Tammy Plunkett, an author, LGBTQ advocate, life coach, and mother to a transgender son (and three other queer children), has written a compassionate, reassuring, and helpful guide for other parents of transgender children. To parents whose children just came out as trans and may be feeling confusing emotions, she says, “This book is meant to answer some of your questions and help you understand that those emotions are absolutely okay…. you’re doing the best you can with the knowledge you have now. You love your child, and your child loves you.” When her son came out as trans, she explains, “I felt like a failure for not knowing my child well enough to know sooner…. I wrote this book to be a positive counterbalance to all those feelings. I’m not going to lecture you on ‘the right way’ to be an ally or shame you for not knowing the latest acronym or terminology. This is your safe space.”
Plunkett first offers an overview of what it means to be transgender, some definitions of trans-related terminology, and a look at what to expect when a child comes out as trans. She debunks the misconception that this means physical transition or even puberty blockers, at least right away, and focuses throughout the book on the initial steps of social transitioning, starting with using a child’s chosen name and pronouns.
A few points could use clarification, as when she says, “Other terms for non-binary are enby, from the abbreviation NB, gender fluid, gender creative, gender non-conforming, and agender.” While these terms may fall under the nonbinary umbrella, not all are synonyms for it, as this sentence (perhaps unintentionally) implies. Mostly, though, her definitions seem clear and accurate.
The next chapter offers advice to parents on dealing with their own feelings. Even if supportive, parents may be wondering what being trans will mean for their child, physically, legally, and with regard to school and relationships. No matter what, Plunkett stresses, trans children “cannot be our emotional supporters while we process this.” Trans children have enough to process on their own as they come out and transition; parents must find separate support systems. Plunkett then looks at some of the emotions parents may be feeling—shame, guilt, fear, doubt, confusion, pride, and more—and suggests parents learn to embrace humility. Having a trans child may be one time when you don’t have all the answers you feel a parent should, she observes. At the same time, she says, “I am compassionate with myself, but most importantly, I don’t dump my feelings on my child.”
Subsequent chapters look at conversations parents will likely have with their trans children; who to tell about the child’s identity and when; specifics of social transitioning, like pronouns clothing, and bathroom access; the process of the child changing their name, socially and legally; whether to seek assistance from a therapist or doctor (and how to find an affirming one); and how to balance care for a trans child with care for self, other children, spouses/partners/coparents, and other relationships. One section also discusses advocacy work on trans issues, which some parents of trans children may feel drawn to do. She reminds readers, however, of a phrase she learned from her son: “Not about us without us”—meaning that cisgender advocates for trans equality must include the voices of trans people in their work.
Plunkett also looks briefly at puberty blockers and hormones, mostly in terms of of helping parents start to wrap their heads around these possibilities. “The whole experience of parenting is the struggle to choose when to let our children be independent,” she writes. When it comes to medical transitioning, she says, “It took me living with him through his body dysphoria to realize that this was not a choice I got to make for my son. We must ask ourselves: at what point does a child have ownership of their own body or life?” That’s a hugely important question, especially at a time when some states don’t think that even parents, much less children, should have that power.
At the end of each chapter, Plunkett brings her skills as a life coach to bear and offers questions parents can ask themselves as a way of processing the material covered. Frequently asked questions and a list of resources at the end are generally useful; the list of children’s books is unfortunately mostly books about gender creative children (who may or may not be trans), and about gender generally. Only one (I am Jazz, by Jazz Jennings and Jessica Herthel) is focused on a trans child. I would have liked to see a few more of the books that now exist specifically about trans boys, trans girls, and trans nonbinary children.
While this is not a memoir, Plunkett freely shares her own experiences and emotions from her journey with her son, while also recognizing that not all children transition in the same way and not all parents will have the same responses. Importantly, she notes that she wrote the book with the permission of her trans son, Mitchell, who was involved in its creation.
As a cisgender reviewer who does not have a trans child, I acknowledge my limits in assessing this book. From this restricted perspective, however, I can say that it seems supportive, informative, and focused on the best interests of trans children, even as it strives to help parents process their own thoughts and emotions about having a trans child. It feels like a worthy addition to any home, library, school, healthcare, or support group book collection.
