specific to LGBT parenting, or on the separate gay, lesbian, bi, and trans components. Others may find general-audience books on specific topics, such as adoption or infertility, more relevant to their needs. Browse your local library or borrow from friends, search under both “parenting” and “gay parenting” at your favorite online bookstore, and find what works for you.

See a doctor. If you are considering a biological connection to your children, this should be an obvious move. Ask friends and members of local LGBT parenting groups for names of LGBT-friendly doctors if you need them. Your primary healthcare provider should also be able to recommend OB/GYNs and fertility specialists, as required, who can in turn recommend sperm banks or surrogacy services. Even if you will be a non-bio parent, however, it is useful to identify any potential health issues before you start the marathon that is parenting.

Consult an attorney. For partnered lesbians who plan to bear children, make sure you have medical powers of attorney before you even start thinking about adoption decrees or parentage orders. If something should happen to you or your partner while pregnant or undergoing fertility treatments, this will allow you to make medical decisions for each other. (All LGBT couples should consider this, in fact.) Wills are likewise a good idea.

A lawyer trained in LGBT issues can help you navigate the specific laws that apply in your state, and help you both have the fullest parental rights possible. Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders (GLAD) maintains a referral service to lawyers in New England. Lambda Legal and the National Center for Lesbian Rights (NCLR) also have legal hotlines to point you in the right direction.

Even if you live in a state like Massachusetts, where both the bio and non-bio mom’s names can go on the birth certificate without a second-parent adoption, NCLR recommends that you still obtain a second-parent adoption or court order of parentage to avoid problems when traveling out of state or dealing with the federal government. You should discuss this with your own attorney.

Review your finances. Parenting brings with it a host of financial questions. Know what you have and what medical and legal costs your employer(s) will cover. If you plan to use daycare, determine how much it will add to your monthly budget. If you have investments, ask yourself whether your risk tolerance is changing as you approach parenthood.

This is only a start. It may raise as many questions as answers, but I think every stage of parenting is like that. As you proceed, keep in mind that despite all the advice and opinions, you must choose the route that feels right for you.