The popular image of LGBTQ families is of two queer parents who choose to bring children into their lives. For Melissa Giberson, however, the kids came first, via her marriage to a man; coming out as a lesbian at age 44 was something she neither expected nor planned. In this moving memoir, she not only shares her journey of self-discovery, but also offers thoughtful insights on change, connection, and being true to oneself while also being a parent, responsible for others.
The cracks in Giberson’s relationship with her husband began before she realized her attraction was to women, but even after this revelation, she was afraid to fully sever the ties with him. A child of divorced parents herself, she worried about the effect that leaving her marriage would have on her children. But although she and her husband initially worked out an agreement for co-parenting, his increasing unreliability soon made that seem untenable. Then, unexpectedly, he served her with divorce papers. By that time, Giberson was in a relationship with a woman and finding connections and friendships within the LGBTQ community, but still navigating how to tell friends and co-workers about the reason for her marriage’s demise.
As she moved between her home life and treasured escapes with her girlfriend to Provincetown and elsewhere, she reexamined and redefined not only her sexuality, but also other aspects of her identity. “I wasn’t choosing another person; I was choosing myself,” she says.
Such a choosing wasn’t easy. “Living in your truth is wonderful, but starting over like this is the equivalent of erasing your life’s chalkboard: everything you had and thought you knew is gone,” she writes. Her coming out process unfolds while she is also teaching herself to take up the chores that her husband once did, planning for her daughter’s bat mitzvah, and dealing with changes and emergencies of other family members and friends. Giberson shows us the struggles—but also the moments of grace.
This is also a deeply Jewish book. Giberson explains that she has “firmly planted Jewish roots,” although “my Jewish identity is more about ancestry, traditions, and values than about religious observance.” Not only are the lifecycle events of Judaism woven into the story, but her temple community is here, too (albeit not as sympathetic to her situation as one might hope)—and a trip to Israel connects her further with insights from Jewish wisdom that help in her journey. Giberson is conscious, too, of how the “trifecta” of being “gay and female and Jewish” makes her an increased target for hostility, but she also explores how those component parts lend strength to each other.
Her narrative is compelling—a skillful weaving of moments and memories, with often-lyrical prose. Readers who have themselves come out in midlife will find comfort not only in knowing they are not alone, but that in Giberson, they have a guide who offers both her own story and the hard-learned wisdom she gained along the way. The book should appeal to anyone experiencing a significant life change, in fact, or to anyone who might—and isn’t that most of us?
Highly recommended.
