Back after a short summer break, this week’s Family Voices interview is with California dads David and Clay. Below, they talk about the importance of dinnertime, storytime, and time off, and share a bit of parenting haiku.
As with the previous families highlighted in this feature, they are members of the Family Pride Coalition’s OUTSpoken Families program, and committed to speaking with their local communities and media about their lives and the need for LGBT equality.
1. Tell us a little about your family. Who is in your immediate family? Anything particular you’d like to share about yourselves?
Our immediate family currently includes the Dads, David and Clay, the sons, Daniel and David who are twins, Maggie the rescue dog (her twin died recently), and the three fish tanks. We, of course, include many others in our family: relatives on Daddy David’s side, relatives on Dad Clay’s side, biological relatives of the boys, and many close friends. The boys are in middle school and the Dads are busy parents juggling work, school, church and extra-curriculars.
2. How did you create your family? What advice would you give to other couples taking this route? Any resources you found particularly helpful?
We began our quest to parent shortly after we were married in 1994. We had a miscarriage with a friend, failed discussions with lesbian friends about co-parenting, and failed attempts to adopt through foster care. Our last attempt to adopt with the assistance of Gay and Lesbian Adolescent Social Services put us in touch with LA County Dept of Children and Family Services and we successfully adopted the boys in 2004. We met them at an adoption fair of all places!
Perseverance with lots of support is what worked for us. Having one partner who is able to be at home with the children at all times has been the core of our success.
3. What has been the most challenging thing you’ve faced as a parent? How did you handle it?
Parenting in general, the absolute shift in focus to the children: it’s what we expected, but we couldn’t know what it would feel like on a daily basis until it happened. The most important thing is finding caretakers for the children so the parents can get regular time off and having support lined when the parents relationship begins to fray.
4. How have your children dealt with having two dads? Have they experienced any negative reactions at school or elsewhere? Any particularly positive ones? What was your response?
Having two dads is definitely challenging for them, but they’ve learned to handle it quite well. Of course, we helped them by moving to Berkeley, which couldn’t be more welcoming to us as a family. Having said that, Daniel did encounter verbal harassment by an aide when he was in 5th grade, but he knew enough to notify the school principal who called us right away. We agreed to do a presentation to Daniel’s classroom at the encouragement of the teacher and the school — both outraged by the comments directed to Daniel.
Positive comments have ceased to flow to the boys because we are active in their schools and have educated them about excellent manners, which adults just love.
5. Dustin said you and your partner married several years ago in California. Legal marriage equality is under consideration in California (again). What difference, if any, would this make to your family?
Yes, we were married before same-sex marriage was popular. In fact, when we became engaged in 1993, many of our gay and lesbian friends chided us for engaging in the cultural relic of a wedding. Ours was very tradition — not campy in the least, although we love camp — and engaged our friends and our families. We also registered as Domestic Partners in SF at the same time.
In 2001, shortly after Vermont became the first state to have Civil Unions, we got married in Brattleboro, in a quaint ceremony officiated by the former Lieutenant Governor of the State, Jack Burgess.
Will we get married in California if marriage becomes legal? The very next day thank you very much! What difference would it make to our family? Not sure, on the day to day level, but the many securities it would afford would undoubtedly show up eventually.
6. Clay works for Kaiser Permanente, a company named by HRC as one of the best places to work for LGBT Americans. Have you used KP’s benefits and policies to help your family, or have you had coverage through David’s employer or in other ways?
Kaiser Permanente is a great place to work (and to get care!) and I feel completely comfortable as a gay family man in my job. Of course, I have health benefits for my entire family — would be extended to my in-laws if they lived nearby, as well. We discontinued my husband’s health benefits because mine are better and we prefer Kaiser health plan.
In addition, we’ve participated in Kaiser community events and the kids feel proud of and comfortable with their dads at all these events.
7. Why did you choose to be part of Family Pride’s OUTSpoken program?
It’s important to educate in as many ways as we can. We all learn differently and the more opportunities we afford others to learn about us, the more likely they’ll get that my family is pretty much like your family with the same needs and the same goals.
8. How else, if at all, are you involved in your community or in LGBT activism/politics?
Gosh, raising kids is a full-time job for us, so our involvement in activism/politics, other than writing checks, has pretty much ground to a halt. However, we joined the Unitarian Universalist Church last year because Daniel wanted to explore their coming of age program. But, it turned out to be a great support for us as a family since it is a politically active congregation with wide open doors for all LGTB folks.
In addition, we occasionally participate in 5k/10k runs as a family and it’s great for us to be OUT in these events for all to see.
9. What’s your favorite: a) family activity; b) children’s book?
Dad’s favorite activity, when the chaos is low-level, is dinner. We sit down to dinner together every night that we’re home, and that’s most of the time. It’s how we teach the boys to interact, to talk about themselves and hear about each other, we can accomplish many things at the dinner table, and the food is usually great!
Dad’s favorite children’s book is Three Questions, by Jon J. Muth. This morality story is a beautiful re-telling of the story by Tolstoy that helps focus on what’s important.
Daddy’s favorite family activities revolve around the celebration of holidays, and his favorite children’s book is anything by Dr. Seuss. When the boys were younger, we read to boys every night and David’s favorites were Dr. Seuss. Reading to the boys every night when they were younger was critical; it still is a way to help resolve a difficult day — very calming.
10. If you had a parenting motto, what would it be and why?
Clay loves Haiku, so he’d say:
Choose battles wisely,
Taking one thing at a time.
Parenting is tough!
Borrowing from the wisdom of those who came before, Daddy says:
This too will change!
Obviously, the message is, it’s not easy, but you just love your kids and keep moving on.
