Marriage vs. Civil Unions: The Impact on Children

The New Jersey Civil Union Review Commission has completed its final report. It found that the state’s civil union law “invites and encourages harm to same-sex couples and their children” and cites “overwhelming evidence” the civil union law will never provide equality with the passage of time.

The entire 79-page report is quite a read. The consistent themes that emerged from the Commission’s study are:

• A separate legal structure is never equal.
• The word “marriage” conveys a universally understood and powerful meaning.
• Children would benefit by society’s recognition that their parents are married.
• There is uncertainty about the recognition of civil unions in other states.

Let’s give the report a Mombian filter, and explore that third point. Here is some of the testimony by and about same-sex couples with children. This is long, but underscores how important LGBT parents and our children are in the fight for marriage equality.

Numerous witnesses testified that Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) couples raise happy, healthy children in a loving family environment. These witnesses included couples, their friends and families, their children, and clergy.

Many witnesses noted that the labeling of civil union couples, not as married but in a civil union, has a detrimental effect on their families, showing children that their parents are different or somehow less than others, which can lead to teasing and bullying. Many witnesses observed that when the government treats people differently, it emboldens private citizens of any age to follow suit. As a lesbian high school teacher testified, “I don’t hear racist remarks, but I hear the, ‘Oh, he’s so gay, that’s so gay’…I think … if the laws were changed, it would give that much more oomph to not expressing prejudice.”
. . . .
Civil unions perpetuate psychological harm.

Since the interim report, the Commission has heard testimony from mental health experts. They described the deep psychological harm that civil union laws can inflict on LGBT youth, as well as on straight youth being raised in same-sex families. The Commission also heard from affected youth themselves.

Marshall Forstein, M.D., an associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard University Medical School and a Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association, told the Commission:

For young people coming out, which is about 5 to 15 percent of the overall U.S. population, the presence of role models who have equal status via marriage in society has significant meaning both internally and socially and has potential for reducing their isolation [and] sense of stigma that gay teens face in their everyday lives. And I point out here the data on suicide among gay and lesbian teens which is about three times that of the general teenage population. Same-sex marriages provide stability for couples in terms of public acknowledgment of their commitment and provide legitimacy for the children being raised by gay and lesbian parents.
***
The socially sanctioned right of gay marriage which is qualitatively different than civil unions, the right to choose one’s spouse, has a positive impact on self-esteem, sense of being validated in the eyes of the community, and on the internalization of ideas of commitment and responsibility to others, something that is sorely needed in our society currently.
***
Nothing is more basic from a mental health perspective to happiness and liberty than the right to love another human being with the same privileges and responsibilities as everyone else.

Judith Glassgold, Psy.D. is President of the New Jersey Psychological Association and a licensed psychologist who has provided psychotherapy to children, adolescents and their families, including same-sex individuals and families, for 17 years. She is a faculty member at the Graduate School of Applied and Professional Psychology at Rutgers University, and a past president of the Society for the Psychological Study of Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Issues of the American Psychological Association. Dr. Glassgold testified before the Commission:

Children of same-sex relationships must cope with the stigma of being in a family without the social recognition that exists through marriage. Children of same-sex relationships are the secondary target of the stigma directed at their parents because of their parents’ sexual orientation. Such stigma may be indirect such as the strain due to lack of social support and acceptance. Also, some children may be targeted due to teasing in school or from peers.

Further, although the children from civil unions are legally legitimate, children born into these relationships are born outside of marriage and still may be faced with the stigma of illegitimacy in the eyes of their peers.
***
Civil unions can be perceived as society’s judgment that committed intimate relationships with people of the same sex are inherently different and potentially inferior to heterosexual relationships, and that the participants in the same-sex marriage are inherently less deserving than heterosexual couples of society’s full recognition.

As a result of the lack of marriage equality, both lesbian, gay and bisexual adolescents and children of same-sex relationships face continued stigma. The stigma has negative mental health effects. Children of same-sex families and lesbian, gay and bisexual adolescents would benefit from their reduction of the stigma and having any future threat of discrimination and stigma removed from their lives.

