Blogging for LGBT Families Day: From the Children, Now Grown

One of the great joys for me in this year’s Blogging for LGBT Families Day was that there was an increase in the number of posts by those who grew up in LGBT families. Many thanks to COLAGE for helping to spread the word about the event among their members. In my experience, LGBT parents and the teen and grown children of LGBT families inhabit mostly separate areas of the blogosphere (though for a happy exception, see the mother-daughter team blog of Joan Garry and Scout Opatut, Who’s the Grown Up?). I’m glad we could come together for this event, however, and each get a glimpse of the other side. Here are a few posts from children of LGBT families that caught my eye:

Abigail Garner at Damn Straight shared the video of her keynote address at the Rainbow Families Conference in April. She also extracted her four main points, which I’ve further summarized:

1) Don’t refer to people of LGBT parents as “allies.” You can’t very well be an “ally” to something you are already part of…and to suggest otherwise is alienating and insulting.

2) Encourage and increase the visibility of second generation people.

3) Lighten up on the interrogation and rankings. Any queerspawn entering queer space gets peppered with questions as if to determine how much “cred” they have or how deserving they are be involved with the LGBT community.

4) Treat adult queerspawn as adults, rather than as perpetual adolescents.

Worth reading her advice in full.

Several bloggers wrote of coming out about having LGBT parents, or of the first moment of realizing one’s family is “different.” Miranda at DeviantART said:

Even when I was younger I knew I was being lied to, so as I became a teenager I decided for myself that my dad was gay, and that it was time for me to come out of the closet about it. Coming out as someone with gay parents meant finally being able to talk about it openly and honestly with anyone who seemed interested. It also meant that if someone wanted to talk shit about gay people, I had something powerful and unique to counteract it with. When my dad finally became open and honest with me about his sexuality, things were absolutely fabulous for me as queerspawn.

Sarah left a comment at Mombian:

Knowing full well that my parents would not always be there, I decided that it was my turn to come out about my family. This proves difficult at times. Every time I come out for my family, I put my dads and myself on the line. I know who I am. I know who my family is, and I have nothing to fear; nonetheless, I do not know how others will receive me. Although living in San Francisco has blessed me with a diverse and accepting community, I know that the world at large may not be as welcoming.

I do not plan on saving the world one homophobe at a time. I do, however, try to teach others about my family. I want people to know that we are just like any other family in the sense that we support, care for, and love each other. Being raised by two gay men has taught me more than not to wear white after Labor Day. . . . I have learned to be more open-minded and accepting of others’ differences. I have learned that people have the capacity to be respectful of differences that include sexual orientation. . . . I have become an advocate for COLAGE (Children Of Lesbian And Gays Everywhere.)

Princess Jessie writes of an early moment of realization:

My family is myself, my two lesbian moms, my dad, his partner, and our two dogs and my five fish. That’s how it’s always been, plus or minus a couple dogs, cats and fish. It’s how I’ve grown up and what I thought was normal, until I went into preschool. We were talking about families at circle time and I, unashamed, said I had two moms. I remember there were questions upon questions from the other kids and the day ended in with all my classmates going home in tears, sad and mad at their parents because they only had one mom to make them cookies and to take them to the park because in the eyes of a preschooler a mom can do no wrong that won’t be immediately forgiven and forgotten.

That day I went home and asked my no longer “normal” moms why they had to be different from everyone else’s parents. Though they had told me about all sorts of different families for as long as I could remember it had never clicked that mine might be one other people would view as strange. That day I really learned that I am different and I will always be different because of who my parents are. Ever since then I have fought for the rights of my parents and for rights for myself as their child. I’ve been a hard working activist for gay rights since that day.

Moniwu writes of her dad’s transition:

It took me a little while to come to terms with my dad’s transition. I pondered the meaning of having a woman for a father. Ironically, I was exiting my adolescence as my dad was entering a second adolescence, as she learned to become the woman she is today. In my young adulthood, it occurred to me just how strong and brave my dad must be to undergo such a drastic life change in middle age. She also taught me the valuable lesson that no matter how open-minded I claim to be, there is always more to learn.

Noah at Politics for Teens used Blogging for LGBT Families Day to come out about his parents: “I made this blog post to tell my friends, and you know who you are, that I have gay parents. I hope that you will continue to be my friend.”

Scout Spinoza speaks with pride of being second-generation queerspawn:

I’m second generation queerspawn. My grandfather (paternal, lol) and his partner adopted my daddy, and then my daddy and papa had me with the help of my mother (RIP). I think I’ve had more problems because I’m disabled rather than from my parents being gay.

