Here’s the second of three giveaways of And Baby Makes More: Known Donors, Queer Parents, and Our Unexpected Families
For today’s drawing, I’ll pick the winner randomly from all of the people who leave a comment on this post with their answer to the following question:
How did you decide how to create your family (known/unknown donor insemination, adoption, surrogate, previous opposite-sex relationship, etc.)? If you don’t have children yet, which method(s) are you considering? (And if you’re one of my few readers who neither has nor wants kids, tell us about the formation of the family in which you were raised.)
Alternatively, since so many of you left comments on last week’s question even when the contest was over, you may submit an answer here to that question instead:
Many of the essays in the book focus on the language we use for our families. How do you and your children (if you have any) refer to the members of your family—yourself and/or your co-parent(s), donor, birth mother, grandparents, or anyone else you consider part of your close family circle? If you don’t have kids, tell us what you call your own parents or what you think you’d like your kids to call you.
Comments must be left before 11:59 p.m. Pacific Time today, May 26. (That’s 2:59 a.m. Eastern Time, May 27.)
Please come back next Wednesday for the final giveaway.
Thanks to Insomniac Press for making this possible.
Full rules and restrictions after the jump.
Rules and restrictions: U.S. and Canada residents only, please. One entry per person. Don’t worry if your comment is moderated; once I approve it, it will appear based on the time you submitted it. Spam comments, including off-topic or purely commercial comments, will not count. If you win any one of the three drawings for this book, you cannot play again. If you are or have been a paying advertiser (or an employee of a paying advertiser) on Mombian, you can’t play.
You must also leave a valid e-mail address with your comment. Don’t leave a postal address, though. If you win, I’ll contact you by e-mail about shipping. I will then share the winner’s name and postal address with the publisher, for the sole purpose of allowing them to mail you your prize.
I am a member of the Amazon Associates program, and get a small referral fee from all purchases made at Amazon.com via links on this site. You are under no obligation to purchase through them.
We were lucky enough to finally have donor insemination work for us. At various times, we tried Known Donor Fresh, Anonymous Frozen, and ID Release Frozen. Our miscarriage was with anonymous frozen sperm, and our final successful pregnancy was with ID Release. I’m still a bit sad that the KD didn’t work out, as he’s a good friend of ours and in addition to having n have access to her biological resources on that side, he’s just a great guy all around. He still is – that’s not what I mean to say, only that who knows what this other guy is like, maybe he’s rude, maybe he regrets donating, all these things that you think about and would like to protect your child from. Though obviously nothing is guaranteed with a KD situation, we at least knew what he was like at that moment in time.
We wanted to work something out with a known donor. But after talking to the only man we knew and wanted to ask, it became clear that arrangement wouldn’t work. He wanted to be “dad” and we wanted him to be “uncle.” Later, a friend took us to a party to meet some guys she knew and thought we could ask. But I discovered there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to make me feel comfortable asking a complete stranger for his sperm. So the next day we looked into sperm banks and started the process of using an unknown donor. Our son is now a year old and we have no regrets about our choice to use an unknown donor.
We were lucky enought to be able to use known donors for both of our kids. Although only time will tell how the relationships will work out, for now it’s good! Our kids are 15 months and 5 months, I carried one and my wife carried the other.
I would really like to use a known donor or friend. I think that kids naturally are curious about where they come from, and I would like to be able to connect the kid’s inception to a real person that s/he can have a relationship with. I like the idea of calling that person Uncle.
Originally, I thought it would be neat if my future wife had a brother and then I could inseminate with her brother and she could inseminate with mine. Although it sounded knee-jerk icky at first, I thought it would be a cool way of tying things up genetically (and having some insurance in case we’re some place where parent is defined solely as the genetic donor). Alas, however, while I have found a wonderful woman, she is an only child!
My wife and I initially wanted to go with a known donor – a friend of a friend who we both really liked. But his significant other did not like the idea, and that was a deal breaker for me.
We went with an anon donor, and have a little girl now. This method was *great* for us. My wife and I could work out the logistics more easily (no plane tickets to buy!), the legal issues were MUCH more straightforward (no “father” to possibly sue for custody). And in the end, we really wanted our kid(s) to have 2 parents: me and my wife.
