In many ways, this book by Stephen Gross, a gay dad and leading brand creative executive for Disney and Mattel, is exactly the kind of book I wish I’d had as a new parent: a clear, no-frills guide that distills baby care to the essentials. I didn’t want to be a high-maintenance parent with a lot of gadgets I (and my baby) didn’t need. I didn’t want to wade through 600-page tomes covering every contingency. Luckily, this book is not that. From preparing for a baby to figuring out food, sleep, naps, poops, bathtime, playtime, travel, safety, common health problems, finding support, and dealing with your own stress, it covers just the key things most parents will need to know, through clear text (often bullet pointed), engaging infographics, and simple illustrations. Gross also includes his own “Daddy Hacks,” simple solutions he’s found for everyday baby problems.
Gross is listed as the lead author, but also credited are Jeremy F. Shapiro, MD, MPH, FAAP, and Gabriella Terhes Karlsson, Newborn Care Specialist/Doula/Sleep Trainer, so there’s some solid healthcare expertise as well as Gross’ own experience as a dad and his professional skills in clear communication.
I appreciate that on topics like sleep training, Gross offers short summaries of several different methods, rather than touting only one (though he then emphasizes his own “Simplest Baby Sleep Scheduling” method). And while he gives information on both cloth and disposable diapers, he rather blithely says “Cloth diapers are better for the environment,” when that still seems to be an open question, especially depending on which specific reusables or disposables one chooses. Nevertheless, he is aware that not every baby will act or develop in exactly the same way, and offers advice flexible enough to fit many situations.
While Gross is a gay dad, this is not a book specific to gay or even LGBTQ parents (though one image of a two-man couple is included). That’s not a criticism; it’s actually great that he didn’t feel pigeonholed into writing an LGBTQ-specific book, and great that non-LGTBQ readers may come to realize that most of parenting is the same, LGBTQ or not. (And there are other parenting guides that are LGBTQ specific if you want those.)
At the same time, I think that in this day and age, any parenting guide that purports to include LGBTQ people in its audience should use language that is inclusive of same-sex couples, nonbinary people, and transgender people. (I know this book is targeting LGBTQ folks, among others, since a publicist reached out to me about it, and I run this here LGBTQ parenting site.) Unfortunately, this book falls short in trans and nonbinary inclusion. Below are some sentences from the book, followed by my suggestions in italics of simple ways they could have been rewritten to be more inclusive:
- The Must-Haves for Breastfeeding
- The Must-Haves for Nursing
- “The decision to breastfeed or use formula is a personal one.”
- The decision to use human milk or formula is a personal one. [See this position statement from the Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine on inclusive lactation-related language.]
- “Breast milk is truly amazing.”
- Human milk is truly amazing.
- “There is no way for a woman to know ahead of time what her milk supply is going to be and how she will respond to a certain pump.”
- There is no way for someone who is lactating to know ahead of time what their milk supply is going to be and how they will respond to a certain pump.
- “Pump in the morning; moms tend to get the most milk at this time.”
- Pump in the morning, when milk supply is often the greatest.
- “When changing boys it’s a wise idea to place a wipe over his crotch or you might get a surprise shower. When wiping either poop or pee from girls’ genitals you should wipe from front to back to prevent a urinary tract infection.”
- If your baby has a penis, it’s a wise idea to place a wipe over their crotch or you might get a surprise shower. When wiping either poop or pee from a vulva, you should wipe from front to back to prevent a urinary tract infection.
- “Say how impressed you are that the child is drinking just like daddy or mommy.”
- Say how impressed you are that the child is drinking just like their parent. [This is not only inclusive of non-binary parents, but also of any parents who use parental titles other than “daddy” or “mommy,” like “mama,” “papa,” etc.]
These are not the only sentences that could use updating, but you get the idea.
The book also notes, “If you are a working father and your partner is at home taking care of the kids, then when you get home, you have to pitch in.” The same is true for working parents of all genders, of course. Historically, yes, straight, cisgender men have been the ones most in need of this lesson, but “If you are a working father (or any working parent)” would have made that point while also acknowledging families of other configurations.
Additionally, the book includes two spreads on taking care of a baby’s penis, both circumcised and uncircumcised, with diagrams, but no parallel information and diagram about taking care of a baby’s vulva (beyond the note about wiping, above).
Finally, on another note, the final section of the book is titled “Staying Sane.” Given that “insane” is a problematic, ableist term, and “staying sane” implies the idea of insanity, a better title would have been something like “Managing Stress.”
I recognize that the world at large is still on a learning curve when it comes to inclusive language, particularly around gender and parenting. I’m still learning myself. I mean these comments to be constructive, because the well-presented information in this engaging book really can benefit parents of all types.
