A recent study has found that children of gay dads in families formed by surrogacy function better and have fewer behavior problems than those with heterosexual parents—but let’s not take this to mean that gay dads are “better” parents, much as we might like to do so. Here’s why.
The Study
The study’s authors, in Belgium, the U.S., and Italy, say that few previous studies have explored the behavioral adjustment of children born to gay fathers via surrogacy. They therefore compared 67 European gay father families formed via surrogacy with 67 European heterosexual- (and presumably cis-) parent families formed via unassisted conception, all with children aged 1.5–10 years. The two family groups were matched for child age and gender.
The researchers looked at children’s behavior problems, positive coparenting, parenting styles (authoritarian, authoritative, permissive), task sharing between the parents, and couple relationship satisfaction. It also explored whether gay fathers’ perceptions of social support and family anti-gay discrimination were associated with any of the above.
The Results
Children of gay fathers had fewer externalizing problems (like aggression and rule-breaking) and internalizing problems (like anxiety and depression) than those of heterosexual parents. Gay fathers also reported “greater positive coparenting, more equal sharing of childcare tasks, and greater satisfaction with task sharing” and showed greater authoritative parenting (the most generally favorable style), lower permissive parenting, and greater couple relationship satisfaction.
Anti-gay microaggressions experienced by gay fathers, however, were associated with “more child behavior problems, less positive coparenting, and less social support from friends and families of origin.” The authors suggest that various forms of family therapy and support programs could help alleviate effects of the microaggressions.
The Reasons
Why did the gay dads score better in the areas they did? Gay dads who used surrogacy, the authors say, “are extremely motivated to have children, financially successful, and capable of bringing complex plans to fruition.” Other studies have found that gay dads tend to spend more time with their children than do dads in heterosexual couples, and this may lead to children having fewer behavioral problems. And a more favorable financial environment is also associated with fewer child behavior problems. (I’ll quickly add that this study is focusing on gay dad families that have used surrogacy, and are thus likely to be better off financially—but it’s a myth that all gay dad families are well off; many live in poverty.)
Gay dads’ greater satisfaction with coparenting, task sharing, and their couple relationship may also be attributed to the more flexible division of labor in same-sex-headed households, something other studies have also shown, say the researchers, who note, “Gay fathers (and lesbian mothers) may be less likely to conform to traditional gender roles and more likely to be voluntarily involved in child caregiving.”
Drawing Conclusions
The authors say that their results support previous research in refuting concerns about the psychological adjustment of children raised by gay fathers. Therefore, “prohibitions against surrogacy for gay males seem entirely based on prejudice, with no basis in social science research.” That to me is the main takeaway here.
Additionally, though, they say their results show that “the children of gay fathers via surrogacy seem to function better, on average, than the children of heterosexual parents”—and this is the finding that I’ve seen emphasized in the other news sources that have covered the research. While the finding seems valid, let’s not run with it too far.
We’ve seen similar findings again and again and again and again and again and again and again (and probably even more) with regard to children of queer parents. As I’ve stressed many times before, though, let’s not erroneously think that such results mean that queer parents are objectively “better” than heterosexual ones. We each have different strengths, and parenting isn’t a competition. Playing “who’s better” is unfair to us as individuals—and more importantly, to our kids—as it sets a standard that any given person may or may not achieve. Are kids with heterosexual parents to be pitied because they don’t have the “better” type of parent? Of course not; people used to say that about queer parents (and some still do), but it’s a ridiculous proposition either way.
As Dr. Abbie Goldberg, one of the leading researchers on LGBTQ families, told me back in 2009 about her book Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children: Research on the Family Life Cycle:
It is interesting that the media has suggested that the “take-home message” of my book is that gay parents are “better.” In fact, I would not make such a generalized statement—just as I would never say that heterosexual parents are ‘better’ (and nor should anyone else, in my opinion). Rather, the take-home message is that sexual orientation per se does not have much to do with one’s ability to parent, and the similarities between lesbian/gay and heterosexual parents outweigh the differences. Yes, there are some differences, and some could be interpreted as favoring same-sex couples ON AVERAGE—but it is important to emphasize that many of the characteristics that make (some) same-sex parents “special” (e.g., encouraging flexibility with regards to gender roles; engaging in a great deal of thoughtful preparation before becoming parents) also occur in some heterosexual parents.
The researchers of the current study similarly note that aside from the issue of having to deal with anti-gay microaggressions (my emphasis):
The dynamics of gay father families seem very similar to those of heterosexual families. Better functioning was associated with more authoritative, less authoritarian, and less permissive parenting styles; a more positive coparenting relationship; and more couple relationship satisfaction.
Let’s take this, then, as an opportunity for families of many types to share learnings. The children of queer parents may do better in some ways because of certain practices (such as a more equal sharing of parental and household responsibilities or a more flexible attitude towards gender), and these should be touted as “best practices” that all parents can learn from and from which all children can benefit.
I know that much of the impetus for wanting to shout “LGBTQ parents are better!” comes from decades of being told that LGBTQ parents are worse. But isn’t “All parents can learn from each other, and here’s what LGBTQ parents have to offer” a more inclusive approach? And isn’t inclusion what it’s all about?
The study is “European gay fathers via surrogacy: Parenting, social support, anti-gay microaggressions, and child behavior problems,” Family Process, 00, 1–24, by Salvatore D’Amore, Robert-Jay Green, Benedicte Mouton, and Nicola Carone.
If you want a little more detail on some of the limitations of the study, I’ve gone into that below.
Some Limitations
There are always limitations in social science. In this study, the participants were not a random sample. The gay fathers were recruited through European surrogacy agencies, fertility clinics, and LGBTQ family organizations; the heterosexual parents were recruited via mailed flyers and Facebook posts, and through “snowball sampling,” where participants are asked to recruit others. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but should caution us against making overly sweeping conclusions.
Furthermore, while most of the gay-dad families lived in France, most of the heterosexual families lived in Luxembourg. Additionally, nearly 93% of the heterosexual participants were mothers. The researchers note the possibility that a differing country of origin or “the conflation of parent gender and caregiving role in the two types of families” could have impacted the results, but they feel that their participants “seemed reasonably representative of their respective populations in the general population.” All of the parents in the study, gay and straight, identified as primary caregivers, so at least that was consistent.
The researchers also say that because this study compared gay-dad families formed via surrogacy with heterosexual families formed via unassisted conception, it did not look at “the effects of parental gender and sexual orientation separately from the method of conception.” At the same time, they note that for heterosexual families, surrogacy is often a “last resort” after unsuccessful infertility treatment, whereas for gay men, it is often a first choice, so comparisons of gay and heterosexual families formed via surrogacy would be “difficult to interpret.”
Finally, the study used parental reporting to describe child behavior problems and other variables. While the researchers say that an earlier study found that gay parents did not underreport their children’s behavior problems, they also say that future studies should also include input from teachers and other outside observers as well as from both parents. That makes a lot of sense to me.