A thoughtful memoir about one woman’s experience raising twins, one boy and one transgender girl.
Author Kate Brookes was excited to be raising two boys. By the time they were 8 years old, however, it had become clear to her and her husband Mike that one was really a transgender girl. When their child—eventually to pick the name Gabriella—realized this herself and came out to them, Brookes had already reached out to support groups and therapists; helped Gabriella pick out a new wardrobe and hairstyle; and tried as best she could to be supportive. The family decided to let her start fresh at a new school, where she would only ever be known as a girl.
Unlike some parents of trans children who have written previous memoirs, Brookes never struggled with her own denial of her trans child’s identity or with an unsupportive religious community. In fact, she finds much support in the Reform Jewish community to which her family belongs. Even so, in perhaps the best imaginable circumstances, societal biases and legal hurdles meant many challenges, such as whether, how much, and when to tell family, friends, school officials, and camp directors about Gabriella’s transition, or how much of their everyday family lives to share on social media.
And Gabriella’s twin Jacob had a lot of difficulty accepting Gabriella’s identity. He was teased at school about her even though he himself was resolutely into typically “boy” things, and he lashed out by refusing to use Gabriella’s new name and pronouns. Brookes writes with candor about navigating the hurdles, practical and emotional, that arose as their family attempted to help Gabriella be her authentic self and to continue being loving, responsible, supportive parents to both of their children.
She also weaves in broader information and anecdotes about transgender lives and rights in the U.S. during this time, in the shadow of the Trump presidency and growing anti-trans sentiment. This is primarily a personal tale, but being trans (or, I would add, any flavor of LGBTQ) in our contemporary world is a political act because of how our political system impinges upon trans (and LGBTQ) lives. Brookes makes this clear while still speaking from her own family’s experience.
“When one person transitions, the whole family transitions along with them,” a support group facilitator told them at one point, and this whole book is the story of how Brookes and her family did so. Not every parent of a trans child may make the same decisions she did, because every child and every family is different, yet Brooke’s thoughtful, non-proscriptive exploration of her thinking and her choices may help other families of trans children make the decisions that are right for them. And for families without trans children, as well as teachers, counselors, clergy members, and others who may know trans children and their families, this book offers insights that may help them become better allies.
