Just in case you haven’t had your daily dose of irony, here’s a bit of news for the first day of National Adoption Month, “a month set aside to raise awareness about the adoption of children from foster care”:
A Utah man, Gregg Valdez, who with his partner took in his niece’s four children when she was unable to care for them, has chosen to give custody of the children to their grandmother, rather than fight a state law that forbids unmarried, cohabiting couples from becoming foster or adoptive parents. (The family is discussing, however, whether to grant the wish of the niece’s 11-year-old son to stay with Valdez, although the boy’s grandmother will have permanent legal custody.)
“We all came to the same conclusion—we didn’t want to get involved in a big court battle, and we wanted to keep the kids together,” Valdez told Gay.com. “I could have fought it, but I didn’t think it would be in the best interest of the kids. It’ll be hard at first, but I know they’ll be taken care of.”
This is a huge, unselfish act of the sort seen too rarely in custody situations. My heart goes out to all the family members, and I hope the arrangements do indeed work out for their children.
The case brings to mind one from July about another sacrifice by an LGBT parent in Utah. Lesbian mom Keri Jones announced she would not appeal a Utah Supreme Court ruling that said planning and raising a child with her (now ex) partner (and obtaining a court order designating both of them as co-guardians) was not enough to give her visitation rights. She said she feared a federal court would rule the same way, and “Having that kind of ruling on a national level would be horrific.” Jones and Valdez are the sort of quiet heroes who deserve our recognition and respect.
Back to National Adoption Month, about which our president says:
Families who adopt show the generous spirit of our Nation. Every child desires a permanent home, and when parents adopt a child to love as their own, lives are forever changed. For parents, the decision to adopt a child is among life’s greatest and happiest turning points. On November 17, families across the country will celebrate National Adoption Day by finalizing their adoptions, and each one of these homes will be richer for the addition of new family members.
If you are in the process of adopting and on track to finalize it around November 17, you can visit the National Adoption Day site (and speak with your attorney) to see what you can do to have your local court participate and include your adoption among those completed that day.
If you’ve already adopted, hope to do so, or just want to celebrate adoptive families, you can join in various community events, or organize one yourself. The National Adoption Day site has resources to help you plan your event and reach out to local businesses, faith communities, and media for support and coverage. This is a good opportunity both to celebrate the way many of us have created our families and to raise awareness and visibility. If you plan to honor the day, or have done so in the past, please leave a comment sharing your ideas and experiences.
The National Adoption Day site also has a place where you can share your adoption story to “be considered for posting.” On the off chance (!) that they don’t publish too many LGBT adoption stories, feel free to leave yours in the comments here as well, and I’ll highlight them in a post on November 17.
“Families who adopt show the generous spirit of our Nation. Every child desires a permanent home, and when parents adopt a child to love as their own, lives are forever changed. For parents, the decision to adopt a child is among life’s greatest and happiest turning points.”
Comment here from an adult adoptee who observes also that lives are forever changed before any parent adopts a child. The mom (and dad) who had the child are forever changed when they relinquished their parental rights (assuming the process proceeded in a linear fashion); the child’s life is changed when he/she left the familiar surroundings of womb and family for an unknown and strange world.
Adoption may indeed for a while be an extremely happy moment. It quickly becomes an event of duration in which much wisdom, in addition to love, is necessary for all involved to integrate the complexities of this twist of fate and decision.
As an adoptee, as much as I did indeed love my adopting parents (they are now deceased), I really hated that I was adopted. I was also pained in that my experience was something very hard to communicate with my parents and community because of the myth surrounding it that it is such a “happy” thing. It has taken me almost fifty years of living in order to begin to come to terms with the reality of this life.
I think that the GLBT communities would be sensitive to experiences of living in view of what I perceive their group and individual experiences to have been.