Canadian content creators Allie and Sam Conway share the story of their path to parenthood in this friendly and candid memoir. The narrative, told in their alternating perspectives, takes us from their decision to pursue parenthood via assisted reproduction during the COVID pandemic, to fertility challenges (including miscarriages) and IVF, to a switch in which of them carried the child, and the surprise that they would be having twins.
In between each chapter are tips and information for other queer prospective parents, covering topics like things to do before starting fertility treatments, questions to ask a fertility clinic, things to consider when choosing a sperm donor, what happens if you get a diagnosis of medical infertility, and more. These sections feel like good starting points, but the book is not nearly as detailed or comprehensive in advice and information as books like Baby Making for Everybody, Queer Conception, and LGBTQ Family Building, which are more thorough guidebooks written by health care and social science professionals—informed by the experiences of queer families but not memoirs. How to Make a Baby, conversely, is foremost a personal memoir, a close look at one couple’s experience, with some more general information included to help others who may be considering similar paths.
Both approaches have value, however, depending upon what one is seeking, and Sam and Allie’s conversational story of their joys and challenges may both inspire and inform. As a Canadian couple, their experiences and advice reflect the conditions and laws in that country, but much of what they say about their journey and their emotions along the way is more broadly relatable. The duo say that by sharing their story, they hope to make others “feel less alone as they start on their own path to parenthood” and navigate its “financial and emotional struggles.” Their book feels like it will do just that. (Prospective readers should know, however, that despite the encompassing title, it focuses on assisted reproduction (IUI and IVF) by a cisgender, female couple; there is nothing here specific to the experiences of other identities.)
I take exception, however, to their use of the phrase, “the uncharted waters that are trying to conceive as a same-sex couple.” The first book for queer parents hoping to start a family was Cheri Pies’s 1985 Considering Parenthood: A Workbook for Lesbians (about which more here), and there have been many since. (Here’s a roundup I did in 2023, comparing several recent ones as of that date; filter this database by the “Parenting guide” and “Assisted reproduction” tags to see a fuller list, including another Canadian title, Conceivable: A Guide to Making 2SLGBTQ+ Family). Add in a number of memoirs involving queer conception over the past decades. The 1985 film Choosing Children, the first documentary to look at lesbians who became parents after coming out, also helped chart the way. Even before that, queer parents were sharing information on insemination via hand-written, mimeographed pamphlets and other grassroots means. And queer parents have been writing online about their experiences with assisted reproduction (and other paths to parenthood) for at least as long as I’ve had this blog—20 years now. (I posted myself in 2008 about how my spouse and I started our own family via reciprocal IVF (my egg, her womb)).
These waters are not uncharted. But if content creators like Allie and Sam can use their success on relatively recent platforms to reach a new audience that is not (yet) familiar with the history and resources available for queer prospective parents, then they have indeed done our community a service, and many will be grateful.
Content warning: Fairly graphic description of a miscarriage in Chapter 18.