Meredith Fenton is national program director of Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere (COLAGE) and is herself the daughter of a lesbian parent. She told the Commission:

Many youth we work with have reported that one of the common ways that they have been teased by other kids is that kids have questioned the validity of their families because their parents aren’t able to get married. Young people often equate the notion of a real family with the idea of a family that has married parents. A recent study that COLAGE copublished with GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network) showed that around 43 percent of students with one or more LGBT parents experienced verbal harassment from their peers in their schools on a regular basis. And denying families marriage equality merely gives more fodder to those bullies who can say, “Your family is not a real family, your parents can’t get married.”

We also find youth in COLAGE who report that hearing that their family can’t have the same rights as other families leads them to feeling scared or confused when they hear that folks are against their families being married. They say that they think somebody is going to come and break up their family. Youth have also shared that they’re confused about the idea of civil unions and why there needs to be this separate category for their family.

Caitlin, a college student who grew up in Northwestern New Jersey, told the Commission:

When…my father came out of the closet…that changed a lot of things. Shortly thereafter he found his life partner…who is a second father to me and who I love very much and who my entire family loves….I was very proud of my father for finally finding his voice and being able to be true to himself.
***
If the law says that someone is equal, people are going to recognize it. And if the law is not willing to say that, why should the common person out on the street, in the schools, the teacher, students, recognize that family as being the same?

So the State of New Jersey sent me a very clear message that while my old family was great and fabulous and wonderful, my new family was second rate. And it was really, really difficult for me …because I grew up in an area where there wasn’t a lot of diversity and I really needed someone to affirm me, and unfortunately the state failed me in that.

Miriam, a 16-year-old from central New Jersey with two moms, testified:

High school is definitely difficult for anyone, but it’s really difficult for someone who stands out as much as I do, especially in this town where everyone is so similar. And people still come up to me sometimes and be like, “Oh, are you the girl, you have two moms, right?”…And now since they had a civil union a year ago, which, you know, was nice, it was a nice ceremony, it was beautiful, but I kind of had to explain to people, to my friends,…my parents are…having a wedding but they’re not getting married, they’re having a civil union. I would say maybe like 0.01 percent of high schoolers know what a civil union is. Like, no one knows what that is. So I have to…explain that.

These are only a few of the first-hand stories the Commission heard from young people being raised by same-sex couples.

Among the most poignant testimony this Commission has heard since issuing its first interim report has been the stories of LGBT youth. They described the pain they have suffered because of the stigma associated with their not being able to envision marriage in their future.

Ashley, a high school student in Essex County, testified:

Today (a classmate) asked me, “Do you have a boyfriend?” I said, “No, actually, I have a girlfriend. You might know her.” And he said, “You have a girlfriend? That’s wrong, that’s a disease. You need to go get help for that.” And I was like, “Why is it a disease?” And he was like, “You can’t get married. Well, that’s why, you can’t get married. Obviously something is wrong with it.”

Tom, a 17-year old gay teen from Essex County, testified before the Commission about what the difference between civil unions and marriage means to him:

[B]esides the obvious legality issues, [civil union is] a separate word. It’s totally different. It’s like if my two brothers can be married and have their relationship with their…wife be called a marriage and I can’t that puts me in a second-class citizen state which I never want to be in, which I currently am in right now but I am desperately trying to get out of.
***
I’m just tired of having my future be in jeopardy because certain people don’t feel comfortable giving equal rights to gays and lesbians alike. And I’m not really sure what to say, but it’s just the emotional damage that’s been done by knowing that it’s not — that I don’t have the equal rights that both my brothers have,…[i]t’s just a confusing situation to be in, and the more I think about it, the more angry I get, the more confused and upset.
***
I want to be able to, in the future, talk to my brothers and say, “Nick, you have a wife, you love her very much. David, you have a wife, you love her very much. But I have a husband and I love him too.”… Even if I’m allowed to have marriage now, which would be an amazing thing, the damage that’s been done since I was really little to now, I don’t think it can ever be undone. But being able to be married now would be such an amazing feeling, to know that some time in my life I can be equal to everyone I know, to both my brothers and all my friends that I have.

Finally, the Act also has an adverse psychological impact on couples where one of the partners is transgender. The Commission affirms its finding from the interim report that the classification of civil union may place marital status in question for these couples. These couples, who were married legally in New Jersey, now find themselves questioning how their relationships will be labeled in light of the Act.

Heather Shulack, a male to female transgender individual, who has been married to Karen for over 20 years, testified:

The most important fact that I would like to bring to your [at]tention is how our lives have impacted our sons….[I]f the civil union legislation evolved into same-sex marriage equality there would be less of a stigma on our family structure. Basically the state would in effect legitimize our family structure.

