It’s Freedom to Marry Week, and I thought I’d mark the occasion by talking about why marriage matters to me.
Legal protections are part of the story, but only part. Civil unions and domestic partnerships can cover some (but not all) of the same rights and responsibilities. The greater reason for marriage, in my mind, is so that I can tell my son, “Yes, we’re married,” without any hesitancy or the thought that when he is older, I will have to explain why there’s an asterisk on that statement: “Void where prohibited.”
At four years old, he’s already asking what marriage means, having heard children and teachers discussing it at school. He once inquired whether his presence at his moms’ wedding meant he’s married to us, too. “You are part of our family because you’re our son,” I explained to him. “Marriage is one way grown-ups who aren’t related to each other can become part of the same family.” I didn’t want to get into explanations of other forms of relationship recognition, or the fact that Helen and I considered ourselves married long before we moved to Massachusetts and legalized it. There will be time enough for that as he grows older. School is already teaching him that marriage matters, regardless of the legislation and political games that swirl around it. His moms are married, in his eyes, and that gives him a certain sense of his family, a way to place it in context.
I dread having to teach him that once we cross the border of Massachusetts, our marriage becomes something other, something less than the concept he is learning about through friends and teachers. I know I will have to, for he will grow faster than our courts and legislators will act. All I can do is resolve to keep fighting so any period of doubt about his family’s validity, and about his own worth as a child of such a union, is kept to a minimum. I’d like him to grow up with a sense that even though there are small-minded people in the world, a sense of equality for all will ultimately prevail.
Why (or why not) does marriage matter to you?
Dana, I was one of those straight supporters of gay rights, including marriage, but I thought perhaps civil union would work for now and we could continue to work for change.
My eyes were opened from reading and listening to the horror stories; both from friends and online.
Then I “met” this brave, loving, wonderful woman. What happened to her and her children was inhuman.
For my new friend Janice (who if all goes well I will meet in person this month) and for all the others who suffer from the inequality, we must keep pressing on.
Here’s the link to her blog. You may already know her story – it was posted on Family Equality some time ago.
http://thelpkids.com/
Marriage matters- because although many of the 2000+ benefits of being married can be negotiated out via wills, health care proxies, etc– there is the fear that when push comes to shove, our wishes won’t be honored. There is always that nagging voice in the back of my head about having to circumnavigate the issue of only “kind of” being married to my life partner- the feeling of “what else to I have to do to protect my family…”
We have been married for almost 14 years now- but not legally in New York State.
In keeping with the theme, we’ll be blogging some/thing this week. See The Other Mother for details. Feel free to mention if it fits into your plan. Happy Monday, Robin
The right of same sex couples to have the legal ability to marry is extremely important. I favour the freedom to choose – a freedom which, living in Canada, I am entitled to have. Having said that, however, my partner and I choose not to marry, despite the fact that we have been together 11 years and have two children. Marriage, simply put, is just not important to us and it would be equally unimportant to us if we were straight. So, we’re glad we have the choice but we’re comfortable with our decision not to exercise that choice. (oh, and, yes, we both are legally the parents of our children)
Thanks for sharing this perspective, Michelle. I fully agree marriage should be a choice, not an obligation.