Carolyn Hays’ memoir is not the first by a parent of a transgender child, but it is arguably one of the best, written by an internationally published author using a pseudonym to protect her daughter’s identity. The book opens with a knock on the door by a caseworker from the Department of Children and Families, there to investigate an anonymous complaint that they were abusing their transgender child by supporting her as the girl that she is—a complaint that could result in them losing custody of her. The knock was a turning point in their lives, but Hays kept the full truth of it from her daughter at the time, afraid of scaring her. Now her daughter is 13, and Hays feels she deserves the “brutal truths” about this—along with “the beautiful truths” of her story as well. “This telling is my attempt to put it together for you. Imperfect, limited, and awash in love,” she writes.
This approach means the book is more than just a memoir. Written as a missive to her daughter, Hays not only tells their family story but also weaves in reflections and information about gender, motherhood, girlhood, privilege, representation, trans history, and social justice. It is both memoir and guidebook, filled with fierce, protecting love. It is, however, not just a book of lessons Hays wants to teach her daughter, but also in many ways a letter of gratitude for all the lessons her daughter has taught her. Whether you are familiar with the challenges of being the parent of a transgender child in the United States today or looking to learn more, you will likely be left breathless by how deftly Hays brings these strands together and how, despite the challenges that they faced, she manages to fill the story with hope and inspiration.
Some of the most powerful passages come when Hays writes of her Catholic faith, not just to show the struggles she encountered with the Church over accepting her daughter, but also to show how her faith has (perhaps surprisingly) been reaffirmed by her daughter’s gender identity. She notes that the Church is willing to accept “neurology, endocrinology, and genetics in forming gender identity,” but yet, “They drop it when it gets complex, and therefore rich and dynamic and mysterious—in other words, when it really shines with the artistry of God’s design.” She tells her daughter, “There is God in you, and you are proof of God’s intricate, complex, rich, and beautiful design.” Those who simplify gender to male and female are “reductive about God’s design” and “ignore the astounding, awe-inspiring beauty of His work. It’s snubbing God. In our house, we don’t snub God.”
In the promotional materials for the book, Hays says, “I wrote this book for my daughter; but we’re allowing this book to be published because stories like ours need to be known and understood. This book is my attempt to humanize our experience within a culture that is actively trying to dehumanize so many different groups of people. This is a personal story that has become very political.” This book feels like a vital read for any parent of a trans child, for anyone involved in advocacy or policy related to transgender people, and even for trans young adults themselves. At the same time, Hays shows how her support and advocacy for her daughter comes deeply from her role as a parent, offering lessons on parenting, love, hope, and self-discovery that go far beyond trans-related topics. Everyone should read this book.
Don’t just take my (cisgender) word for it, though. No less a luminary than Jennifer Finney Boylan, bestselling author, parent, and a trans woman, called it “searing, haunting, and inspiring” in a promotional blurb. And actor Tommy Dorfman, also a trans woman, said, “I wish my parents had access to these words, stories, and beautiful thoughts while raising me.”
Highly recommended.
The book is intended in part to interest grown-up readers, but since it was also written for Hays’ teen daughter, may interest young adult readers as well.
