Melissa Etheridge likely needs no introduction. In this 2001 autobiography (revised in 2002), the Grammy Award-winning rocker and lesbian icon shares the story of her life from childhood through the release of her seventh album (Skin), her divorce from Julie Cypher, and the beginnings of her relationship with Tammy Lynn Michaels. Of most relevance for the audience here, several chapters are devoted to her and Julie’s decision to become parents, how they made that happen, how they navigated their eventual separation, and the impact of children on Etheridge’s life and outlook. The entire book, in fact, is dedicated to her two children at the time, Beckett and Bailey. (She later had two more with Michaels.)
It may be easy to forget, more than two decades later, just how little visibility there was for queer parents in the world at large in the late 90s, when Etheridge and Cypher had their children. Etheridge talks about the media interest in their family, particularly the question of who they used as their donor (whom she later revealed to be music legend David Crosby)—but even more interesting, and still relevant for two-mom families today, is her discussion of the personal decisions they made about what path to parenthood they would take, why they wanted a known donor, and which one of them would carry the child. “I knew that it didn’t matter to me one bit where our children came from, Julie’s body or mine,” she writes. “They would always be our children. The blood connection didn’t make a difference to me at all.”
She also offers much advice about parenting,noting, for example, “I began to understand that raising a child is as much about raising myself…. I wanted her to be whole. And to model that for her, I had to find the wholeness within myself.” And although the book includes many references to her A-list friends (including Ellen DeGeneres, Laura Dern, and Brad Pitt), it also shows that when it comes to parenting, we all have much in common. “Like most parents, having children was a lot harder than I think we thought it would be,” she remarks. Etheridge is also open about her own mistakes and failings (such as going on tour while Julie was pregnant), which make the book a cautionary tale as much as a guidebook.
Some moments do mark the book as of its time—the use of “sexual preference” rather than “sexual orientation [or identity],” or a photo of Etheridge reading a book titled Husband Coached Childbirth. (There are now more inclusive books; try The Birth Partner: A Complete Guide to Childbirth for Dads, Partners, Doulas, and All Other Labor Companions (5th Edition) Why Did No One Tell Me This?: The Doulas’ (Honest) Guide for Expectant Parents, or What’s in a Name? Perspectives from Non-Biological and Non-Gestational Queer Mothers.) Nevertheless, for anyone interested in the life of this icon, in how queer families were perceived at the turn of the millennium, or simply in seeing how one family handled its decisions around parenthood and parenting, together and after separation, this remains a compelling read.
