For LGBTQ History Month, I want to share a favorite quote from one of the first books for and about queer people starting families. It speaks to the long history that we today inherit. Read on for the expanded quote and some background.
The quote is from Cheri Pies’s Considering Parenthood: A Workbook for Lesbians. First published in 1985 by the lesbian feminist press Spinsters Ink, and updated in 1988, it was one of the first guidebooks for queer people hoping to start a family. Pies was well aware that despite the lack of resources for lesbian and other queer people at the time, she was part of a long tradition—and that’s what makes her words so appropriate for LGBTQ History Month. Here’s how she explained things:
But let us not forget that there have always been lesbian mothers. I am often reminded of those who came before us, who became parents while in heterosexual relationships. They fought for their children and their sexuality, and have made it possible for us to consider parenting today. Many of us have been raised by grandmothers, mothers, aunts, or sisters who were lesbians but were unable to share the depth of that secret with anyone. Many women who were lesbians chose to get married to have children because that was the only way they knew to bring children into their lives, despite what may have been their primary sexual preference. These women paved a path down which others of us are now walking, blazing new trails of our own with few role models and many difficult turns.
Now, thanks to our own cunning and know-how, we can have children as we choose…. As a lesbian considering whether to be a parent, you are not alone. You are part of a movement of women which continues to grow, supporting the right of any woman to choose whether she wants to be a parent.
Connected to a long history; part of a growing movement and a hopeful future. That’s inspiration that continues to resonate.
Pies’s book evolved from her work in the 1970s as a health educator for Planned Parenthood, where she was running workshops for straight women contemplating motherhood, and from her own experience becoming a co-parent in 1978 with her then-partner. With little guidance, and few other lesbian parents to turn to for support, Pies realized that she and other lesbians considering parenthood could also benefit from group workshops, she explained in the book’s introduction.
She and another (unnamed) woman held their first group in Pies’ living room in the fall of 1978 and 25 women attended, attracted by fliers put up in the nearby women’s bookstore and other local meeting points for queer women. By the time of the book’s publication, more than 300 women had taken part in Pies’s groups, and about 15% had decided to have children. (The rest were either undecided or had chosen not to.)
Considering Parenthood offered information not only on how to start a family, but on critical related topics like making the decision to parent in the first place; building a support network; interacting with one’s family of origin; work and money issues; maintaining a healthy relationship with one’s partner; being a nonbiological mother; single parenting; disabled lesbians considering parenthood; considering another child; and choosing not to parent. With practical tips, numerous questions to ask oneself and/or one’s partner, and plenty of quotes drawn from the hundreds of lesbians Pies had worked with, much of the book feels startlingly relevant today, even though some of the terminology is dated (like “sexual preference”) and many of the legal details have changed. Today’s crop of books on queer parenthood stand on Pies’ shoulders and that of other early books like Joy Schulenberg’s Gay Parenting (also published in 1985)—and many people owe their families (or their existence) to her work.
For more about Pies and her legacy, read my In Memoriam piece from when she died in 2023. If you’d like to read Considering Parenthood, you can do so free online at Open Library.