There are now happily a number of books on LGBTQ family creation. Most of them are how-to guides, and while they are certainly useful and needed, this delightful short book (128 pages, many of which are illustrated) takes a different approach. It does not give details of how to go about assisted reproduction or adoption, but is rather “a handbook of hope for anyone embarking on the path to parenthood,” offering important wisdom and advice on the more emotional parts of becoming and being a queer parent.
Author Jasper Peach, a “trans, nonbinary, disabled” parent, begins by acknowledging the many different structures of queer families, including ones with solo parents, coupled parents (either or both of whom are LGBTQIA+), non-romantic co-parents, polyamorous parents, and more. They note that there are a lot of discussions to have even before deciding to become a parent, and advises, “Pace yourself.” They also affirm that your family is “yours to define” no matter what other people may say, and that it is not our responsibility to educate others, though we may sometimes choose to do so.
The book touches on some of the ways queer families may start, but again, this is not a how-to guide. It’s a guide to the many small but important things to remember as you embark on the process, such as how becoming a parent can impact one’s own sense of identity or bodily autonomy; or that you are a parent regardless of genetic or gestational ties. Challenges—legal, societal, and otherwise—are acknowledged, and suggestions for creating change are strewn throughout, but Peach also reminds readers that they are not obligated to retraumatize themselves trying to fix the system.
Peach stresses the need for communication with parenting partners and those helping along the way; for time to process and rest; and on the need to acknowledge the range of emotions one might be feeling. There is wisdom here, too, on both supporting the birthing person’s needs and on knowing you are equally a parent even if you are not the birthing person.
The advice begins before the journey starts, continues through preparation for birth, and into the “bubble” of new parenthood. There are tips on how to be supported as a new parent, and on how to manage the emotions and stresses that those early days may bring.
A final chapter covers “Finding Your Groove as a Family” and offers suggestions for ways of conveying your values to your children; for choosing parental names; dealing with bias, stigma, and inappropriate questions; solo parenting; partnered parenting; and more.
Examples from real families are woven throughout. The pen-and-ink images throughout are simple but affirming, such as one of a pregnant, masculine-presenting person; another of a person giving themselves injections (presumably related to fertility), and many showing parents of various identities caring for their children.
This is the book you reach for when you want to view the big picture; when you need some extra affirmation; when you face challenges with your self, your parenting partner(s), your children, or the medical and legal systems not set up for queer families. It feels like a terrific gift for anyone considering parenthood; fertility clinics and adoption agencies should also consider offering it to their LGBTQ clientele. Both inspirational and practical, it will likely be valued by queer parents across the rainbow.
