Aimed at both LGBTQ+ prospective parents and new parents, as well as professionals working with them (doctors, nurses, midwives, doulas, social workers, lactation consultants, etc.), this inclusive guide will be valuable to any LGBTQ person starting a family. Author B. J. Woodstein brings to bear her experience and skills as an academic, doula, and certified lactation consultant, as well as a queer mother of two children, to create a book both reassuring and informative.
Notably, We’re Here takes a broad view of who falls under the LGBTQ+ umbrella. Among the more than 40 first-person stories from LGBTQ+ people woven into the book are ones not only from people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender, but also from those who are polyamorous, asexual, and genderfluid—representation not always seen in LGBTQ parenting guides. She also uses language throughout that is inclusive of people of all genders in every role throughout the family creation process. For example, “If the people involved have the relevant body parts and want to have sex to create a baby, that is an option.” This inclusiveness is a breath of fresh air compared with many previous guides to LGBTQ parenting, which often assume a focus on cisgender same-sex couples.
Woodstein is based in the U.K., but much of her advice will be useful to LGBTQ+ parents anywhere; when she discusses legal and insurance matters, however, her focus is on the U.S. and U.K.
Woodstein nonjudgmentally discusses the many ways to start a family, whether through assisted reproduction (including surrogacy), adoption, sexual intercourse, or as a blended family, laying out the pros and cons of each method as well as at the decisions people will face within any given choice (e.g., known or unknown donor? fertilization at home or at a clinic? etc.) U.S. readers, however, will note a gap in regard to the different adoption options, since more are available in the U.S. (foster-to-adopt, domestic private adoptions, and international adoptions). There is also nothing about open adoption.
She offers helpful information on what to expect at birth and the immediate post-partum period, including both general issues for any parent and particular challenges LGBTQ parents might face, such as non-inclusive birth classes, difficult or complicated relationships with families of origin, obstacles when taking parental leave, the parental titles we use, and how to talk about our families with both our own children and the outside world.
She then turns to feeding, primarily nursing. In addition to discussing breastfeeding, Woodstein also has a section dedicated to chestfeeding/bodyfeeding, where she acknowledges the particular issues that nonbinary or trans people may feel while lactating, but emphasizes, “Remember that it is your body and your choice.” Additionally, she offers tips for parents who co-feed with another parent or parents.
A final section offers advice for allies and healthcare professionals on supporting LGBTQ+ families, which she sums up as “be respectful and kind,” but then expands with a closer look at terminology, assumptions, when it is and isn’t appropriate to ask questions, and learning from mistakes. Appendices offer further details on tracking ovulation; topics to discuss with a potential known gamete donor or surrogate; items to consider for a birth preferences document; what to put in a hospital bag (for pregnant person, partner, and baby); tips on handling nosy questions (with kind, blunt, and snarky suggested responses), and a list of some additional books and websites.
The book is as valuable for the questions it suggests readers ask themselves as for the information it provides, offering prospective parents a way to begin conversations and discover their own paths forward. While prospective adoptive parents (especially of older children) may want to look elsewhere for more details of adoption options, advice on helping an older child transition to a new home, and other adoption-specific topics, they may nevertheless appreciate the early chapters about queer parenting in general. And prospective parents unsure of which path to parenthood they want to take should find great value in Woodstein’s questions to ask themselves in this regard.
Woodstein also importantly offers context and assurance to readers, noting that “LGBTQ+ people have been parents for as long as there have been people in the world,” even if they haven’t always been able to do so as their authentic selves. Today, not only are there millions of children around the world with LGBTQ+ parents, but research shows they are doing just as well, and even have some advantages over those raised by heterosexual, cisgender people. “LGBTQ+ parenting looks different for each queer person and family,” she asserts, but with this helpful book, she offers them a way to bring the start of it into focus.
