Happy Mother’s Day to all of you who call yourselves mothers. We may come by the title in different ways, but the one thing we all share is a love of our children.
I found it interesting that two lesbian-mom authors this week wrote of the difficulty of sharing Mother’s Day with another mother. Harlyn Aizley at the Beacon Broadside says:
Because in addition to amplifying the joy, Mother’s Day in two-mom households also can shed light on just how complicated it is to share the role of “mother.”
Never mind who gets to be called “mom”, who gets to sleep in?
Who takes care of dinner and makes a cake?
Who gets the card made from glue and glitter in kindergarten?
Erika Milvy in the San Francisco Chronicle says, in a similar vein:
I don’t particularly want to share Mother’s Day. “Ra Ra” though I’m supposed to be about the right-on awesomeness of lesbian parenting, I ever so selfishly want to be the be-all and end-all in the maternal universe of my child.
In our house, we avoid this problem by using birthdays, not Mother’s Day, as the designated preferential-treatment days. On Mother’s Day, we may exchange small gifts and cards, and I may make a cake for us all to share, but that’s about it. Neither of us came from a tradition of breakfasts in bed and fawning on our mothers for this holiday (though we always did something special), so we don’t feel like we’re missing out.
Another solution, of course, is to draw from the Jewish tradition, which extends many holidays over several days. Why not have a Mothers’ Weekend?
Or, if Mother’s Day is intended to be a vacation day for a job position that otherwise gets no days off, why not make it more frequent, to help us all avoid burnout? Each parent gets one day a month when she doesn’t have to do any household chores. The rest of the household is obligated to pitch in so the workload isn’t simply doubled the next day. The second Sunday in May can then be a time of gift exchange and a celebration for the entire family, not the only time of year when mom(s) can take the day off.
Those ideas may be oversimplifying. We each come from different backgrounds and have different expectations of what we want out of this holiday (and others). It’s easy to say we should just make up our own traditions. It is not always a simple matter, however, to cut ourselves and our expectations off from the past and the world around us. We lesbian moms (and other LGBT parents) spend so much time going against tradition, too, that it is nice sometimes to fall back onto a comforting old one.
Although I don’t have the same feelings about this holiday as Aizley and Milvy, I think I understand their points of view. We each have to find our own solutions, our own ways of honoring old and new, ourselves and our partners, and that can be difficult.
Wherever you are on this journey, however you celebrate the day, may it be a joyous one for you and your family. Above all, may it remind you that you are a family, no matter what anyone else may think.
Happy Mother’s Day, Dana! Thanks for the thoughtful post.
In our family, I am the one who identifies as the mother, so we do a small little fete for me. On the anniversary of the day my partner completed the second-parent adoption, we’re celebrating her parenthood. That’s what works for us; since my partner does not entirely identify as a woman, the ‘mom’ moniker doesn’t feel right (nor does she want to be dad), so we’ve invented our own way of honoring us both, as equal parents. But I wish all this stuff weren’t so gendered…how about a parent’s day?
Using the adoption day is a great idea. FYI, you may want to read Polly’s comment over on a previous Mother’s Day post of mine, in which she talks about how her family handles a similar situation. Whatever feels right for any given family, I say.
Polly also comments about why I chose the date between Mother’s Day and Father’s Day as Blogging for LGBT Families Day–and it’s for exactly the reason you say: to have a date that honors both parents equally. Maybe it will evolve into a celebration for all, bloggers or not. Who knows?