A Baker’s Dozen of Books About Adoption by LGBTQ Parents

• Adoption, Books for Kids, Books for Parents

In Our Mothers' HouseIt’s National Adoption Day, so I’m celebrating by sharing a baker’s dozen of books about LGBTQ parents and adoption—children’s books, memoirs, and social science studies.

Children’s Books

  • Felicia’s Favorite Story, by Lesléa Newman, is about a girl who loves to hear her moms tell her about when they adopted her from Guatemala.
  • In Our Mothers’ House, by Patricia Polacco, is a gentle tale about the treasures of everyday life and growing up, told through the eyes of an adopted Black girl with two White moms, Asian American brother, and White sister. The story includes one prejudiced neighbor who says to the mothers, “I don’t appreciate what you two are.” Meema explains, “She is full of fear…. She’s afraid of what she cannot understand. She doesn’t understand us.” That is well put, but may still leave children wondering what exactly is not understandable. Parents may want to have fuller explanations ready in case of questions. The story ends with the mothers growing old and being buried next to each other. It is a fitting closure, but parents should consider whether younger children will be frightened by the thought of parents dying.
  • A Tale of Two Mommies, by Vanita Oelschlager, does not state that the family is adoptive, but it’s clear the moms are White and their son is Black, which strongly implies it (although it’s possible they used a Black sperm donor). There’s no plot to speak of, but on each spread a child outside the family asks what life is like with two moms. One asks, “Who’s your mom for climbing a tree? Who’s your mom when you scrape your knee?” to which the reply is, “Momma helps me climb a tree. Both moms help when I skin my knee.”
  • How My Family Came to Be: Daddy, Papa and Me, by Andrew Aldrich, is the loving and sometimes funny story of a Black boy’s adoption by two White dads, starting with their preparations for a social worker’s visit.
  • Todd Parr’s We Belong Together: A Book About Adoption and Families shows both same-sex and opposite-sex parents in its simple, colorful pictures of adoptive families. The text is a series of paired phrases like, “We belong together because . . . you needed a home, and I had one to share,” and “We belong together because . . . you needed someone to say ‘I love you,’ and we had love to give.” Response to the book among online reviewers was mixed. Many liked the focus on the parents’ and children’s feelings rather than the mechanics of adoption. Others felt the phrasing made it seem like the children were passive and “needy.” I think the end of the book makes it clear that adoptive parents and their children each have something to share with the other—but you should evaluate it for yourself.
  • [Updated to add:] Megan Dowd Lambert’s Real Sisters Pretend, the story of Tayja and Mia, two sisters whose imaginations soar as they play pretend—turning their living room in to a setting for becoming mountain climbing princesses. What they don’t have to pretend, however, the older Tayja tells Mia, is that they are sisters. Tayja, who is Black, then relates the stories of their adoptions to Mia, who is White, possibly Latina. “Some people don’t know that,” Mia reminds Tayja, and they recount the story of a woman at the grocery store who asked “Are you real sisters?” Their Momma told them that the woman “didn’t understand about adoption.” Mia joyously responds, “But we do,” and the two go on with their princess game.

Memoirs

  • American Family: Things Racial, by Stacy Cusulos and Barbara Waugh. A wrenching, must-read memoir of the two White women’s adoption and raising of their Black daughter and son from infancy to adulthood, and a hard look at the very personal effects of systemic racism and homophobia in our country today.
  • Waiting for the Call: From Preacher’s Daughter to Lesbian Mom, by Jacqueline Taylor, tells of her and her partner adopting two girls from Peru. An insightful, compassionate story about coming out, motherhood, and faith.
  • The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant, by advice columnist and “It Gets Better” founder Dan Savage has a blunt, sarcastic style and sometimes crude humor that won’t be to everyone’s liking. The memoir is also more political than any of the others here—no surprise to those who read Savage’s blog. For those who take him with a few grains of salt, however, his story of starting a family through open adoption is wonderfully funny tale with an undercurrent of love and parental dedication. It’s also one of the earliest LGBT parenting memoirs, first published in 1999.
  • Does This Baby Make Me Look Straight?: Confessions of a Gay Dad, by actor Dan Bucatinsky (Scandal), is another hilarious tale involving open adoption. Mostly, though, it is a romp through his children’s first few years on the planet, covering topics that will make any parent both smile and wince with familiarity: children’s bodily functions, keeping romance alive, competition between partners and other parents, and embarrassing travel incidents. To limit the scope of this hysterically funny, often bawdy, and unexpectedly touching book to gay parenting alone is to miss its universalality—even if the book also contains some supremely sharp observations about being both gay and a parent.
  • Queerly Beloved: A Love Story Across Genders, by Diane and Jacob Anderson-Minshall, is not exclusively about parenting, but about Jacob’s gender transition more broadly and its impact on them as a couple. Along the way they become foster parents, however, and a section of the book explores how this experience shaped them as well.

Social Science Studies

  • Adoption by Lesbians and Gay Men: A New Dimension in Family Diversity, edited by David Brodzinsky and Adam Pertman, brings together experts across several disciplines—social welfare, psychology, sociology, and law—to provide a picture of this “rapidly growing new family form.” It summarizes our knowledge of lesbian and gay adoptive families, contributes to it, and points out directions for future research, education, and policy changes. It is an academic book, not a light read, but should become an invaluable reference for adoption professionals, researchers, policy makers, advocates, and lawyers.
  • Gay Dads: Transitions to Adoptive Fatherhood, by Dr. Abbie Goldberg, associate professor of psychology at Clark University, is an examination of gay couples before and just after they adopt children. While written in part for an academic audience, the book is nevertheless extremely accessible for lay readers. Gay dads (and prospective gay dads), as well as adoption providers, social workers, and lawyers, among others, will find much of value in it.
  • Adoption Nation: How the Adoption Revolution is Transforming Our Families—and America, by Adam Pertman, is LGBTQ-inclusive but not LGBTQ-specific. It chronicles the struggle of adoptive parents and their children over the last decades for greater acceptance, openness, and a broader definition of family. This is a must-read for adoptive parents, potential parents, and adults who were adopted as children—but I recommend it for all LGBTQ parents because of the parallels between our challenges and those of even non-LGBTQ adoptive parents. May it inspire us to build bridges.
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