Today is National Coming Out Day, and as many of us queer parents know, coming out is not always a simple matter of finding the courage, but of balancing our needs and those of our children. Here are my thoughts, plus some resources for LGBTQ parents going through the process.
There’s no one-size-fits-all solution to the question of whether to come out. We must value our own mental health and ability to live authentically—and modeling that for our children is important. I have heard many stories over the years from LGBTQ people for whom parenthood was a motivator to come out more widely, in order to help children feel proud of their families and their selves. For myself, I was widely out before I was a parent, but parenthood meant being out to people I would never have shared anything with, about my queerness or otherwise, as I explained in a piece last year. It was sometimes awkward and occasionally hilarious, but I was lucky.
With dozens of U.S. states still lacking protections for LGBTQ people in housing, credit, and public accommodations, however, and employment discrimination still existing despite the law, coming out may jeopardize our financial security and ability to put food on the table. That means making some tough decisions. Can we be we ourselves at home? At our children’s school functions? In our neighborhood? What is the risk of running into colleagues and bosses? And how do we respond if our children inadvertently out us with a “Mommy and Mama, look at this!” in the supermarket, or call us by a parental title that doesn’t match our gender expression, or use pronouns for us that flag us as queer?
These are questions many of us continue to grapple with, particularly as the political climate becomes even more anti-LGBTQ and especially anti-trans. I wish I had answers, but since every family’s situation is different, each must do what feels right for them. Just know that no matter your choice, you are not alone.
Additionally, as I’ve written before, coming out as a parent means also being aware of our children’s feelings. Regardless of their sexual orientation and gender identity, they have their own journey of coming out about their families. Sometimes they will want to be more out about their families than we are comfortable with; sometimes less. As with so much of parenting, the key is communication.
Parents of LGBTQ children have a coming out process, too; as Jamie Bruesehoff writes at Out, “National Coming Out Day is an opportunity to begin showing up for your child, providing them with what they need to thrive, and affirming who they know themselves to be.”
Her 18-year-old daughter Rebekah adds that her parents’ “loving actions formed the way I see the world,” and she asserts, “On National Coming Out Day, I want you to know you can lay that kind of foundation for the LGBTQ young people in your life by taking the time to learn from their experiences.”
In the current era, coming out is more important than ever, even as it carries renewed risk. Those of us who are able to be out in a more public way should do so for those who cannot, lending our voices and our presence to changing hearts, minds, and public policy.
Rainbows are made of visible light. The more of us who are visible, the more our collective rainbow will shine. Of course, the spectrum of light includes wavelengths beyond the perception of the human eye; similarly, the LGBTQ spectrum contains many people who are not visible. We should never presume to know another person’s reasons for remaining invisible as an LGBTQ person in some or all of their life. (Or, at the risk of stretching the analogy, their reasons for being detectable only by those tuned to a usually invisible wavelength.) But if we personally can share our light with the world, then perhaps we can help dispel some of the darkness of these troubling times.
I’ve shared some of these thoughts before in slightly varied form; this is how I’m feeling about them at the current moment in time. My experience is hardly the only one, however; below are some additional readings and resources, particularly for those coming out when their kids are older.
Additional Resources
- For coming out about sexual identity, start with “Coming Out to Your Child (PDF),” from Family Equality and COLAGE.
- For coming out about gender identity, start with, “Going from “Daddy” to “Mommy”: What Will I Tell My Kids?” by Trystan Reese.
- “How LGBTQ parents can handle coming out to their children,” by Lauren Rowello in the Washington Post, offers advice from a therapist who works with LGBTQ families and from parents who have come out as gay, bi, or trans to their kids.
- “Tips For Coming Out To Your Kids,” from Curve magazine, offers tips on coming out as a lesbian, as trans, and as polyamorous.
- HRC’s Coming Out resources, while not specific to parents, are nevertheless helpful.
Stories and Profiles
- Several recent memoirs are about coming out after a heterosexual marriage and kids:
- The Only Way Through Is Out, by Suzette Mullen (University of Wisconsin Press)
- Late Bloomer: Finding My Authentic Self at Midlife, by Melissa Giberson (She Writes Press)
- Perfectly Queer: Facing Big Fears, Living Hard Truths, and Loving Myself Fully Out of the Closet, by Jillian Abby (Hay House)
- The Fixed Stars, by Molly Wizenberg (Harry N. Abrams)
- “How Coming Out As Queer Changed My Relationship With My Kids,” by Almaz Ohene, profiles three queer parents about their experiences coming out later in life, after heterosexual marriages.
- In “LGBTQ+ People Who Came Out After Having Kids Are Sharing Their Experience, And It’s Eye-Opening,” at Buzzfeed, 14 people share their experiences of coming out as gay, lesbian, and bi. (One has a trans spouse.)
- “How Do Bi Parents Come Out to Their Kids?” by Lux Alptraum at Self, gives advice from several bi parents, including one in an intact two-mom relationship who simply wants her daughter to know more about who she (the mom) is.
- “Coming Out to My Kid Helped Me Come Out to Myself,” writes Aubrey Hirsch, a bi mom, at Time.
- “I came out as trans when my kids were toddlers. It completely changed how I parent,” says Piers Kowalski in an essay at Insider.