In Lora Liegel’s detailed personal memoir, she explores what starting a family felt like to her as a nonbiological mother, not always included in the social and legal processes of motherhood. She shares how this affected her as she and her spouse planned their family, as her spouse carried and gave birth to their child, as she sought to secure her legal connections to the child, and as she navigated early motherhood. Liegel also reflects on how growing up with a mother who was living with mental illness impacted her own feelings about parenthood.
The book is most successful when it delves into Liegel’s personal journey. Its overview of the legal situation for nonbiological parents, however, has a few gaps. Liegel writes of hoping that someday, second-parent adoptions would be available in all states or better yet, be unneeded—but concludes, “Until then, second parent adoption it is.” The fact is, though, that even though second-parent adoptions may not be available in every state, nonbiological parents may now obtain a stepparent adoption in every state, at least if they are married, since the U.S. Supreme Court’s landmark Obergefell decision in 2015. Liegel does explain that she wanted her paperwork to say say, “second parent adoption” not “step parent adoption” because “My son was not the product of a split relationship, but the creation of a joint vision.” I definitely understand her position, but would have appreciated clarification that at least there is an option for married nonbiological parents to secure their parentage in every state, even if they may not like the terminology. Additionally, nonbiological parents also have had the option (at least in some states) of getting a pre-birth parentage order (like I did in the early aughts) instead of a second-parent adoption. (More recently, too, Voluntary Acknowledgments of Parentage (VAPs) expand the options further in some states.) Nevertheless, Liegel’s description of her feelings as she went through the exhausting and often humiliating second-parent adoption process may help others to prepare and to know they are not alone, and that’s a valuable gift. (A copy editor might have been helpful, however.)
Liegel’s personal reflections will likely resonate with other nonbiological mothers, and this book adds to the small but growing collection of their narratives. Other nonbiological mothers may be heartened to know that someone else has gone through what they, too, may be experiencing in terms of both legal processes and emotions—and their spouses/partners may also benefit from viewing this perspective. And beyond any issues of nonbiological and biological parentage, many readers should appreciate Liegel’s descriptions of situations that any new parents might experience, such as dealing with the exhaustion of having an infant or trying to balance parenthood and a social life. Parenting is a journey, and memoirs like this can be useful guidebooks.
