In a series of 40 introspective, interlinked essays, writer and journalist Steve Majors explores what it means to be a man, a husband, and a father. From his childhood growing up as the biracial, White-passing son of a Black woman and White father, the latter of whom disappeared before he was born, through becoming the father of two daughters, one Black and the other biracial, Majors turns a lens on the men in his life, including his mother’s abusive, alcoholic husband; his flawed older brothers; his grandmother’s “long-time companion” who “disappoints even her”; an obsequious uncle; his sister’s boyfriend; a gym coach; straight crushes, boyfriends, and even a gay “daddy.” Many of them are not “role models” per se, except insofar as they offer examples of how not to behave—but Majors thoughtfully explores how his experiences with them shaped who he has become.
Woven throughout is his journey to coming out as a gay man. While early messages he heard equated being gay with being weak and worthless, he also found affirmation at times from unexpected people in his life, in addition to fictional characters on TV who taught him that “to be gay requires you sometimes to be stronger, braver, and more heroic than most other men.”
Majors is an astute observer of queer fatherhood, too, looking at the pressures we parents put on ourselves, the way habits from our past may impact our kids, and the tension between wanting to fit in with the wider world of parents and the need to speak out in order to create welcoming spaces for our children and families. His observations intertwine, too, with an awareness of racial identity, both his own and that of his daughters, and how that shapes self-conception and the way one moves in the world.
Throughout, Majors mostly eschews simple assessments of right and wrong, good and bad, finding instead sometimes-unexpected meanings, poignant observations, and an emerging, hopeful sense of self. It’s a highly recommended read with much to ponder about masculinity, gender more broadly, and the many people who help shape us into who we are.
Content warning: Sexual and other physical abuse.
