A new study from Pew Research interviewed 30 same-sex parents raising kids to learn more about their lives, challenges, and supports. The results underscore the varied experiences of queer families.
“Same-Sex Parents Raising Kids” is part of Pew’s broader efforts to explore the experiences of LGBTQ adults and their families in the United States. The authors note, however, that their interviews “were not designed to be representative of all LGBTQ parents or all adults with a same-sex spouse or partner.” They are instead individual stories that together “provide a glimpse into the lives of same-sex couples raising kids”—and indeed, these stories reflect many of the experiences I’ve observed among same-sex-parented families, including my own.
The study looked at paths to parenthood, financial and legal obstacles to forming families, parental approaches and responsibilities, and how parents are “navigating conversations with their kids about how their family structure may look different from other families.” It also asked the interviewees about their relationships with parents, siblings, extended family, and friends; the level of acceptance they found in their communities; the types of stigma they have experienced; and their engagement with the broader LGBTQ community.
The answers to these questions revealed a range of experiences, reminding us that same-sex parents are not a monolith. While that may seem obvious, I think that sometimes, both within and outside the LGBTQ community, we assume a certain commonality of queer experience that isn’t always there, or that may vary by gender, identity within the LGBTQ spectrum, other intersectional identities, and/or geographic location. While this study didn’t delve into those levels of detail, it did showcase the fact that our experiences can differ.
Many of the parents “talked about how their experiences raising a family are just like anyone else’s,” however, even as some shared particular challenges. Some expressed difficulties with unsupportive extended family, or encountered misconceptions about and exclusion of their family in the wider world. Some unsurprisingly expressed a desire for greater acceptance and protected rights for LGBTQ people, and some wished for “more accessible and affordable family planning options.” Many worried about the negative impact of new state and federal policies and legislation.
Yet I commend the study’s authors for not just looking at the challenges for same-sex parents, but also at their sources of support and connection. Many of the parents spoke of how their own parents, siblings, and extended family supported their relationships and their children, and many “painted a picture of their immediate neighborhood as friendly and welcoming.” Many used social media to connect with other LGBTQ families. Some participated regularly in LGBTQ community events, or said their participation and advocacy had grown since they became parents, while others said the broader LGBTQ community “doesn’t really play a large role in their lives.”
None of our experiences are identical, but in looking at the experiences of others, we can find points of commonality or contrast that can make us feel less alone, prompt new ways of thinking and doing, and help us to better support others in turn. While the Pew study only looks at a portion of the LGBTQ parenting community, it nevertheless shines a light there that may be useful both to those within it and to advocates, policymakers, and to others seeking to better understand and support us.