Dr. Abbie Goldberg, a professor of psychology at Clark University, is one of the world’s leading social science researchers of LGBTQ families. This book distills her years of experience, plus the results of a brand-new study conducted specifically for this book, into an evidence-based but accessible guide to the many ways of LGBTQ family formation. (Full disclosure: I wrote a piece used in one of the book’s appendices, though I am not receiving any financial benefit because of it.) The book is inclusive of birthing parents of all genders and of polyamorous families, and recognizes the impact of intersecting identities such as race, (dis)ability, and socioeconomic status.
Much of the information in the book is drawn from Goldberg’s LGBTQ Family Building Project, a study developed for this book and conducted between July 2020 and February 2021. This is supplemented by Goldberg’s own previous work and that of others, but ensures that the book is grounded in the lives of LGBTQ families today. Just over two-thirds of the participants were cisgender women; 17.5 percent were cis men, and 14.5 percent were trans or nonbinary. White participants comprised 82 percent, with 18 percent people of color, including biracial and multiracial people; 88 percent of participants had partners, 72 percent of whom were white and 28 percent of color. The vast majority of participants lived in the U.S., across 44 different states. (Goldberg provides further demographics in the book.)
Each chapter begins with a vignette from one or more of the participants, exploring some relevant aspect of their parenthood journey. Goldberg uses these as jumping off points to explore what research tells us about trends among LGBTQ parents in general and within subgroups of our community. The research findings are of more than just academic interest; readers may feel less alone and less “odd” knowing that other queer prospective parents have had similar feelings and experiences.
While research provides the backbone of the text, Goldberg keeps her explanations clear enough for non-academic readers. Each chapter also includes helpful lists of questions prospective parents should ask themselves as they consider the many decisions involved in starting a family—not least of which is whether to start one in the first place. Throughout, Goldberg also considers how factors such as race, (dis)ability, and privilege impact these decisions, both within relationships and in the wider society.
Goldberg begins by looking at the process of deciding to become a parent, asking readers to reflect not only on why they want to become parents, but also on what they may be giving up in order to do so. She looks at various barriers to becoming a parent, such as internalized stigma, a reluctant partner, lack of encouragement, and lack of resources.
The second chapter covers the various types of adoption, the role race and gender play in adoption, and an overview of adoption-related legal issues. It includes some demographics of children in foster care and an overview of challenges they may face, dispels myths about open adoptions, and offers tips on choosing an adoption agency. It also suggests ways prospective adoptive parents can think through their preferences with regard to age, race, and gender of children they might be matched with.
Chapter 3 focuses on donor insemination (including in vitro fertilization (IVF)), and issues like choosing a sperm donor, whether to use a known or unknown donor, which parent will carry the pregnancy, expected costs, and donor siblings. A final section explores considerations for nonbinary and trans masculine people who pursue pregnancy, including the impact of hormone therapy, finding pregnancy clothing, and more. Again, the LGBTQ Family Building Project offers insight into choices made by other queer families and why, which may help guide readers as they make their own choices.
Chapter 4 tackles surrogacy as well as co-parenting, stepparenting, and creating a family via cis/heteronormative sex. It covers choosing a surrogacy agency, surrogate, and egg donor; expected costs; legal considerations, and more. It also offers readers some things to consider as they decide which parent will be genetically linked to their child.
Chapter 5 is a deep dive into choosing adoption agencies, fertility centers, and other medical providers, lawyers, prenatal care, and childbirth education, looking both at general competency and LGBTQ inclusiveness (touching on homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, and discrimination against polyamorous parents), and at legislation that could hinder adoptive placements. One section looks specifically at trans people’s experiences with reproductive health care.
Chapter 6 focuses on an area Goldberg has studied in depth in her research—the transition to parenthood, including recovering from giving birth, the division of labor among parents, mental health, relationships, and support (or lack thereof) from friends and family. While many of these challenges are ones all new parents face, Goldberg notes that LGBTQ parents are doing so “against a predominantly heterosexual backdrop of parenting arrangements and decisions,” which can make things more difficult. Not all parents experience these obstacles, Goldberg asserts, but she gives some suggestions on managing them for those who do.
The final chapter looks at choosing day cares and schools, preparing children for encountering bias and the pressure of gender normativity, and other topics of early parenthood. It covers talking with children about their origins, helping them handle questions from peers about their families, and ways of minimizing and managing LGBTQ bias in their schools.
The chapter includes a list of books for pre-school children about LGBTQ parent families, but unfortunately, the most recent one is from 2012. Given the huge spike in such books starting in about 2017 (see graphs here, and of course, my full database), including ones with clearly transgender and nonbinary parents (none of which are in Goldberg’s list), this feels dated.
Importantly and positively, however, the chapter reaffirms the decades of research showing that the children of LGBTQ parents are just as likely to turn out well as any others, and may even have some unique strengths. “It is essential that you that you know the research literature in this area so that you can be mentally and emotionally prepared to handle outsiders’ critiques and assumptions—and, perhaps, your own internalized fears and stigmas,” Goldberg advises.
Appendices include further details of the LGBTQ Family Building Project, my own Milestones in LGBTQ Parenting History, and references.
I found only one significant error. In the book’s coverage of confirmatory (second-parent) adoption, it says, “Second-parent adoptions permanently establish the nongenetic parent’s rights to the child and are advisable even when pre- or postbirth orders are possible because adoptions are recognized nationwide, but not all states recognize parentage conferred via such orders.” That’s wrong. Second-parent adoptions are advised even when a nongenetic or nongestational parent is on the birth certificate, for reasons I’ve explained here, but pre- and post-birth orders are court orders and as such get “full faith and credit” recognition from all other states. (I have such a pre-birth order for my own son, and have discussed this with leading LGBTQ family attorneys.) Also, saying “the nongenetic parent’s rights” isn’t always correct; sometimes it is the genetic but nongestational parent whose rights need to be established (as was the case for my spouse and me, since we did reciprocal IVF (my egg, her womb), and I was the one who needed to establish my rights. An additional criticism is that this whole definition is in the chapter on surrogacy, which those who are not interested in surrogacy may not read, although confirmatory adoptions (or court orders of parentage) are critical for queer couples who use assisted reproduction other than surrogacy (as one recent Oklahoma case has shown). Goldberg has told me she is aware of the error around confirmatory adoptions and will fix this in a second edition.
Overall, however, this is a thoughtful, inclusive, and intersectional guide to many of the questions prospective parents will have, based on some of the most thorough, solid research on LGBTQ families by one of the country (if not the world’s) leading social science experts on the topic. It will help you decide which path is right for you, how to prepare for what you might encounter along the way, and to learn from those who have gone before.