I’m incredibly proud of my heritage, and I think all kids raised like me should be as well.

Others, like PsychoLaurie, built on the theme of finding a community of children from LGBT families:

It was the best high of my entire life.

I was at a huge party in San Francisco and I was in a teary-eyed gaze. I couldn’t help but to be dumbfounded by the vision of the most Utopian experience. Awash in a sea of bright rainbow colors and bouncy music, there was so much love that the walls of the building could barely constrain the feeling.

The love came from families that were celebrating the fact that, in this place, they were free from judgment and condemnation. You see, I was at a party celebrating LGBT families during the grand opening of The San Francisco LGBT Center. For some of the families, it was a gathering of old friends and play mates. For others, it was the first time they had ventured out in public. For me, it was the ultimate vision of what I want my world to look like.

Fairymere also writes of queerspawn community, and marks an anniversary of involvement:

In exactly 18 days, I will be celebrating an anniversary. To the day it will have been 9 years that I have lived in the San Francisco Bay Area. But more specifically, on June 18th, 1998 I first became involved with COLAGE. . . .

And now, 9 years later, I reflect on the fact that this community has been empowering, enriching, challenging and supportive of me in ways that my post-college brain could in no way even fathom. Connecting with other youth and adults who have or had one or more lesbian, gay, bisexual, and/or transgender parent/s is so much more than my job. It’s a place where I come for friendship, humor, politicization, and activism. I find myself in awe of and inspired by my fellow queerspawn on a daily basis.

I honestly believe that there is something about the experience of having an LGBT parent that creates truly incredible youth and adults. Maybe it’s magic. Or maybe there truly is something in the water. There is no other way to explain the collective fabulousness of the people with whom I have worked, struggled and grown through COLAGE.

Tobi at No Designation talks of her own coming out as trans, her lesbian moms, and the need for community within community:

When people find out that I have lesbian moms, the usual reaction is something along the lines of “Wow, that must be so wonderful. I bet you didn’t have any problems coming out.”

Growing up with lesbian moms, both queer community and dealing with heterosexism and homophobia have always been a part of my life. Being ‘different’ was par for the course. And with support from my queer family and queer community, things were always good. But when I started to think about my gender and when I began to come out to myself as trans, I had to wonder if that ‘difference’ would be understood by my parents and my parents’ friends who I had always gotten my support from.
. . . .
Even now, another year and a half later, being trans in queer communities still leaves me feeling somewhat like an outsider. I still go to all the queer activist events in town, but a good half the time I’m the only transperson there. I’ve got my trans community, but in my non-trans queer community there’s still a pervasive ignorance of trans issues. Even in queerspawn spaces, there’s a distinct lack of trans community.

When I got involved with COLAGE, I began to find a few people with similar experiences. I connected with another trans queerspawn. I had long in depth conversations with a queer transpawn. Between the two identity placements I found a commonality. At least with the few I talked with, there was a strong desire for trans community within queerspawn community. And a difficult time finding it. But as we told each other our stories I couldn’t help but get the sense that that was going to change. A few dedicated community builders can make a monumental difference.

Along with the need for communities of queerspawn is the need for inclusion within the greater LGBT community, as Turtleheart Cove reminds us:

I have recently acquired a brand spanking new, bumpersticker free bumper on my Forester as the result of a minor fender-bender, so I’ve been looking for some statements to put on all that free space. . . . I can’t seem to find an LGBT sticker that fits me as an LGBT child and friend.

Searching at PFLAG (that’s Parents, Families/Friends of Lesbians and Gays— but how about us ADULT CHILDREN of lesbians and gays?) there is merchandise that says “I’m a PFLAG fan” or “I’m a PFLAG Mom/Dad” but I don’t see any “I’m a PFLAG daughter/son/child.” Elsewhere under kids & family I can find, “I love my gay son” or “I love my lesbian daughter” but no “I love my gay dad/lesbian mom”; although you can find little kids’ stuff that says, “I love my mommies”… okay, so getting a little warmer, but then that doesn’t include my lesbian friends and LGBT support in general…

This brings us back to Abigail’s point that we need to stop treating queerspawn as “perpetual adolescents.” I hope those of you who are LGBT parents (and I think that’s most of my readers) will learn much, as I have, from reading these insights from the grown children of other LGBT families. I will be lucky if my own son is nearly as wise and strong.