I carried our daughter, and then – because Mass. state law is ridiculous – we both co-adopted her.
I hope to get pregnant with kid #2 from the same donor this summer! Fingers crossed…
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My partner has an almost 13 year old son from a previous marriage and we’re in the stages of trying to decide which type of donor to use. We’ve decided that she’ll carry the baby and my cousin’s husband has volunteered to be the donor. We have a giant list of pros and cons going on that alone. We like the idea of a known donor, but haven’t really talked to anyone in detail about it. Clearly I need to read more about both sides of it! ;)
We first thought about using a KD (a friend of ours). He didn’t work out in the end. Then I really wanted to use my partner’s brother so the child would biologically be related to both of us. My partner tried but was never able to move past the idea of injecting her brother’s sperm into her wife. We settled on a Donor ID donor from a sperm bank. We got pregnant the first time through IVF but are miscarrying. We will try agian as soon as we get the doctors approval.
Since I don’t have children yet but I’ve been studying all the methods others are using. I read TTC (trying to conceive) Blogs, Books [The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth”] and websites like mombian. I have looked into IUI (intra-uterine insemination) and ICI (Intra-cervical Insemination) with an anonymous donor from Cryobank. Also since I’m still young and almost done with my academic career, Im looking into employers that offer great health care that can help with some of the costs of TTC. I want to do home inseminations and if the first two or three don’t work out I will definitely look into doctor assisted help. My very last resort in conceiving a bio child will be 2 IVF (In vitro fertilization) cycles. We are basing our “plan” on what is a better fit for us at the time we feel we are comfortable and stable enough financially with becoming first time parents. The resources we have already looked into is a maybe baby savings account. From reading and looking into TTC as a lesbian couple we have learned that if you are not financially ready you can fall through the cracks. Even though everything may not go as planned my partner and I still feel that having a plan helps. I also feel like that in my community we need to help organize an official TTC/Adoption consulting centers for potential LGBT parents. The program should consist of helping couples with conceiving and planning for such a responsibility with resources such as doctors, financial planners, other LGBT parents to talk to for support. I can’t wait to start the process while also preparing myself for things not going as planned. Then adoption will come into play because a family doesn’t always have to have a biological gene but have identical hearts filled with love. As long as there is love in our lives with children we really don’t care how our wonderful family is going to be created. :)
we tried to use sperm from a known donor, but he wasn’t in the area and shipping was difficult. we thought about co-parenting with a gay couple, but for some reason, it just didn’t feel right and our ideals on co-parenting were not aligned.
we didn’t want to co-parent. and clearly they did. we decided against it. we asked some close friends, but they were against donating and had issues with what their relationship with the child would be.
in the end, the donor issues were too messy, and we found ourselves a bank, which pretty much removed a huge element of stress from the entire process. with that, a few months later we were pregnant with our daughter and we are back trying again with the same donor. it’s stress free and we don’t have to worry about the human aspect of using a known donor. right now, i think we made the best choice for us. i hope that our children understand.
We first asked my brother to be a donor for my partner, but he (really his wife) was uncomfortable with that. So we decided to start looking at anonymous donors. When we started telling some friends that we had started that process, a close friend said he had all of the characteristics we were looking for and that he was willing to be the donor. It has worked out great! We have an amazing soon-to-be 3 year old son as a result, and we are all open to a “special uncle” relationship with this friend/donor.
We thought at first that we’d use a sperm bank but I had a really hard time with that, mostly I think because I was adopted and having little to no connection to a birth parent sounded scary to me, that I’d have to watch my child have some of the same pain I did, and I didn’t want that. So we held out for a known donor. Bel, my partner, asked everyone we knew, and even people we didn’t know, if they’d like to give us some sperm, but the men in our lives were very possessive and so it took us many years. Finally, one of our best friends offered her husband’s sperm, and we were in business. It took us two months of trying and 9 months and now I’m due tomorrow and it feels like such an amazing miracle that it’s actually happening. I feel so lucky. The donor family has a little boy and we’ve talked a lot about how our baby already has a brother and I love that for her, so much family everywhere.
