Every Sunday, the Boston Globe publishes “Sunday’s Child,” a column featuring a child or siblings who need an adoptive family. This week, the column (not yet online) notes that the child, “would do well with a single mother or a two-parent family (mom and dad or two moms) in which she is the only or youngest child.”
I had two thoughts, in close succession: First, how cool is it that they are actively seeking two-mom families? Second, why not also seek two-dad families, or single dads, for that matter?
Good question. Here are some of the answers I found.
The column is a collaboration between the Globe and the Massachusetts Adoption Resource Exchange (MARE), the Commonwealth’s central clearinghouse for adoption information and referral. It is not an adoption agency itself, but works to connect  the state’s Department of Children & Families (DCF), private adoption agencies, and adults interested in adoption. MARE is an LGBT-friendly organization, holding informational forums for LGBT prospective parents (e.g., these sessions in 2008 and 2009), and listing a number of LGBT family support programs.
Many more profiles of children are listed on the MARE Web site, and are based on information from the children’s social workers. Several other profiles, beyond the one in today’s Globe, specify that they are open to either opposite-sex parents or two moms. A few say they are seeking two-parent families or a single dad.
One, however, recommends against placing the child, a girl, with a single dad or two-dad family because of a past trauma (unspecified). That seems only right.
In another profile, the child “responds better to women than to men, and would prefer to be placed in an all female household. . . . His social worker recommends a small family setting with either a single mom or a two-parent same sex female couple.” In one other case, the profile simply says that “an ideal family . . . would be a single mom or possibly two moms,” with no reason given.
Conversely, another profile says, “It has been recommended by his adoption worker that Jorge be placed in an all male family as Jorge struggles with female authority.” Another says “Nathaniel does best with males and would benefit from having a male parent, sibling, or both.”
Several profiles say they are seeking a traditional family. Sometimes no reason is given; in others, the child has requested a mom and a dad. In some cases, the child’s request may allow for several possibilities, e.g., “Legally free for adoption, a two-parent or single female household would be ideal for Diante, since he has expressed a strong desire for a mommy.” (By “two parent,” then, read, “mom and dad or two moms,” not “two dads”—that seems an unfortunate slip in terminology for an organization that is otherwise inclusive.)
The picture that emerges in all of these profiles is that the best interests of the child must prevail. Sometimes, this means acceding to the child’s request for a mom and a dad or for parents of a particular gender. Sometimes it means placing the child with at least one, if not two parents of the gender to which they will better respond or which will not trigger memories of past trauma. Other times, it means being open to any loving family, no matter what its composition.
It strikes me, however, that same-sex families widen the possibilities for many children—and not just in the general sense of  “more prospective parents mean more homes.” If there is a legitimate reason for a child not to be placed with a parent of a certain gender, then same-sex parents offer children the option of two-parent as well as single-parent families. It may also be that as same-sex parents become even more visible in our society, the number of children who are open to any type of family may increase.
Kudos to MARE, the agencies they work with, and the Boston Globe for their inclusion of same-sex parents—but even more, for keeping the preferences and best interests of the children firmly in mind.
Thanks for writing this.
My fiance and I are very interested in adopting. When I first started reading this, it was discouraging. As I begin to slowly dig into what the process will be for two dads to adopt, it appears to become a more and more daunting challenge rather than a process.
However, the child should ALWAYS come first. Past trauma can be so damaging that being in the presence of a certain gender can be harming, at least until the child heals (if ever).
What’s important for same-sex parents looking to adopt is to find the right organization that is LGBT friendly and to trust their judgment. If they say the child won’t do well with two dads, then know that this statement and conclusion is reached with the child in mind. It’s easier said than done when one is looking to start a family, but it’s a good reminder.
I agree with you that as more and more LGBT families become a part of the visible social conscious, then more and more children will be open to adoption by such families. Change can be slow, but it’s coming.