Denise and Fran Brunner, who have been married for 28 years and who have three children, reported that they feel as if they are in legal limbo and are concerned that they could be relegated to second class status if their marriage is deemed a civil union. They fear that separately labeling their relationship would negatively affect their children by sending the message that their parents are something less than a legally married couple.

Audrey and Robin Bazlin-Weglarz also fear that the legality of their marriage could be subject to challenge some day. Robin noted that their relationship did not change because of the surgery; they still feel the same love for one another they always did. They, too, are concerned that their marriage may be viewed as a civil union because of the perception that civil unions are not equivalent to marriages.
. . . .
After issuing its interim report on February 19, 2008, this Commission heard more testimony from same-sex couples in Massachusetts – and their children – on the extraordinary psychological benefit of the couples’ being able to marry. Laura Patey and Leigh Powers, a married couple in Massachusetts, are the mothers of two children who were adopted at age 11. Both children had been placed for adoption and returned, suffering heartbreaking loss before Patey and Powers adopted them into a secure home. The story of these children is not dissimilar to those of children being raised by same-sex parents in New Jersey, a pioneer in allowing same-sex couples to adopt.

Laura Patey, who grew up in New Jersey, told this Commission:

After our civil marriage, you know, I’d be in the car with Alex and he’d say, “You know what?” And I’d say, “What?” And he’d go, “You’re married.” And it would just come up for weeks. He’d say, “You know what? You’re married.” It was a big deal. It was always in the forefront of his thinking…You know, kids who have not had family, haven’t had that sort of connection and real understanding, attachment issues are huge. And a sense of validation of being part of a real family.

Leigh Powers added:

I cannot tell you the impact that 15 minutes and the marriage license had on our two young guys….Don’t misunderstand me but I think it almost meant more to them in some ways because our commitment had been solidified through our church service and through our life together for 16 years. But to them it made all the difference in the world. And for at least two, three, four weeks later we would get teased about finally not living in sin any longer, so it was such a profound impact.

Raised by his moms Susan Shepherd and Marsha Hams in Massachusetts, Peter Hams-Shepherd went on to become a hockey star in high school and college. He testified before the Commission:

[A]s a kid, if your parents are different,…you don’t want to talk about your family….I was very guarded with my friends, my teammates, my coaches….When they don’t understand what your parents are, that puts you in a scary situation as a kid, because kids are extremely mean to each other and that’s just the way kids are….[I]t put huge pressure on me….I was afraid to ask my teammates or friends to stay at the house because I was afraid that they would see that my parents have one … bedroom, but I was also afraid that my coach would either cut me from the team or bench me, and that was something that happened all the way up until my parents got married.

Every time I let somebody in and I said, “Hey, I have to tell you something,” I’d say, “My parents are gay,” and no matter what they said, my next reaction was, “Don’t tell anybody.” And that’s no way to grow up.

After my parents got their marriage license, all that changed. For the first time in my life I could stand there and I had a word to describe my family and that word could describe it to everybody because everybody already knew what a marriage was. You know, they didn’t have to question.

It’s been the biggest thing in my life. You know, I can’t stop talking about my parents. It’s easier for me to go around and talk to friends that I’ve had for 20 years, to go up to them and speak about my family openly now and they get it. When you say that your family is married, they just get it and there’s not a question. I just wish it would have happened when I was little, so I didn’t have to go through all this stuff. It was just the best feeling I ever had. And part of it, too, I think was I felt like finally I was protected. My parents’ fears probably creeped into my subconscious mind too as a kid, that they would lose me for some reason.

I’ve watched young gay couples, teenagers, 15 year olds, walk up to my parents and say, “You guys are heroes.” And you can see in their eyes that finally there’s hope that their relationship is just as good as anybody else’s. There’s a future in their relationship. I was happy for every other little kid out there, that they didn’t have to go through the same stuff. I see the huge weight lifted off my parents’ shoulders. When they talk to their co-workers at work or their boss, it’s huge. To not tell your lifelong friends or your boss for 20 years about your spouse, it’s a tough thing to live with, and it’s something that people shouldn’t have to live with, especially the kids.

Read the entire report, complete with references, at the Civil Union Review Commission Web site.

If you live in New Jersey, please send a message to Gov. Corzine and the legislature, asking them to act as quickly as possible on the Commission’s recommendation.