Gay Dads Show Increased Self-Esteem, Career Sacrifice After Kids

Hot on the heels of new research findings about lesbian moms comes a study just in time for Father’s Day about gay dads and their transition to parenthood.

The fathers, the study finds, “are in many ways very similar to parents from different family structures in their transition to parenthood.” Like others, they experience “economic changes, employment of child care assistance, housing changes, domestic activities, and changes in travel priorities.”

The big difference between this group and non-LGBT fathers, broadly speaking?

Just like the lesbian moms studied by Dr. Nanette Gartrell, Dr. Abbie Goldberg, and others, and the gay dads in a few different studies, “many of these gay fathers negotiated their career prospects downward and focused on their parenting responsibilities as being primary, at least for the time being while their children were so young. . . . This is in sharp contrast to heterosexual fathers, who often augment their work hours and career commitments after having children.”

The study was done by Kim Bergman of Growing Generations, a surrogacy agency in Los Angeles, and Ritchie J. Rubio, Robert-Jay Green, and Elena Padrón of the Rockway Institute at the California School of Professional Psychology, Alliant International University, San Francisco. The results appeared in the latest issue of the Journal of GLBT Family Studies. The researchers questioned one partner in each of 40 couples through hour-long interviews in person or by phone. They asked about the impact of parenthood on work and career changes, lifestyle issues, couple, family and friendship experiences, and self-esteem and self-care.

One finding was that parenthood lead to a shift in social interactions. Gay dads were likely to socialize more with straight parents than they did prior to having kids, because straight parents were the ones most frequently found in their children’s environment (playgroups, day care, schools, etc.) The gay dads also made an effort to seek out other gay families, though.

Not only that, but most of the dads said they had closer relationships with their family of origin and greater recognition as a couple after having kids. They also often had better relationships  with coworkers because of the “shared parenting experience.”

Parenting also raised the men’s self-esteem: “Almost all of the fathers ‘valued themselves more’ now that they were parents. Most fathers felt proud and positive about being parents.”

The study is just a starting point, however, and the authors acknowledge that. The men who volunteered for the study are predominantly white, with an average annual household income of $270,000. The median age of the children was one year and ten months. The researchers note that their conclusions may not be generalizable to gay dads in other socioeconomic, racial, or ethnic groups, or to those who adopt children. They also note that their sample size is fairly small. They suggest replication of their study as well as comparative studies with a matched sample of heterosexual parents who used surrogacy.

Previous studies of lesbian moms also provide ideas for future studies of gay dads, including a look at how they divide child care and work responsibilities, their growing visibility as gay fathers, and the developmental outcomes of the children longitudinally. The researchers would also like to explore “the unique psychological issues that surround surrogacy arrangements,” including how the biological connection with one dad, and the degree of contact with the surrogate and/or the egg donor, affect family dynamics—again, taking a cue from studies of lesbian bio and non-bio moms and sperm donors.

I did raise an eyebrow at one of the conclusions, but I think it is a matter of wording more than substance. The authors write:

However, this group of gay fathers is unique in their efforts to rework traditional ideologies of being a father; expand their relationships to include children; model a same-sex-headed family that involves genetic connection to their children; challenge cultural stereotypes about the necessity of a mother for healthy child outcomes; and raise their families challenged by homophobia and often inadequate legal protections.

“Unique” is a word that shouldn’t be used carelessly. I imagine that gay men who adopt are also “[reworking] traditional ideologies of being a father,” and “[challenging] cultural stereotypes about the necessity of a mother for healthy child outcomes.” Many lesbian families involve genetic connections, as do families with gay dads who have kids from a previous straight relationship, and all deal with homophobia and inadequate legal protections.

Still, this is a useful study even if it is only a starting point. Gay dads, I believe, face even more barriers than lesbian moms in stepping into parenting, a realm long dominated by women. The more we understand about gay dads, the more I think we will realize what the study above shows: good parenting is less about gender than about dedication and love.