Author Anastasia Higginbotham here tackles a difficult subject, but one that some children unfortunately face with few tools to help them: sexual assault by a family member. Higginbotham does not depict the violence, and addresses the subject “in the gentlest way I could imagine doing,” she tells readers in a letter at the beginning. Also, she is clear, “In this story, it stops. The abuse is not excused or allowed to continue.”
In the story itself, protagonist Dawn reveals that a favorite older cousin sexually assaulted her. In first-person narrative, she expresses her feelings, not just about the betrayal, but about how the assault has pushed tendrils into so many other aspects of her life. What will family gatherings be like? What does she do with the memories of the fun she and her attacker had together, before the assault? Is sending him to jail the only form of justice? And most of all, how can she deal with the hurt of being afraid of someone she used to like so much? Can she ever trust anyone again?
Dawn’s older sister, who uses they/them and he/him pronouns (but whom she still calls a sister), wants to “kill” the cousin for what he did. Dawn says that deciding his fate is her (Dawn’s) job—and she struggles with what she has been taught about everyone needing a chance to apologize and be forgiven. Her mom, Billie, and Billie’s girlfriend try to help, sometimes offering comfort, sometimes fumbling, but ultimately giving Dawn the time and space she needs.
Higginbotham writes in an afterward: “This book is not a how-to anything: cope, tell, parent, prevent, survive, or speak out against rape and abuse. It’s a way for me to show some things I’ve wanted to show for a long time about what a sexual violation by a trusted someone can do to a kid.” Some discussion questions at the end offer readers non-judgmental ways of thinking about Dawn’s story (and maybe their own).
I wish that books like this weren’t necessary—but since they sometimes are, we should be grateful that You Ruined It gives us a sensitive, thoughtful route to discussion, offering no easy answers but perhaps some healing.