Having spent years working on adoption out of the system, I understand and completely agree with matches/placement being in the best interest of the child. Having said that, the lens through which “best interest” is viewed is generally a heteronormative one.
Our adoption social worker said that she had recently encountered a perfect match between a 9 year old girl and a gay male couple, but felt that despite the perfect match, the child “needed a woman in her life” (’cause gay men live in women-free bubbles apparently), and did not go ahead with the match. So the girl remained in foster care and the men, childless. As a lesbian couple, we realized that our worker would likely never even consider us for a match of a male child or sib set with male child in it.
All of these decisions about what might be best for a given child are made by social workers – flesh and blood humans with their own biases. Our home study worker told us she could “separate my feelings about the gays from my job”. Our adoption worker (the one of the 9 year old non-matched child above) consistently wears the worlds largest clunkiest crucifix with dead Jesus attached, around her neck…is this gay couple getting a fair shake? I have little faith that gay couples and children in care in our province are well served in terms of potential families, despite the official “non-discrimination” line. The people on the front lines have absolute discretion about who might even be considered for a match.
Thanks for your great research, and the kudos to MARE and all our partners in the work to find adoptive parents for our children. Good point about our wording that failed to meet our standards for inclusiveness. We’re fixing that.
When you read the MARE website profiles of local children in need of adoption, you’re seeing only the briefest of information (to protect the child’s privacy). You’re also seeing profiles of only a fraction of the children for whom we’re seeking potential parents.
Right now, we’re serving over 500 children in state foster care in need of adoption. Only when a child’s social worker feels that the public exposure of our website is in the child’s best interest, do we post the profile online. But you can find the hard copy blue binder of all 500+ waiting children at your public library in MA. Check out http://www.mareinc.org/Public-Libraries.html for the list of libraries with our Photolisting Book. You’ll find that many of those youngsters would do best in homes with two-moms OR two-dads.
But please don’t be discouraged if you’re hoping to adopt a local child who needs a loving home. They need your “stick-to-it-iveness.” I can’t speak for other states or provinces, but here in Massachusetts, we are working hard to recruit all potential parents and match them with the kids who need them.
And yes, the process can be daunting – anyone interested in adopting a child from foster care must complete an application, attend the required training course, open their home, hearts & history to their social worker. That lengthy process is designed to help you understand all the challenges involved in raising a child who’s been in state care, and the resources available to help you meet those challenges. It’s in everyone’s best interest that, once a child moves into your home, he or she knows that it’ll be his/her home forever.
Because every child deserves a safe, loving, permanent family. And you just might be the moms or dads a child has been waiting for.
If you’d like more info on adopting a child from foster care (it’s free, by the way), please call the Mass. Adoption Resource Exchange (MARE) at 617-54-ADOPT (617-542-3678) or visit http://www.MAREinc.org. We’ll help you get started on your adoption journey.
Janice Halpern
Director, PR & Fundraising
MARE
Thanks, Janice, for taking the time to comment and explain a bit more about the adoption process. I hope it was clear that while my initial question was “What about the dads?” I found a more than sufficient answer in how the profiles take into account the social workers’ input and the children’s own requests, and aren’t afraid to match them with an appropriate family of any type.
I’d like to encourage the first commenter to keep on trying if he and his fiance are truly interested in adopting. I’m sure there are kids out there who would benefit from a great male role model and (bonus!) you’re offering two.
Best of luck.
I look wistfully at MARE all the time. :) I’ve seen at least one child’s profile on there where the boy preferred two dads. As a foster parent in Mass, I can say from my own experience that DCF is very inclusive of our families here. It’s important for people considering foster adoption to be aware that many of the children available for public adoption have been through a great deal of trauma and loss and may have special emotional needs because of it, so being sensitive to gender history and other factors is important to finding a match that will truly work for a child. Of course, sometimes things are hit-or-miss depending on the social worker, but kids have a pretty good shot at finding the right family here- not just a “traditional” one.