An informative and inclusive guide to starting a family, written by two queer “millennial midwives” with extensive experience in queer and nontraditional family building.
Authors Marea Goodman and Ray Rachlin smartly begin by noting that the information in the book isn’t new—it’s what queer and solo parents have been figuring out for generations. Their book is an attempt to pass on some of this collective knowledge, “but also a celebration of the amazing families our communities create.”
In the introduction, they each share about their own journeys as midwifes and queer parents, proof of both their medical expertise and the deeply personal motivation for this volume. The book, they say, is for queer couples hoping to become moms or dads; solo parents; poly families; and even trans teens about to start hormone therapy and wondering if it will impact their future fertility.
Before diving into details of reproduction and fertility, however, they ask, “Why Do You Want to Be a Parent, Anyway?” and encourage prospective parents to get in touch with their hopes and intentions around parenting before proceeding. They note that while many queer and solo parents are required to bring intentionality to the process, this can actually be a benefit, giving us the opportunity to think things through ahead of time, to set our expectations and priorities, and to productively examine past traumas and current fears. They suggest questions and exercises to help you do so, and (as in all the chapters), sprinkle in anecdotes from a variety of queer and solo parents.
Subsequent chapters look at finding sperm, eggs, and uteruses if you need them; tracking and supporting your fertility; getting pregnant via various methods of insemination; fostering and adoption; being pregnant; miscarriage and infertility; legal considerations; building community resilience and support, and much more.
One chapter (edited by trans colleagues of the authors) also looks specifically at getting pregnant as a trans person, looking at topics like the impact of medical transition on fertility, finding support, going off hormone therapy in order to produce sperm or eggs for starting a family; banking sperm before starting hormone therapy; inducing lactation as a trans woman on feminizing hormones or a trans man after top surgery; and being pregnant as a trans person.
The book goes into a fair amount of physiological and medical detail about how everything works, but assumes no prior knowledge. Throughout, everything is viewed through a queer lens, which means the inclusion of important but often overlooked topics such as supporting yourself as the nongestational parent after your partner/spouse has had a miscarriage; talking to your families of origin about your family-building choices; or looking at how systemic discrimination may play a part in how we interact with medical and/or social service systems.
The language throughout is inclusive of all family structures and genders, and I particularly appreciate the authors’ repeated acknowledgment that “Queer people and single people have always been parents” and that “we stand on the shoulders of our queer ancestors.” I’ve long touted the lengthy history of queer parents for much the same reason.
The initial print edition of the book unfortunately contains a few errors with regard to securing one’s legal parentage, but I have been told these will be corrected in the digital version and future print editions. As always, you should consult an LGBTQ-competent lawyer in your state to double-check the legal information in any LGBTQ parenting book.
Nevertheless, on the physiological and emotional aspects of baby making, this is an excellent title, packed with information, real-life stories, and an affirming, inclusive approach that should make all queer and solo parents feel welcome.
