A thoughtful and practical new guide is intended to help all parents understand gender identity and expression, have healthy conversations with their children about gender, and create an affirming environment, whether their children are transgender, cisgender, nonbinary, gender expansive, or questioning.
Tavi Hawn is a licensed clinical social worker and a transgender, nonbinary, Two Spirit Native person, who has worked with gender-expansive children and transgender kids, teens, and adults for more than 12 years. They have written The Gender Identity Guide for Parents: Compassionate Advice to Help Your Child Be Their Most Authentic Self (Rockridge Press) for parents with children of any genders, with a focus on children who have not yet reached puberty (though there are some resources for teens).
Part I of the book covers basics about what gender identity is, introducing terminology and asking readers to unlearn the idea that there are only two sexes and two genders, and noting that we can’t assume a child’s gender based on visual anatomy. It looks at gender identity development, the difference between gender identity and expression, and reminds us “It’s so important for parents to model gender-affirming behaviors and celebration of all identities.”
Part II offers broad parenting strategies and invites parents to look deeply at their own beliefs and experiences while also learning to listen and be patient with their children, with the goal of establishing open and honest communication. (While Hawn presents this information with an eye to gender, it seems applicable to a wide range of topics.)
Part III looks at specific ways to affirm children’s gender identity and expression, always following the child’s lead. Hawn includes information on preparing for puberty and explains how gender dysphoria differs from the discomfort and awkwardness that many cisgender children feel at puberty. They cover things parents should consider if their child is going to socially transition, but most of the section is valuable for parents of cisgender children as well. For example, they advise, “You can trust your child’s internal sense of self and intuition about who they are, while giving room for exploration, play, and trying out different terms, labels, or expressions,” while also reminding readers, “Being gender expansive or transgender isn’t an emergency or a problem to be fixed. Like any aspect of a person, it’s something to be celebrated and appreciated.” And they assert, “All kids, whether cisgender, gender-expansive, or transgender, can benefit when the adults around them are able to simply observe without making assumptions about their gender.”
Throughout this section, Hawn uses specific examples of families (which are presumably anonymized or created as composites of families she has worked with) to introduce the various topics. These families represent a variety of family structures (including queer ones) and cultural backgrounds. Hawn also offers useful, bullet-pointed strategies and takeaways at the end of each chapter to reinforce the main points and give readers actionable ideas.
Part IV answers frequently asked questions from parents about gender identity and expression, raising gender-expansive or transgender children, and more, based on their work with real clients.
I do not have the personal identity or experience to assess the value of this book for parents with transgender or gender expansive children—my guess is that it is very useful, but you shouldn’t take my word on that. As a cisgender parent with a (now grown) cisgender son, however, I would definitely have found it valuable for approaching these topics with him when he was younger. I appreciate that Hawn aims the book at parents with children of any gender identity, reinforcing the message that these are lessons any parent needs to know. Every child has a gender identity, and will thrive best when parents can support them in it or help them to navigate as they find their way. All children can also benefit from the breaking down of gender stereotypes and traditional gender roles. And even if our own children are not transgender or gender expansive, it is likely that at some point in their lives, perhaps very early, they will know someone who is. We as parents can best support them in their personal growth and social interactions if we have an inclusive, nonbinary understanding of gender identity and expression and are able to discuss it with them. This book can help us develop those skills. (Books aimed specifically at parents of trans and gender expansive children are valuable, too, of course, but there are already a number of these; it is nice to see a different approach as well.)
Compassionate, clear, thoughtful, and practical, this is a guide that many parents (plus educators and health care professionals) should value.