My partner and I have been relentlessly discussing the pros and cons of sperm banks vs. known donor. Last night the guy I would call my “first pick” offered without me even asking. It was a really happy night for my partner and I. But then we started thinking the reality of it over. He lives several states away so we’d have to figure out how to make the whole process work without causing him too much trouble. I like the idea of our child being able to know the donor when they are older because that is an option that I don’t want to deny my child. Right now my partner and I still aren’t quite sure which path we’ll take. I’m so thankful for my friend’s offering, but there are still so many factors to consider.
We’re currently in the process of trying to get pregnant using ID release frozen. I’ve always wanted to be pregnant, give birth, and breastfeed, so although we both are interested in adoption we decided to try this first. I hope it works!
We don’t have children yet, but have put lots of thought into what we’d like. Ideally, we’d like to go w/frozen sperm w/an ID release donor using my egg & her carrying our first child & then her egg & me carrying our 2nd child. Then if & when we decided on a 3rd child, who would carry would be up for grabs ;-). Also we’re a bi-racial couple (she’s native american, i’m hispanic) so the ideal donor would have a mix of both of our heritages. But things being what they are, we’re open to starting our family w/a known donor (if we could find the right person), an unknown donor, w/out using each others eggs or by adoption (in no particular order).
My wife-to-be (getting married July 4th) has a 6 year old from her first marriage to a man. We are considering trying to have another child next year. She isn’t so sure she wants to have another one, since her first pregnancy wasn’t easy. She is convinced that I will carrry the child if we decide to have one, but I’m not sure. I’ve always been against that, but now I’m considering it. I know we both want more kids, so if we decide I’m to carry, I’d prefer to use a anon donor. Or if that doesn’t work, we’d love to adopt.
So great to hear everyone’s stories! Most of the discussion for us was whether we were ready to have a kid (ok, whether *I* was ready :-) ). My partner had always wanted to bear a child, and I never wanted to, so that was an easy decision. My brother originally offered to be a donor, but geography was too big a barrier. Next stop, sperm bank. The anonymous donor pool had more selection, but if I was doing it over, I might have been more interested in ID release. Anyway, we deliberately ordered the same donor for both kids so they have that genetic link with each other, and we plan to look into the sibling registry too. The donor also has similar regions of origin to my own. I get “Oh, they look like you” a lot. If it’s a stranger or casual acquaintance, I just say “I think they’re adorable, so thanks!”
I’m in an interracial (she’s black; I’m white) relationship and neither of us is ideally positioned to bring a pregnancy to term, so we never really considered surrogacy. We’re trying to do a special needs adoption from foster care, preferably an older black or black-multiracial boy. We may also end up temporarily parenting a relative of my partner’s while that girl’s mom is working to regain custody. We never went into this wanting a baby, but at only 30 I’ve been surprised how strongly I’ve been drawn to parenting teens. We’ve had two in our home for shortish stays and it’s wonderful to have a child who has a personality and can tell us what’s going on! So I may miss out on a huge chunk of standard parenting, but I think what we do will ultimately be rewarding for us too.
my wife and i will be doing an insemination.. We wanted to have an open ID insemination. But with our choices, it didnt turn out that way. But we plan on getting as much information from the profile and such to show the future baby.
I couldnt choose a known donor, I have a fear of the known donor wanting to take the baby, etc.
I think we’re the odd people out here.
We never even considered going with a known donor. My partner and I agreed very early on in the baby-discussion phase that we didn’t want a “third party” floating aroung out there. Since I’m a lawyer, I’ve seen innumerable times how complicated and even downright nasty straight parenting is when a separation or divorce occurs. And that’s a situation where the roles are better legally defined. There was no way on earth that my partner and I wanted a cumbersome, nebulous “third wheel” involved. Clean & simple.
Very recently a friend of mine and her partner went through a protracted and extremely costly custody battle with their known donor. There’s no end in sight and, like or not, they’re all saddled with each other to one degree or another. Known donor situations are great, until they aren’t.
So we went with frozen sperm of an unknown donor and have two marvelous children as a result. Just give me the sperm, man.
Helen and I never considered a known donor, either. Because we used my egg, and her womb, and were going to petition the state to declare us both parents from Day 1 (about which more here), we decided it would be best not to have anyone else with a potential legal tie.
We decided to use a sperm bank with donor sperm insemination. It just didn’t work out to use a known donor for too many reasons. We will be making our first real attempts to conceive this summer.