Authors Lisa Schuman, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist, and Dr. Mark Leondires, a board certified Reproductive Endocrinologist and founder of Gay Parents to Be, bring both decades of professional experience and their own personal stories of fertility treatment and non-genetic parenthood to this thorough and informative (but not fully gender-inclusive) guide to donor conception.
The book addresses three target audiences, the authors tell us: LGBTQ couples, heterosexual couples diagnosed with infertility, and people who wish to be single parents. While there is extensive information here about the medical and physiological details of donor conception, the real strength of the book is its coverage of the emotional aspects, such as coping with the challenges of fertility treatment, worrying if a lack of genetic connection will impact your relationship to your child, sharing with family and friends about your path to parenthood, telling donor-conceived children about their origins, and dealing with the stress and possible loss of fertility/infertility treatment.
You’ll learn about the procedures and tests relevant to donor conception and how to prepare your body for pregnancy if you’re the birthing parent. A whole chapter is dedicated to the medical, emotional, and practical considerations of choosing a donor. There are also explorations of how to choose whose genetic material to use if you are in a couple, what to do with excess embryos, and other ethical questions. Very useful, too, is the chapter on talking with your child about their donor(s), building your family’s story, and sharing your story (or not) outside your family.
In addition to the authors’ clear explanations and discussions of things both medical and emotional, the book is full of examples of real people the authors have worked with, who share their personal stories and thoughts about their experiences and the choices they made along the way.
This is an extraordinarily helpful book by two leading experts. My one criticism is that does not always use language inclusive of all genders of pregnant people and donors. Some gendered references are understandable, such as when referring to their specific patients, or to existing research that has been done on cisgender men or women, or when referring to roles within the still-gendered medical establishment, e.g., “maternal fetal medical specialists are specially trained in caring for pregnant women” (which still seems mostly true these days, even as we hope they learn to care for all pregnant people, including trans men). Other references feel less excusable, e.g., “We recommend that women consider talking to their doctor prior to this test” or “In regard to sperm, thankfully, men make millions every day,” or “[The IVF] option is typically the best one for women who are older.” Elsewhere, however, there are references to “pregnant people” and “people with a uterus,” so there is at least some acknowledgment of trans and nonbinary identities.
It is unfortunate that this is not more consistent, however, because trans and nonbinary people could certainly be among the book’s prospective audience. Readers and prospective readers will have to decide for themselves if the gendered language is a showstopper for them. If it is, Queer Conception or Baby Making for Everybody may be better choices.
